Does yelling at kids cause anxiety

amother

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 12:32 am

Not talking about out of control or even very often but I do yell when I get super stressed with them. (Few times a week) Some of my kids suffer from separation anxiety. They don’t want to go to friends houses or some of the older ones won’t go to sleepaway. They seem to be very attached to me. Now my youngest who is 3 is displaying the same separation anxiety that some of the other kids have- she was begging to go to a friend but then wouldn’t let me leave. I know this is normal. But Then I always wonder - if I was a calmer and less emotional parent would they still be that way ? My friends always joke don’t be so good to them and they won’t love you so much but maybe it’s the opposite Rolling Eyes

amother

Puce

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 2:42 am

I have to commend you for asking this question. Usually, when we do something we feel is wrong, we're not quick to face it, own it or ask about the ramifications... So, you should be proud of yourself for being honest with yourself and posting this for your kids' sake.

I'll answer from personal experience - no scientific studies to back me up, but plenty of life observations and hard facts. So, you can take it or leave it.
I'm not sure whether regular yelling is directly connected to separation anxiety, specifically. But there is no doubt in my mind that it contributes to a child's overall sense of insecurity and anxiety.
When children are raised in a calm, accepting, containing environment, they will grow up with a higher sense of self-esteem and confidence.

Having a parent who loses their temper sporadically and without warning is scary for children. It leads to a sense of constant uncertainty and second-guessing... "How is mom going to take this??" "What will happen in xyz scenario...?". SO that even when you're an amazing parent 60-80% of the time, it's the never knowing when Mummy's alternate persona is going to jump out of her skin and frighten them that makes life nerve-wracking. The effect on a child will vary depending on various factors - like each child's different personality and resilience, but for a sensitive child, the effect will be amplified.

My advice to you - don't beat yourself up for the times you haven't been able to control it, but do try to work on the habit as much as possible.
1. Incentivise yourself to restrain the surge of feeling that leads to your yelling.
2. Try to figure out what triggers you and learn to avoid / get a handle on those triggers. I imagine there are plenty of self-help books or articles on the subject.
3. Try to share your struggle with your children! Owning up to your struggle (without too many apologetics - just being honest) and showing them that you're working on your middos is a great example for them, and will lets your children realize that when you suddenly yell it isn't about THEM, it's about YOU. Your issues. Your lack of control. This already makes them feel better. This isn't to say that they're allowed to behave badly, but nothing they do should justify you not knowing how to handle a situation like an adult. So - depending on your children's age - you might say something like: "When you do x,y,z I really need to learn how to stay calm. You need to cooperate, because I'm your mother and you've a mitzvah of Kibbud Av Vém, but I must learn to work on my anger".
Or... "Just because I'm your mother, it doesn't mean I'm perfect! In fact, if I'd be perfect I wouldn't be here anymore, because the only reason we're here on earth is to grow. So... We're all growing together. That's life!"

Honestly, as a mother, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is the knowledge that you're at least trying to be there for them as an ADULT - I.e. knowing that you will always (or for the MOST part) act in a calm, adult manner and that they can act like kids without you losing it, makes the challenges of growing up so much easier to handle.

amother

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 9:34 am

You are amazing. Couldn’t have asked for better advice. I appreciate so much that you took all that time to write such a profound answer. I definitely have worked on myself over the years but right now I am going to make a major effort. Thank you so much

behappy2

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 10:17 am

There could be many reasons.

Personality

Genetically predisposed to anxiety

Not doing the work of acclimating them (spending time with child in new environment multiple times before leaving them)

Pushing kids too early toward independence

I'm sure there is more...

Yelling would not be at the top of my list but I may be lacking knowledge. Either way never hurts to work on ourselves, so long as you remain loving and compassionate toward yourself. Nobody is perfect.

lilies

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 11:13 am

From an attachment perspective, when a parent yells it causes the child to feel insecure in the safety of the relationship. Not in a conscious way.
Parents are human and parents are stressed; rupture in attachment is something to be expected. The trick is in the repair.
Repair the rupture and develop healthy attachment.

You seem to be an amazing mom, and yes, a calmer mother makes a big difference!

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 11:48 am

Separation anxiety is a classic pandas symptom. Especially if it’s regressive. And pandas is epignentic, it tends to run in families.

I wonder if you’re yelling at your kid because they are displaying other symptoms as well. Pandas can be very very frustrating.