S/o clean movies.... Why so clean?

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 8:28 am

singleagain wrote:

Disclaimer, no kids.

But why do you feel the need to make sure everything is sanitized for your kids? Do they never see you kissing? Wouldn't you rather they see kissing from you/in a controlled environment... Then from random places?

Also, consider that with many children, that stuff goes over their heads and if you fast fwd or block it, they will be more curious bc it's suddenly forbidden. I just saw a documentary about modern family. And they're was one early episode where the kids caught their parents in the act. At the time, the eleven year old boy, said he didn't even realize what the episode was about. And he was in it!
I'm not saying that you have to show your kids that episode. But a chaste little kiss or some hand holding isn't going to scar them or lead them down a slippery slope.

Because just because something happens on the street doesn't mean I need to shove it in their faces. Plus kids tend to remember what they see animated on a screen and because you gave it tacit approval they internalize it more. So you'll hear kids singing a song from a TV show (or trying to sing it, or humming bits of the tune, depending on how many times they watched it) but not necessarily the song they heard playing in the department store (unless it was a song they were already familiar with).

Our kids don't see us kissing on the lips but forehead and cheek yes.

We don't fast-forward or block. We just won't show something that is inappropriate. If you have to block or fast-forward, then you shouldn't be showing it in the first place.

But to be fair we have a lot of exclusion criteria for these things, including some that most people on this forum (like most people in real life) would balk at. Not because of religious issues per se but because of value issues in general, stuff that if we were secular we would probably do the same (even if it was harder because society has more pressure to be part of that kind of culture).

Rappel

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 10:18 am

singleagain wrote:

Little to me is less than 12/13.

And I do realize that a lot of this has to be child dependent. Some kids are more intuitive than others.

And to ppl who said, about not "shoving" these things in kids faces... Wouldn't you rather explain something in the privacy of your homes, than worry that your kids might make a scene in public? (Obviously also kid dependant)

There was a scene in Star Trek, TNG where Lal thought a man was biting a woman bc she didn't know what kissing was.

When you become a parent, your brain changes. You can't watch anything remotely violent or painful anymore for entertainment.

You also suddenly see everything from the perspective of those completely open, emotional eyes looking back at you. You don't want to see them hurt, or closed off, or marred in any way.

Your whole sense of the world shifts. The universe no longer revolves around you, but around that little being holding up a stick and saying "buggy!" You would do anything, anything in the world, to keep that being safe, happy, curious, open.

It's a form of insanity, and it changes every part of you. And unless you've been there, you're not going to understand what we're saying, because you're coming at the problem cerebrally, when children require completely lateral parenting.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 10:36 am

singleagain wrote:

So to me little is when they're not yet innocently commenting on it. That happens at between 5-7 years of age.

Shoving - I do explain. But I am not going to purposely shove it in my kids' face just so that they don't say something embarrassing. I think that does more harm than good, because it teaches them that this is shameful and not to talk about it, before they even think about it on their own.

Kids say embarrassing things. Some examples (some I've overheard, some from kids I've babysat, some are from my kids):
- Why is her skin brown?
- Why is that man in a funny chair?
- Why can't that man walk, what's wrong with his legs?
- Why does that man have no shirt?
- Why is that lady so fat?
- Why are his pants torn?
- That man/lady stinks, I don't want to be next to him/her.
- He's a terrorist!
- Why does she have red spots all over her face? (pimples)
- Why do you smoke? Smoking kills you and kills your children.
- She's smoking, call the police.
- That mother needs to have her child taken away, she just hit him on the head.
- Why does that man have long hair? (Female body and face, long hair, beard, male clothes.)
- Why are those men kissing?
- Look at that funny lady! (Woman taking hormones to look like a man, dressed in man's clothing, no facial hair.)
- Why are her eyes shaped so funny? (Chinese)
- I don't like people who....
- Why is he driving on Shabbos?
- He's eating chametz on Pesach! Oy vavoy!
- That child doesn't have a helmet, because her parents want her to die.
- That child isn't in a car seat because her parents want to kill her.
- Why is that mother on a smartphone instead of talking to her children?
- Look, their baby is eating formula because mommy doesn't want to nurse.

I mean, I could go on and on and on. And none of these statements necessarily reflect the parents' own views, just the child's way of seeing the world. The parents might not even notice someone eating chametz on Pesach, might have smartphones themselves and be on them too much, might think the "stinky" guy smells nice (cologne), might have brought their kids to the pride parade, might not even know how their children know the word "formula" because the issue is a non-issue and nursing vs formula is never even mentioned in their house.

But all that really matters in all the above situations is how the parents react. All adults know that kids say embarrassing things, that kids state their minds. Unless the person is really insulted (has really low self-esteem) they usually take it in stride and listen more carefully to your answer than to the kid's question.

I once got the brown skin question (with a comment that made it worse) in public and the woman who was the subject of it told me "wow I love how you answered so honestly and explained it all" and was totally fine with the question. The man in the chair (I got that one, too, more than once) was not insulted and when I gave a simple explanation he just smiled, answered the question ("I got hurt when...and now I can't walk") told me "s/he is so cute" and offered the kid a candy.

It really doesn't matter what your child says. It matters how you handle it.

I'm not afraid of embarrassing questions in public. Kids are kids. They learn about the world. And it's okay to say, "That's a good question, some people get insulted when you talk about it in public, so I'll tell you when we get home." And then just answer it when you're at home.

I'm not going to tell my kids things they're not ready for, or expose them to things they don't need to see right now and/ or aren't ready for, just to avoid them asking questions in public. Firstly because my kids come first, not the public's feelings. Secondly because the effort would be in vain anyways. Whatever you try to tell them at home, they will find some other embarrassing question to ask in public. It's a pointless exercise to be constantly worried about what they will say and constantly prepare them ahead of time so that they won't say anything that's not PC. Kids aren't PC, that's life.

singleagain

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 10:36 am

Rappel wrote:

I'm actually coming at this from kid's view. I grew up with Disney and other movies. Adult jokes went over my head... And honestly... I love the older villains. I mean .. yes I hid under a blanket when Ursula grew to a giant... But Little Mermaid was still my favorite movie for a long time. (And it's still among my top movies now)

It was always just a story. Just a movie. Just something entertaining. And whatever didn't make sense to me... I filled in with my own kid logic.

amother

Coffee

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 2:40 pm

singleagain wrote:

Just so it's clear. I don't mean extensive anything... I just don't understand how even a brief peck on the lips. Hand holding. Or even small hint of a maybe romantic something that isn't totally spelled out is so bad...

To some people it isn't, it's just a matter of different family values. Some people are okay with their kids seeing physical signs of affection like hand holding, brief kisses, hugs between people of the opposite gender. And other people are more comfortable when what their children view in media more closely aligns with their values. There isn't a right or wrong answer it's all personal preference and what people are comfortable with.

We live in a general society where touching/intimacy/affection are so ordinary and benign that people rarely even think about it so it's just normal, there's nothing special about it, people are just numb to it. But, if someone is shomer negiah, if they are raised to regard touching in a different way or take on the practice when they're older even, then it's viewed differently. It's not just a benign, ordinary thing, it's special. For us personally, yes, we realize that hand holding, brief kisses, or hints or romance are considered nothing special to the majority of the world, they're just everyday things that you do with any Joe Shmoe.

However, we prefer to pass on different values and hold ourselves to different values and standards than the majority of the secular world so we don't want to constantly display these things as something we do or should do. I can't really think of a show or movie we've watched that had any of that in it but if it came up we wouldn't make a big to do about it or draw more attention to it than necessary, usually when our son sees something that doesn't align with what we're teaching him he'll mention it out of 6 year old curiosity because he's still figuring out the world and it's usually, "they're doing x but we don't do that because y and everyone is different and that's okay" but we're also not going to make those types of things the norm for us because they're not in line with our values.