12 yo constantly late for school

amother

Emerald

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 4:43 am

I just can't get him out of bed in the morning. He is supposedly sleeping enough, we aim for 9.5/10 hours per night. Sometimes I just plain can't get him up, other days he says he was up in the night or his throat hurts/stomach ache/headache, fill in the blank.

He doesn't seem to have a problem with school per se as he's happy to go later on. And the biggest issue here (for me) is that he gets away with it at school. He says he didn't sleep well or that he had a headache etc. and they accept it sans consequence.

Every morning is a whole saga and I'm just so frustrated! We've made him responsible for paying his taxi fare if he's late, but it's obviously not much of a deterrent and I'm afraid he'll have no savings left soon... I work from home so it's not really interfering, but sometimes he gets out of bed when I have clients over or otherwise wastes my time. I try not to take responsibility but I still find it so frustrating to know that he isn't where he should be and it fills an emotional brain space.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 5:59 am

Growing up, I was that kid who always woke up late for school. I lived across the street, so no taxi fare consequence. Like your son, I didn't get consequences because I was otherwise a good kid and enjoyed classes, had friends, and had fun at school. Waking up is really harder for some teenagers than others. I grew out of it (mostly) in seminary and while I can't ever see myself as mainly a morning person, I can finally function in real life and wake up for work and other early morning needs.
I have a few suggestions:
1. It seems like he isn't sleeping consistently throughout the night, as 10 hours should be more than enough. Consider having him using melatonin to get on a good schedule.
2. Can he wake up if he is motivated enough? If he was going on a class trip/ something else exciting would he wake up? If so, he needs to be more motivated to wake up for class. He isn't getting any consequence for being able to sleep late, so why bother learning to wake up early? Try to work on something that would really motivate him to want to go to school on time. Maybe work with the school to try to help him.
If he cant, consider going to a sleep specialist. It's possible he has sleep apnea or another disease.
3. Completely remove yourself from the waking up process. It is so frustrating to try and wake up a sleeping rock. Instead, buy him a very loud alarm clock and tell him its time to take responsibility for his sleeping habits. When he learns to take responsibility for himself instead of relying on his mother to wake him up, he will learn he must wake up himself.
Hatzlacha!!

amother

Emerald

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 6:39 am

amother wrote:

Thanks amother. He certainly isn't motivated enough to get up for school but I can't create motivation, can I? If there were a class trip you bet he'd be up on time!!!

As I said, I mostly don't take responsibility for his lateness. He left at 11:30 and no, I didn't give him a late note. He has his own alarm clock and besides for checking up on him just after the alarm rings, that's all I do at that time. But if a couple of hours have passed and he's still in bed I do usually intervene. He'd be home all day otherwise!

He is mostly sleeping well so I'm not convinced there's any sleep issue going on. On an average night he probably gets a good 9 hours. Last night he says he was awake for a while in the middle of the night but that's not the norm. It seems to be more about motivation than anything. Though he does enjoy school, does well, and has friends.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 6:50 am

Aylat wrote:

Speak to his teachers and ask why there are no consequences for his lateness? Do they have a school policy for lateness?

At that age I don't want to be the one 'punishing' the child for being late or not doing homework, I want the negative (and positive) feedback for those issues to come from the school.

The thing is, he always has an 'excuse'.

1. He went to bed late because xyz and therefore is late.
2. He had a cough at night so couldn't sleep.
3. His leg hurt so he couldn't get out of bed.
4. He had stomach ache.
5. He had a nose bleed.
6. Somebody was in the bathroom so he couldn't get ready in time. (Mind you, there would have been time if he didn't get out last minute.)

Sometimes they are honestly excusable but other times not so much. When a kid has that many excuses...

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 9:21 am

amother wrote:

Yeah, so all I can say then is to either consider motivating him or just wait for this stage of life to pass... In seminary I really started getting up because if you were late you weren't allowed to go to class, and missing class lowered your mark.
I wonder if you set up strict boundaries as an experiment of something like that if he would be motivated? Or on the positive side, motivating him with something he really cares about? I would be in touch with the school and try to speak with them about creating a plan to help him get to school on time. Especially because he probably misses minyan at that point. Hatzlacha!

amother

Rose

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 10:39 am

amother wrote:

I think there’s something else going on. He might have chronic inflammation causing him random body aches and overall fatigue, brain fog, difficulty getting moving. Could also be related to his adrenals/hormone levels. It is so much more common than people realize. It sounds like me when I was a teenager- I was in such a deep state in the mornings that even though I heard my alarms I couldn’t get up and oftentimes didn’t even remember snoozing them or turning off the snooze button. And my parents trying to wake me up just got me mad and I ignored them. I liked school, had friends, and did great in all my classes, teachers loved me. I wasn’t avoiding anything. I got a lot of lates on my report card and was embarrassed signing in late in the office, but overall it wasn’t enough to get me there on time. I was able to get up if I was very motivated for something but even on the weekends I’d sleep in even if my friends were getting together sometimes. My parents took me for an overnight sleep study at an excellent sleep lab and they didn’t find anything but suggested melatonin (which was a relatively new suggestion at that time - it wasn’t as mainstream then as it is now), and it helped a lot. Didn’t fix everything but really helped me regulate my sleep cycle so that in the mornings I wasn’t in such a deep sleep, I was able to consciously wake up more easily.

Only recently I found out about other issues that I have only mildly, and have now pretty much fixed (bacterial imbalance, mild adrenal fatigue inflammation - keep in mind, I appear totally healthy and neither my pediatrician (as a kid/teen) or primary care doctor ever found anything wrong.) - but looking back, I’m sure I had these as a teen at much more severe levels! Solving these issues as an adult has helped me so much. Although I had already learned to wake up very early (I.e for work on weekdays and family on weekends), it has gotten much easier. My energy level and mood is so much better. Looking back, I see that if I had known about and fixed these issues as a teen, it would not have been as much of a struggle every day. As an adult, we have much more control over our behavior since our frontal lobes become more developed. So even though I likely had inflammation etc as an adult, I was still able to get up every day for work and be functional. I truly believe kids do the best they “can” - when their bodies are thwarting their efforts it makes things much more difficult.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 11:43 am

amother wrote:

Thanks amother. I totally get where you're coming from. I fully believe that kids do well if they can, but I'm stumped as to why he can't. We've had him checked out holistically and he's off specific foods for a couple of years now and takes supplements regularly. I've had him checked out again a few month ago as well.

amother

Rose

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 7:45 pm

amother wrote:

Sounds like you’re doing a great job. It’s so hard to put the pieces of the puzzle together sometimes. That’s great that you have the food sensitivities under control. What did they specifically check when he was checked out a few months ago? Have they done any lab work to check his hormones/adrenals? Maybe that could be the next area to look into. You could also look into trying melatonin in the meantime.

Another possibility- could he have anxiety and this is how it’s manifesting?

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 7:59 pm

Many kids his age do well with 9 hours of sleep, but maybe he genuinely needs more than that on a consistent basis? I would sit him down and explain that it's very important to you that he get to school for davening and not miss class. Then you can go one of two routes:

1. Ask him what he proposes you all do to make this happen. Let it be a collaborative discussion, but being on time to school is non negotiable.

2. Or, simply let him know that his bedtime is going to be earlier so that he can wake up more easily in the morning. Enforce a strict lights out policy at whatever time that is, and give him melatonin to help adjust for a few nights if necessary. He can earn a later bedtime if he wants, but only after consistently going to school on time for two weeks. And then he must keep it up with the new bedtime as well.