Invitations that are not invitations

amother

Ginger

Mon, May 13 2019, 8:52 pm

gamanit wrote:

That's still rude. The mom should have said "Oh I am so sorry about that. We will be very happy to see you there. We forgot to put a dinner card in your envelope" at which point your friend would be able to ask what a dinner card is.

We are making a wedding, and that's what we're planning on doing.
I think 95% of the no RSVP card ppl will "chap" in our OOT yeshivish circles, if someone calls to rsvp bc they didn't get a card, well just say"Wonderful! Looking forward! We must have forgotten to put in the RSVP card!"

I know someone else, a BT, who is not omitting any cards, because that's not done in their circles

Another idea, for clarity 's sake, is to have a seperate card that says that they can come to KP and chuppah, or dancing at dessert ( "simchas chosson v'kallah") at a certain time- but then hostess has to make sure there will be a dessert buffet

dankbar

Mon, May 13 2019, 11:05 pm

In oot the 40 people who live in your community, you are all like one family so yo can't exclude anybody.

My block alone probably houses about 200 families. I don't even know all the people who live on my block.

If I count all my first cousins from all 4 sides just the ones living in America is probably over 100.

In my husband's small/tiny congregation shul we affiliate with is probably another 150 people.

All the customers my husband deals with on his job is probably over 100 as well.

It becomes impossible to invite everyone to meal & pay.
Also impossible to attend every simcha every night for entire night.

In busy chasuna seasons I can have like 3 invitations to different weddings per night.

Going from beg to end means not being home for my kids supper/ bedtime....

It also means finding a babysitter which is impossible to find almost.

Works out very well.

If my aunts make chasuna, I know I'm welcome all night. For my nieces chasuna I stay all night. When my first cousins make chasuna, the ones I'm close to I go for all night. If it's small family & not too many simchas they appreciate every guest. If it's large family with simchas often, & not so close I stay only a little bit. If it's not local is another parsha, if its worth the traveling.

When my classmates/grade mates make chasuna, if its local I try to go to the dancing to give my mazel tov. If it's close school friend I will join the meal.

Neighbors in my building I'm close to I'll go for meal. The ones in bldg or block not so close to I will go to say mazel tov.

My mom's or mil first cousins making chasuna I don't go to anymore even.

My second cousins making chasuna don't even bother sending me invitations anymore.

For the people that make effort to always come to other simchos, I will try to make effort for them. For people that never show up, not so much either.

If it's local & just pop in then I don't need babysitter I can rotate with my husband. He goes a little bit & then go for a little bit. In meantime the other one is home with the kids.

If I travel out for 2 hrs to a wedding & I arrive by meal, yes I will sit down to meal, I think I deserve after the effort made.

Many invites I skip, because I don't always have babysitter or my kids don't want me to leave them night after night, then I need to prioritize.

That's how list easily adds up to 1000 people you are inviting....basically every person you know/greet etc...just like a typical acquaintance...

amother

Purple

Tue, May 14 2019, 3:59 am

sky wrote:

Come for any part you want. Normally people only do this for people who live nearby, not for out of town.

Personally I feel getting a kiddush or chuppah only invite for out of town is insulting.
DH thinks it isn’t and just shows we are thinking of you.

I can understand that you feel insulted because it's probably a big effort with all the travelling back and forth, getting a babysitter and things like that. Guess it's harder for women who often have to juggle work and house and children plus invitations.
But remember: a wedding invitation is not an army draft that you must comply with. If you feel resentment you might consider sending DH alone and notifying baal hasimcha in advance that unfortunately you are not able to make it this time.
I think baal hasimcha might actually appreciate a phone call in advance since you:
1. acknowledge her invitation but you can't make it this time
2. allow her the opportunity to make changes in the logistic schedule, number of people showing up for chuppah, KP, dessert, dancing. It shows a lot of consideration IMO.

amother

Purple

Tue, May 14 2019, 4:42 am

dankbar wrote:

After holocaust they cherished every far fetched survivor of a relative, not too many survived, so families were small & they wanted everyone to join in simchos. Ka"h families today are much larger so it gets impossible.

I have a different question for people who are inviting all their guests for entire simcha how big is your guest list? You are inviting 100? 200 guests? 300?
That's what we also end up having, that many guests for the meal.

Dankbar, I read your posts and nodding my head to everything, I so understand you.
DH's niece married last year (child nr 4 out of 9). Mechutanim have 16 kids b"H (child nr 5, child 1-4 already married and with kids and babies). We attended wedding in full. Got invitation for Shabbos 7 brachot. We declined. Made a very approximate estimation of what Shabbos would have been excluding us and DH's brother's family. We counted stingily only the very closest ones and came to the conclusion it was around 50-55 persons, not including the mechutanim's grandchildren. We are sure it ended up more than 50-55.
Did I mention DH and I are chareidi Litvish in EY but totally agree with certain chassidish circles who limit number of guests.