When You Just Can't Anymore

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 7:53 pm

My daughter has recently been diagnosed as BPD. I've stood by her side unconditionally during this hellish ride. For various reasons though I feel like I have finally reached my limit. I love her, but I'm having a hard time liking her. There are times when even loving her is hard for me. She triggers me in certain ways that are very much like her father, my ex husband. She manipulates me by going to him to veto me whenever I try and set limits. She then complains she's caught in the middle. She treats me like garbage, and is constantly asking for things/taking. She listens to/does nothing I say. I've reached my limit with her in so many ways. I am working with a whole team of professionals and if I try and express this to them, they just tell me I have to. What if I can't? I have nothing left to give her. Her behavior/actions make me sick. Any advice from someone who has btdt?

flowerpower

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 7:55 pm

How old is she?

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 8:01 pm

flowerpower wrote:

How old is she?

18. I'm expected to support her and pay for everything, but ultimately I can set no limits and get treated like garbage because she's an "adult."

amother

Lemon

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 8:03 pm

I have an adult child at home with their own issues. And while I cannot give you advice, I will say that I understand you. They are ours, we love them, will do anything for them, but at some point we just can’t anymore. So here are my hugs Hug

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 8:43 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

Thank you. It means a lot. She's now in our one and only bathroom during bedtime madness for going on an hour now.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 8:46 pm

My daughter is younger and was diagnosed with bpd traits. ( They don't give diagnosis until older) I was told it's born from trauma. Dbt is meant for bpd. Just sharing information that helped us.
Really tough

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:10 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

She's been in intensive dbt programs. It's a long journey. To say it stems from trauma is a bit simplistic. It's a combination of circumstances and wiring. Her trauma is no more than my other children's at the hands of their father (emotionally abusive), if anything it was less, and yet she's the only one acting out. I have been getting them all help since before the divorce, and the rest of them are thriving.

amother

Puce

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 9:12 am

I relate to your situation. I've been feeling at the end of my emotional limit with my child too. What helps me is increasing physical self care, distance from her (even for a few days) and emotional support from people in similar situation, in real life. You can't give what you don't have. Also, BPD or not, little child or big child, I'm a big believer of consequences, as long as the child is under my care. Kind but firm, esp with BPD or any kind of personality or attachment disorder. Sending hugs ♥️

amother

Taupe

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 9:56 am

Can u get some respite like having her visit a grandparent or aunt or uncle for a bit? What about a camp for emotionally disturbed? She trashes you because she can. But I have no words or specific advise. I have younger kids who act similar and there is nothing I can do other than enforce limits that they don’t seem to care about or enforce consequences that are harder on me then them.

shmosmom

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 10:05 am

Hugs, OP.
That is very hard, and can take an emotional toll on you and the rest of the family.
You're welcome to send her here for the weekend so you can both get a healthy break.

amother

White

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 10:09 am

Argh!
Just know there are fellow moms out here that get you and know what you are going through.
Loads of hugs, lots of kisses, and hoping things get better for you.

She knows how to trigger you, and will keep doing it’s long as she can.
If possible, go away for a few days, get a mani, go for a massage, splurge on a big hot fancy cappuccino. Treat yourself.
And tell her whenever you treat yourself “ oh I just got back from a mani, I love taking care of myself” “I just bought this amazing coffee because I love myself “

Show her that she is not breaking you, that you are loving yourself and your life. No one can take that away from you.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 4:27 pm

My dd is also 18. It's been a hellish ride but I have to say our relationship is what I have the strength to put into it. She takes 99% of all the energy I have that needs to be divided with 4 other kids and a dh. On a good day, I ignore her tirades and cursing/screaming and just maintain my calm exterior. I tell her we'll talk when she decides to be mature and speak with a quieter tone and demeanor. I over-exaggerate an analogy of her behavior and she gets it.
On a bad day, well, I make a lot of mistakes and wait for the next day.

The key is to just see her as a regular child making a mistake. My dd is diagnosed ODD and even though she is 18, her maturity level is much lower. She is all emotional where I am logical and analytical. She is just like her father so I understand her but I clash with her a lot so it's lots of work. Much of the time I didn't like her while she was growing up. I needed breaks from her just to start to breathe normally. I do love her and would do anything to protect her and that's whats important. You don't have to like her and definitely not her behavior. You didn't pick her. Hashem decided she was for you and you for her. Other people love my dd and I try to see what they see in her so I can look at her in a non-biased way to appreciate her. Because I am inundated with all of her nasty traits, it is hard for me to see the positive things about her. I've written a list before and that helps. She doesn't necessarily act that way towards me but I see she has that part of her and I choose to see and focus on that. For instance, she's is fiercely protective. If I yell at her sibling who she may be yelling at as well, she'll quickly come to that sibling's aid and protect me from yelling more at the child. It shows me cares about others a lot even though her facade is really all about herself.

I know my limits with her. I usually can't count on her so if she says she'll babysit for a short while and I can run out, I don't count on it and I'm not disappointed. Sometimes, she'll be super helpful and trustworthy and I make sure to bring that memory up when she is acting contrary. Basically, I choose to see her potential and ignore the bad behavior. When she's screaming and I'm calm, she usually stops quickly as she's getting nothing but a sore throat.

I have a long way to go but I'm going in the right direction. Don't worry about where she'll end up. She learned everything you taught her even if she doesn't show it. You just have to work on yourself, your acceptance of a child who isn't the way you'd like and not feel as if you did anything wrong.

When I speak to her, I often will try to voice the feelings that I'd like to see in her as if it's the most normal thing in the world. Something like, "Wow, you have such a calm speaking voice when talking to others. You should really make sure to find work where you'll be able to answer the phones and speak with people or talk with many different people face to face." Even if she was just yelling at me, I can hear her answer the phone with a sweet voice and sound very mature so I know she just does it to illicit a response from me and it is my choice to see her with my own eyes or someone else's eyes who has not taken her behavior to heart. I often look at her as if she's not my own child so I can learn not to take what she says/ insults me with personally. If she were my dh, I'd have divorced her years ago but she is my child and I can not. I have learned to look at her with an ayin tov and see her for who she is without all of the mistakes in behavior.

marina

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 5:06 pm

what would happen if you transitioned her to moving out and living on her own?

notshanarishona

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 5:16 pm

I agree with Marina .. once a kid is an adult or even before , if their mental health needs are too much for you then I would look into finding a other place for them to live and continue to support until she becomes self sufficient. That will also probably make your daughter appreciate you more .

dancingqueen

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 5:18 pm

marina wrote:

what would happen if you transitioned her to moving out and living on her own?

This. Could she handle seminary or college, living away from home?

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 5:32 pm

From what I understand DBT is also for the family members of those with BPD .

amother

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 6:44 pm

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

Thank you for taking the time to respond in such great length. I don't have time to respond in depth now, but that's the hardest part, we had a relationship. I put so much into her, and even though she still did whatever she wanted she wasn't outright disgusting to me. One day that all changed. She lies to me all the time, calls me names, laughs in my face. This is what pushed me to my limit.