S/O Chassidish men not home?

amother

Blue

Wed, Jul 24 2019, 10:12 am

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

It's a very specific subset. Obviously if they are working during day and learning at night that's to be expected but men just socializing every night for hours is a specific type... the men I know of who do it? Their wives are resigned to it, but not happy about it.

Thankfully I also know countless chasidish men including my extended family and husband who do not do this. Iyh I plan to marry off my daughters to a similar sort.

How will you know in advance? Are you going to assume that because the father was an at home type, the son will be? Or because he was in Yeshiva all the time as a Bochur and wasnt a big socializer?

amother

Wed, Jul 24 2019, 7:59 pm

Thanks, everyone, I appreciate all the responses.

The reason I was asking is because although we are not Chassidish, we lived in a Chassidish neighborhood for a while and now we don't and I'm trying to understand the difference in the behavior in my DH. He's by nature a very outgoing person and he would spend a lot more time out schmoozing when we lived in the Chassidish neighborhood then he does now (hope I didn't just out us Wink

). I'm not sure if it's better or worse... when we first moved out it was an adjustment for him, and even though I was glad to see more of him, I think that lost a small part of himself, not really sure that was a fair trade Confused

. I was wondering if the differences were Chassidish/not or it was just a coincidence of these two neighborhoods, and when the amother on the other thread said that Chassidish men are out more at night it was sort of a ahah moment... or not? So I was trying to figure it out.

What I think I came away with from this thread is that while it's generally culturally more acceptable for men to go away on their own (tish, shalashidus, melavah malkah) it's also really an individual thing as each person is different and each couples dynamics is different as well.

So I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to navigate and reconcile the way I grew up with what my DH considers normal and OK. For example, he would eat shalosh seudos in shul, this annoyed me as I felt that I was left alone with my kids, so I, um, communicated, and he started eating at home. I guess Chassidish women are just used to it?

But I guess staying out schmoozing on a random night is not related to them being Chassidish... Just related to him being very outgoing and friendly.

So I think it's time for me to throw away the chip I had on my shoulder towards Chassidim, and put the blame where it belongs...

I'm trying to figure out if I'm ok with my DH socializing so much. On the one hand, this is who he is, this is his personality... when I was first married I was ok with it because that meant I got my own alone/book time - which was fine by me. But now that we just have so much more things going on and more responsibilities, kids to deal with, etc it's much more annoying. I guess this is something I have to navigate myself...

Anyway, thanks for the responses! You've all given me a lot of food for thought.

Mama Bear

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 7:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

For example, he would eat shalosh seudos in shul, this annoyed me as I felt that I was left alone with my kids, so I, um, communicated, and he started eating at home. I guess Chassidish women are just used to it?

.

The men have to go daven mincha / maariv anyway on late Shabbos afternoon, so it's so much easier if they just wash to a piece of challah in shul, then go back home between mincha and maariv to eat. I find that it takes a big burden off of me, I dont have to prepare a third meal, and I can go out to visit family/friends without having to stay 'locked' in the house to eat that piece of challah together.

But I'm glad you were able to communicate that with him.