S/O Working women collapsing

amother

Gray

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:28 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I think many work but the headache is the husband’s. Meaning there is no involvement in bill paying or concern of where they stand financially. It’s like a stress free zone in that way. But there’s a downside to living that way too.
It’s possible that women in their 20s and maybe younger 30s started taking on the financial pressure but the people I know that are older than 35 really don’t think it’s their headache . They focus on all the childrearing, housekeeping , being an Aishes chayil and keeping a happy , easy going home as much as possible. But again, I don’t know every chasiddish woman out there and I don’t think we should generalize on an entire group of women.

This.
I work and so does my husband because we do need a double income to make ends meet. But I do not have the burden of financials at all. I don't check my bank account, credit card statements, bills, etc. It's a certain freedom.

amother

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:30 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

well, I'm over 35 and working full time all thru the years thru every age and stage and just want a break already!

amother

Sienna

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Bec this is what he's good at and this is where he shines and I wouldn't want it otherwise. Just musing at all the other kollel, klei kodesh or non working chassidish men whose wives aren't doing what I'm doing, that's all. Thanks for the sympathy, no, out of town wouldn't work.

Look you chose this type of path in life. I know a lot of men that would love to work at a easier job, however they went to work at a place that pays more that isn't their first choice. It's your choice you have to pick and choose what works for you. But you don't get to compare your lifestyle with somebody else's, and say it's not fair when you chose ( or in this case your dh) the easy way in life

amother

Oak

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

TBH - this doesn't make sense. You opened this thread stereotyping an entire group, wondering how they're living it up. Yet now you're saying that you're just envious of a small subgroup of them who have rich connections?

If you truly wouldn't want it otherwise, then you need to get hold of yourself and realize there will be some rich people out there who will have an easy go of it. If you truly wouldn't want it otherwise, then you should be aware that there is a trade-off for this kind of life - with the trade-off being that you shoulder a larger portion of the families burden. I'm not trying to be harsh, but if you chose this lifestyle then I assume you knew that it comes along with shouldering this heavy burden.

So in that case, it just comes down to being envious of the few people who are lucky enough to be able to be in kollel & be fully supported at the same time. In other words, envious of the rich. Welcome to the club Smile

amother

cornflower

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one! Feeling somewhat better now. But there are definitely loads of chassidish women out there living the high life and lucky them!

I am someone who lives the high life like you say. I'm bh grateful to hashem that I have the opportunity to raise my kids with some leisure time thrown in as well.

However, I find your post a little condescending. While you run to work, I might be busy helping out the neighbor that just gave birth. Maybe I take the time to listen to a friend in need. How about familial responsibilities, who's there to take my elderly father to the doctor?

What happens many times, is that the people who are sahm end off doing stuff that the working mother doesn't get to. In other words, maybe your sister in laws who have more time to go to the gym, end off being their for others more than you are capable. I believe that should be acknowledged.

Bottom line,the world is a colorful place,with haves and have nots, and all that comes with it.

amother

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:41 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Sorry, you got it all wrong and I will stand by what I said. I'm not referring to the rich businessmen, just the average chassidish women doesn't collapse after a whole day from working to help support the family. It doesn't matter if I chose this life or not, I'm allowed to vent and feel envious of those who don't need to do this! If you can't sympathize or feel the need to bash me or be harsh, please don't bother responding!

amother

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:42 pm

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

yes, they're definitely doing chesed which I don't have time for and the ultimate chesed is caring for one's family and extended family if they can, which I can't seem to do bec of my heavy other responsibilities!

amother

Sienna

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Please don't blame chasidish people for your problems. If your lifestyle doesn't work for you it's time to take a reality check and work things around.

amother

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:44 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Oh! I didnt realize your husband is in Klei Kodesh. That has nothing to do with chasidish vs not chasidish! It's because your husband isnt working

HE IS WORKING!!! Does klei kodesh mean he's not working? Maybe I'm using the wrong term. He's in chinuch, as opposed to business world and we don't qualify for govt assistance. Yes, it does have to do with chassidish. Whatever, forget it, every time I post here, I feel so misunderstood and not validated, don't know why I bother.

amother

Black

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:45 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You're right, in the chassidish world, if a man is learning long term in Kollel, the onus isn't on the wife to support. Even if they leave kollel and enter chinuch, the wife still isn't necessarily picking up the slack and it's on the man somehow to make ends meet, not the wife! Her attitude is I have enough on my head with my home and children. I have relatives who never worked a day in their life, even once all children were in school and there was no money in the house. It's such a mentality!
Yes, I know there are plenty of litvish women not working and living comfortably but my point is, you won't find a chassidish woman collapsing and not managing bec she has to support her family.

Growing up in the more litvish world, my mother, who worked long, long hours most of her life, would say this of some of her friends as well. There are some women who have just decided that they will not work. And they don't. They marry someone who is on board with the plan, they put their foot down, and the chips fall where they may. Parnassah is never a guarantee for anyone.

I think let's leave aside us peeking into someone else's windows, and focus on your own life instead. What, in your life, can you figure out to either do away with or get help with that can make things more manageable? I work full time as well, but I make it a priority to go to simchas - maybe because ours are few and far between, because my relatives don't have 10 children. Some I forgo because it's too expensive, but I don't feel bad about it. If I have a late night, well, that's what coffee is for!

I grew up with a mother that did all the things you describe in your post. And I never felt like she didn't love me or I didn't have her attention if I really needed it. Maybe that's why I don't have the same guilt about my own kids when I work full time and can't be there for them on vacation. I grew up fine - more than fine, extremely independent and sufficient - and I learned how to run a household. Instead of thinking of this as some kind of chisaron, realize that it's something to be so incredibly proud of! Look what you can do! What you ARE doing! You're amazing! You're a true aishes chayil!

(And notice how that piyut doesn't talk about the aishes chayil taking her kids on vacation and spending loads of time with them, it talks about how she handles the financial responsibilities of the household. Ahem.)

So... what can we work on to make your plate a little easier? To make your burden a bit lighter? Think small, and it will be big!

lilies

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:45 pm

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

All true. Still no connection to 'chassidish'. Op could have posted all these assumptions on sahm in general.

amother

Oak

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:46 pm

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

I'm sorry - but this is a very wrong mindset. You're comparing doing chessed with necessary life responsibilities & financials burdens? Seriously? If you're having a tough day you can just say no to chessed - you can't exactly do that with life responsibilities.

And what about families where there's no SAHM? Do you think they working moms don't carry the burden of their elderly parents?

amother

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:48 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

EXACTLY! We are doing all they're doing plus plus plus! Thumbs Up

amother

Oak

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Of course you're allowed to vent, but don't levy it against the wrong group. The average chassidish women's husband is working full time. There are very few chassidish men in kollel who's wife is not working. They exist, but they usually have rich connections.