S/o kids funding own...

PinkFridge

Sun, May 05 2019, 9:05 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

Like I didn’t grow up like that, and I don’t raise my kids like that. But until less than a hundred years ago that was the widespread normal. Every able bodied person in the household worked to contribute to the House. Unless you were super wealthy. But most kids had to drop out of school at some point to get a job to contribute to household expenses.

Today I don’t know anyone who makes children work but if a young adult is working and living at home it’s not “disgusting” or “twisted” to have a capable adult (if they can earn a pay check) contribute to household expenses if necessary.

Not everyone is rolling in cash.

I mean I am assuming they are not using the money to gamble in Vegas or on plastic surgery or on fancy vacations etc. but if they are using money to run the house what’s so insane about that?

Might be sad that finances are so tight? But again let’s just think about the monumental shift in how households operate in the last hundred years and calm down a bit.

Sure. My grandfather quit high school to go to work to support his family.
And once my single post high school girls have paid for much of their own expenses, and filled up the gas tank, etc. While still saving money. (Yes, we've subsidized our single boys much more but they've had very simple needs.)

But I wouldn't take the money that they've worked for, especially if they want to save for their future home.

imorethanamother

Sun, May 05 2019, 6:54 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

Hugs. I worked full time for about 4.5 years before I got married, and many, many side jobs while I was in high school , and my father took almost all of the money. I got married with only the wedding gift checks. I asked him a few times where the money was, he just kept saying her had a cheshbon. Right.
I am very angry about this. We will probably never be able to buy a house thanks to him.

I also worked full time for about four years before I got married. All my money went to tuition, my car, clothing, plane tickets for dating, haircuts, laundry, food, etc. I had nothing when I got married. My parents basically stopped supporting me as soon as I could earn a paycheck and you know what I realized?

I’m darn expensive. I have no idea how my parents could afford to raise me and all my siblings plus a mortgage and food, etc.

I think we all have to have hakaras hatov instead of being angry about something our parents had little control over (whether they could make enough money).

amother

Jade

Sun, May 05 2019, 7:19 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

Wow, you are judgey. First of all, my father never asked me about this or had any kind of discussion about it with me. Whoever asked about my bank account, I was a very sheltered 16 year old when my father said he would create one for me. I could never get the details from him.
Second, I didn't have a car, tuition, or plane tickets, Or laundry expenses. Hardly any hair expenses. Food, are you serious? I think I would want to feed my children until they left my home.

Every time I leave imamother for a while and then come back, I see why I left in the first place.

nicole81

Sun, May 05 2019, 7:37 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

Food, are you serious? I think I would want to feed my children until they left my home.

How many kids/young adults in their teens and twenties that live at home want to eat every meal at home? I don't know yet how I feel about 18+ kids contributing (or not) towards basic bills including food as I'm not at that stage yet, but even my 14 year olds fund their own meals most of the time they want to go out for pizza with friends after school. When I was 19, I ate most meals out of the house and never expected anyone but myself to fund them.

Chayalle

Mon, May 06 2019, 9:46 am

pg wrote:

As far as I know halachicaly the money a girl earns up to her wedding belongs to the parents...
In my circles I know of some families which the daughters paychecks goes for daily expenses not even for her own wedding..

I haven't read this whole thread yet but want to respond to this post. I actually once had a sheilah related to money earned by children, whether the money is theirs. (The question was related to a joint gift by a bunch of kids, and a relative said to me that in the reality it's the parents' money. I was curious as to the truth of this, hence my question.) I asked the question of a relative of mine who is a Rav and considered a major expert in Choshen Mishpat. He told me that he was mekabel from R' Dovid Feinstein that nowadays when it's common for girls to work, and for children to have their own money, this is no longer considered halacha l'maaseh.

Something to consider. Personally, I'm very careful about my daughters' money belonging to them.

amother

Rose

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:16 am

My husband and I come from different centrist MO communities. My parents have more resources, and they always live within their means. My in laws feel more pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and in general incurred debt for simchas, etc.

When we were dating and my husband mentioned that the gifts he got for his bar mitzvah paid for his simcha, I couldn't get over it. I had never heard such a thing and it sounds like his bar mitzvah was way more elaborate than it needed to be, especially if that's how it was paid form.

When we got married a few of his distant relatives sent checks made out to his parents as our wedding gifts!

Now, when I give gifts, I am mindful of this. I prefer giving money to gifts, but if I think the parents will take the cash, I give a savings bond. It will have cash value when the bar mitzvah is heading into adult life, and it is in the name of the bar mitzvah boy and he'll be over 18 when it comes due.

forgetit

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:23 am

Chayalle wrote:

DH was at a parenting lecture where someone asked a similar q. I can't remember if they diffrentiated between the girls and boys: I think it was more about young kids. The lecturer responded that in halacha, the $ belongs to parent, but part of good chinuch means allowing a child to have his/her own money, not causing resentment by taking away ownership, and teaching them how to be responsible for their money.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:45 am

imorethanamother wrote:

Wow! Love your attitude, and agree with you on there being a limit to how much parents can do and that whatever they do is to be well appreciated.
At the same time, I'm feeling a bit conflicted about the bolded. I'm too angry/sad about how things were in my childhood home, and I don't want to go into detail or analyze or blame, but as a parent, I am very cognizant of the fact that al pi derech hateva we do have some sort of control over our earnings, and that is a very important part of being a parent. Are we running our businesses wisely? Are we earning our full potential? Are we working on upping our skill to be able to earn enough to keep up with the society we chose to live in? Are we aggressive/proactive in earning what we are worth? Are we putting the klal before our children? If we accepted a role where we're giving to the community, are we giving and giving and giving but not taking the perks for our family? Are we refusing tzedakah despite not being able to make ends meet? Are we refusing financial help despite our children not fitting in with others?
I don't believe in going back to the past, but as a forward thinking person who wants to do right by my own children, these are important questions I have to ask myself, and deal with. I'm not an aggresive go-getter at all, by nature, yet I go way out of my comfort zone so as not to be complacent about this.
Yes, there may be some people who are REALLY stuck, but many who THINK they are stuck, and many who don't even realize in what a bad place they are, just aren't asking the right questions. I don't want that to be me. I've seen it in action, and seen how sad it is and the repercussions are long-lasting.
I hope Hashem gives us all a bracha in our parnassa and the wisdom to know how to set the right parameters in this area.