S/o kids funding own...

amother

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:11 pm

The post about a teenage girl contributing to her own tuition brought up strong feelings for me.

My DH paid for his own bar mitzvah. My in-laws took any checks he received as gifts and used it to pay for the bar mitzvah. He was left with $0. This has bothered me so so much for so many years
A) I realize they may not have been able to afford it otherwise...so then don't make a bar mitzvah!!! It wasn't anything lavish but they had all aunts, uncles, cousins for shabbos and catered all the meals and kiddushim and had a party during the week for his friends. So they definitely could have gotten away with spending a whole lot less
B) when I write a check to a bar mitzvah boy I assume it's going to the boy. If people found out where their money was going I'm sure a lot of them would not be happy. I would guess this may even constitute as stealing Mad

I know it's been years and years, and I didn't know them back then and have no idea the real circumstances but this has always given me a bad feeling about my in laws - knowing this information

Thoughts?

amother

Silver

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:15 pm

I don't think its that uncommon for cash gifts for a Bar Mitzvah to go towards the expense of the Simcha. My relatives recently did this. Its a loan that I hope some day will get repaid.

(if they didn't make the bar mitzvah - your dh would have been in the same place financially - this way he got a party).

amother

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:26 pm

Quote:

The piece of information you left out is: in what country and in what Judaism sect was your husband raised?

In New York, mainstream yeshivish community.
Maybe it's cultural but I had never heard of such a thing in my life when he told me this.
If it's a normal thing to do - it's the first time I'm hearing about it

amother

Cerulean

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Quote:

The piece of information you left out is: in what country and in what Judaism sect was your husband raised?

My mom used my money to marry me off. I was ok with that part. But there was a decent sized sum left over, and she refused to hand that over to me. She married my brother off using the rest of my funds.

I have not forgiven her for that till this very day.

imorethanamother

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't know why you're so bothered by this. Did your in-laws feed, house, clothe, medicate and educate your husband until he was one day able to marry you? Was he able to financially support you based on the decades of education they paid for? Did your in-laws contribute to the cost of your wedding?

Did you also expect that you were ALSO entitled to tens of thousands of dollars in unused bar mitzvah money? No. You were not.

End of. Parents can do what they like with the money that THEIR OWN FRIENDS gave to the bar mitzvah party that THEY threw.

singleagain

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:46 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

If the money was addressed to the bar mitzvah boy... Then no I don't the parents have rights to it. Especially if it was a check written to "bar mitzvah boy" not "Mr and Mrs parents"

thunderstorm

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:46 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

I have never given a Bar Mitzvah boy a gift because I wanted to be part of friends that throw him a party. I want him to get a special birthday gift for him to save or use at his own discretion. If this is considered the norm I will stop giving checks or cash and will start buying actual gift items.

chestnut

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:51 pm

I disagree with the OP and I'm not bothered by this. At all. If they couldn't afford the party otherwise, it must have been the right decision at the time. It's easy for you (and even your husband) to say NOW they shouldn't have made the party, etc, but then you'd have a husband now who hated his parents for NOT making him a BM, even if they took all his money for it.

33055

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:51 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

This is horrible. It feels like stealing.

I was OK on the other thead with the teen contributing her labor for a discounted tuition for her education. Many posters said that the basics are the parents' responsibility. I feel different as I grew up paying for my clothes and any outings since I was a pre- teen. It taught me hard work.

I would not be ok if my parents gave my money to a sibling without asking me if it was ok. I would be resentful.

Has your mother asked your forgiveness?

imorethanamother

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:53 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Do what you like. If you want to be that way, all "I must buy the child gifts so that the evil parents don't use the money", by all means. No one is stopping you. I think we are being awfully mean to parents who are just trying to do the best they can. It's not always sinister, my goodness.

I think that the reality is that boys want a bar mitzvah like the rest of their friends, and they don't remember when they're 24 how they conveyed that sentiment to their parents. Nowadays we donate to tons of hachnasas kallahs to try and help the parents cover these costs, do we also want to start a bar mitzvah fund for the same purpose? This way the boy doesn't feel left out, the parents feel like they gave their son something he wanted, and everyone doesn't have to go into debt.

amother

Ivory

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:56 pm

My parents did this to me. They are the rabbi in a wealthy not religious town so we got over the top gifts and cash amounts for our bat mitzvah. My parents let us keep gifts and only $500 (I guess that was a bit more 10+y ago). It didn't bother me then but when I told dh he got rlly mad. For our wedding he kind of threw a fit and demanded that we receive every check (my parents were def going to keep some of it but idk how much). For the record I neither asked for nor wanted lavish parties, they were done by my parents for the community and I was just the prop, I would have been happier with no party and I actually hid out during my bat mitzvah and kind of locked myself in the bathroom for as long as I could get away with.
I'm over it and hold no grudges but I don't think I'd do that as a parent. Stick it their savings account at least.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, May 03 2019, 5:58 pm

Squishy wrote:

No. She pretends it never happened or totally denies it, whichever excuse works at that moment. She either claims I'm miscalculating the numbers or she spent much more on my wedding than she actually did. I cannot tell her that I had a copy of the bank book and statements, cause I got that behind her back. I stopped bringing it up after a number of tries, cause it got me nowhere.

I worked for 3 years before my marriage, and started life penniless. She took every cent I had earned through those years.

thunderstorm

Fri, May 03 2019, 6:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Guess what ?! I was just telling my DH about this thread and he said that his parents did the exact same thing! But he has no issue with it. He is (was) hurt that his brother one year older had a very fancy Bar Mitzvah with all the frills and he had a simple Seuda in a shul with very simple food and nothing else. But to top it all off he then didn't get to keep his gifts either. My inlaws are South American and maybe this is normal in their circles, not mine.

amother

Lilac

Fri, May 03 2019, 6:07 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

Wow! That's terrible. I expect that my working kids will have to contribute to their weddings because money is tight and I don't see that changing anytime soon. But I will not let them spend ALL of their saved money, and definitely would never spend it on their siblings. To me that sounds like stealing.

Was she always so manipulative and dishonest? Or was this a surprise to you?