Son has stash of lingerie model pics; say something?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 11:24 pm

Thanks for all the food for thought, ladies! I agree 100% with Maroon's point and this is definitely something I work on with my teens, that they should be busy and feel like they're accomplishing.

To update everyone, I did speak with my son tonight before bed. (I knew for sure they were his pics, trust me.) I was kind and warm and mentioned matter of factly that I had found his pictures in the basement and that I just wanted to talk a little bit about it. We had a nice conversation about how special things will be with his wife, and how the curiosity and interest he has in girls is really beautiful and healthy and will help him to connect with his wife and make the marriage a strong one, and will help him to become a father too, but that right now while he's not married he needs to control it and channel it correctly, and shmiras einayim is something all men work on, and that it's especially challenging when you're a teenager, so not to feel bad if it's hard, just keep trying and pick yourself up if you made a mistake, we're all working on improving ourselves and that's life. He loves when I talk about him becoming a husband and father, I don't know why. He loves kids, especially babies, and he likes hearing me talk about my dreams for what he'll be like as a tatty. He also likes when I remind him that he's saving his bar mitzvah money to help pay for his kallah's ring; he gets this shy smile and likes to ask questions about what kind of ring I think she'll like. So even though I bet you think the conversation was awkward, it was actually a warm and pretty enjoyable conversation. We're very close so I guess it works for us differently than in some other families. I know as he gets a little older things will be different, but for now he's still young.

I know some people mentioned this is really a topic that should be handled by the father, but my dh is a totally different personality than my son (my son has ADHD and is pretty scattered and irresponsible, while dh is a very by-the-rules kind of guy) so dh has trouble really understanding my son, and their communication isn't the greatest sometimes because dh tends to be a black and white judgmental thinker and doesn't understand ds's thought processes. Dh loves ds very much and would do anything for him, but for day to day stuff I tend to be the one who handles it because I'm better at understanding the kids than my dh. It's really okay. We're not a dysfunctional family, I promise. Smile

honeymoon

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 11:44 pm

You seem like an amazing, in tune parent. Your son is lucky to have you.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 11:47 pm

chayamiriam wrote:

I would never say anything to this child and humiliate him. This could effect his s-xual life as an adult leave him be its just a natural curiosity that all boys have whether they know about it or not!

Such nonsense. I’m over the idea that we should walk around and blame our parents for all of the abusive and traumatic things they did every minute of our lives. It’s so entitled.

malki2

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 11:51 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Because it implies that women are the object of men's attention, and not the other way around.

And what exactly is the problem with that?

amother

Oak

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 12:49 am

malki2 wrote:

And what exactly is the problem with that?

Women have eyes too, and men have bodies as well.

amother

Oak

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 12:52 am

The girl equivalent of a boy looking at inappropriate pictures is when a girl looks at inappropriate pictures.

marina

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 1:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

your son sounds like a fabulous kid!

amother

Oak

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 1:14 am

The stereotype that men only think about one thing while women are passive objects has harmed a lot of people.

#BestBubby

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 1:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I found them because he was acting furtive in the basement. My husband is messy and has a big area of the basement with shelves and boxes where he keeps all kinds of junk. No one ever goes through it. It's the perfect spot to hide stuff. I came down to the basement unexpectedly and my son quickly scrabbled to hide something he was messing around with there. So later I went and looked. Wouldn't you?

My dh is not the person to give a shmiras einayim shmooze. My dh does not have a good relationship with this son. This kid and I have already talked about puberty and shmiras einayim and all that. He knows.

If you already talked to DS about shmiras einayim I would throw out the pics but not say anything to him. DS will get the message that you found the pics. But by not confronting DS you are allowing him to preserve his dignity. This is not an easy nisayon and it is "normal" for boys to give in to temptation. Don't make your son feel like a rasha for something most boys do at least once.

PS Where did your son get the pics? If you leave lingerie catalogs floating around the house, that would be "lifnei iver..." Make sure to throw out these catalogs.

malki2

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 5:21 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

The girl equivalent of a boy looking at inappropriate pictures is when a girl looks at inappropriate pictures.

Of course girls should not look at inappropriate pictures. But what you said is just so out of touch with reality in terms of understanding basic human nature. The Torah and Halacha disagrees with this, and so does Madison Avenue. Ever been in Vegas? I have. In McCarran airport there’s exactly 1 show advertised with shirtless, (not even naked) men, and countless shows and advertisements with topless/fully naked women. Maybe you should go there and stand on a soapbox and preach to them your perception of “reality”.

Mayflower

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 5:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know some people mentioned this is really a topic that should be handled by the father, but my dh is a totally different personality than my son (my son has ADHD and is pretty scattered and irresponsible, while dh is a very by-the-rules kind of guy) so dh has trouble really understanding my son, and their communication isn't the greatest sometimes because dh tends to be a black and white judgmental thinker and doesn't understand ds's thought processes. Dh loves ds very much and would do anything for him, but for day to day stuff I tend to be the one who handles it because I'm better at understanding the kids than my dh. It's really okay. We're not a dysfunctional family, I promise. Smile

OP, it seems like you handled the situation very well. You sound like a great mom!

And your son saving his bar mitsvah money to buy a ring for his future kallah? That literally brought tears to my eyes!

Ruchel

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 7:55 am

Have a man confront, not a female, it's unnecessarily removed from the topic and embarrassing.
He will discuss shmiras eynayim and the WHYS (it's for you not to annoy you)
Ideally discuss also other aspects etc
But don't let him that way, it's staying by the blood of an innocent
(I would def add something about untrue looks/modified and less satisfaction in marriage with those)

urban gypsy

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 9:20 am

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

here he appears to be actively collecting and perusing images-I would compare it to a girl actively working to attract male attention.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 9:24 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

The girl equivalent of a boy looking at inappropriate pictures is when a girl looks at inappropriate pictures.

The p*n industry is generally not catered toward females

FranticFrummie

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 9:42 am

OP, kol ha kavod! I love the talk you gave him. That should be a YouTube video on parenting your teen son! You could submit it to a Jewish Mom blog, so that others could learn from your sensitivity.

I wish you lots of hatzlocha with your husband, and I hope you can find something for DS and DH to bond over, like making a model airplane or something.

Keep up the good work!

banana123

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 9:46 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I found a stash of pictures my 13-year-old son apparently ripped out of sales flyers.

Do I say anything? I don't want to make him feel bad about having natural curiosity and taavos. On the other hand, shmiras einayim and working on self control is important.

I would say something, not from a religious perspective but from a dehumanizing perspective. And how it harms him in the future because no living human with her own needs can ever compare to these photos.
And I would emphasize that this isn't about religion, it's about morality.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 9:51 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

You should be happy knowing that he's not gay. Imagine how you'd feel if he collected pics of male models..

What an insensitive thing to say. There are more than a few amothers here who have gay or lesbian children (and aunts, uncles, cousins, and nephews.)

There is also often quite a gap between looking at pictures, and forming a lasting relationship with someone of the same gender. Orientation is very fluid during the teenage years for many young people. Their hormones are saying "Do it!", but not always specific about who they should be doing it with. As teens grow up, they usually figure out which way they are going to go by the time they are 17 or 18.

My DD claims to not really have an orientation. She sees people as individuals, not genders. She judges them on their middos, instead of objectifying them and turning them into a collection of body parts. Other people do not exist to inspire lust for her, but for her to love for what they bring to the world.

Am I horrified that she sometimes likes girls? Not at all. Not in the least. Heck, she's not even zexually active. It's is all theoretical at this point. I think she's kissed someone once or twice, but that's it.

Honestly, I considered posting this as amother, but I'm not. I think it's important to own this, and stand up for my kid, and other kids out there.

malki2

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 10:16 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

What an insensitive thing to say. There are more than a few amothers here who have gay or lesbian children (and aunts, uncles, cousins, and nephews.)

And I’m sure they’re all really thrilled about it.

So if someone is healthy, they can’t be thankful for it? They have to watch out for all the people who may have sick relatives?

FranticFrummie

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 10:30 am

malki2 wrote:

FranticFrummie wrote:

What an insensitive thing to say. There are more than a few amothers here who have gay or lesbian children (and aunts, uncles, cousins, and nephews.)

And I’m sure they’re all really thrilled about it.

So if someone is healthy, they can’t be thankful for it? They have to watch out for all the people who may have sick relatives?

Sick?

Everyone has their issues, and I'm sure you manage all the mitzvot perfectly. Hashem is the true judge. I don't know why He made certain people the way they are, and neither do you.

I hope I never meet you in real life.

Mama Bear

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 10:41 am

OP you did a marvelous job. I'm impressed.

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