How do your kids KNOW that you love them?

thegiver

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 7:47 pm

And want what's best for them?

What do you do or say? If I spend time with them at bedtime they abuse it and start coming out of bed. If I buy them gifts I'm afraid they will be spoiled. If I do everything they need or help them with their obligations they won't do their share and will become lazy. I try physical touch even though it's not my nature I try very hard to overcome it.

What else can I do?

How do you react when they mess up and listen to their yetzer hara? How do you react when they don't listen? When they hit you? When there's chutzpa or shouting?

Thanks in advance!!

amother

Ivory

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 7:50 pm

Listen to them. Repeat back what they said, nodding along. Empathize and show them that their feelings and opinions are valid.

amother

Ruby

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 7:55 pm

Tell them.

amother

Chartreuse

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 8:09 pm

Read The Whole-Brain Child. It changed my parenting tremendously, and it helped my relationship with my kids like you wouldn’t believe.

Zehava

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 8:29 pm

You’re going about this from the outside in. What does love mean to you? How do you know that someone loves you? How do you show love to an adult?

chocolatecake

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 8:35 pm

My kids oldest is 7. My kids love when I read books to them. Whatever happened during the day, I have three kids snuggled on me as I read them a chapter or two of flat Stanley before bed, I know in those moments that they know I love them.

amother

Puce

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 8:46 pm

I tell them all the time that I do things/buy things/think of them during the day.

For example I say things like " I passed by a store that had some snacks out in front and remembered how much you liked a certain one so I went in and bought some for you"

"I thought of you when planning supper this week and remembered how much you used to like having blank so decided to make it this week"

" When I was talking to blank and we were discussing blank, it reminded me of the conversation we just had together last week about that"

"I passed by that park we went to together a few weeks ago. It reminded how much fun I had with you there when we went"

" I thought about you during the day and about the hard test your having so made you your favorite dessert"

All of the above examples are things I would do anyways (like I was planning to make the child's favorite supper anyways, and likely would have gone into the store anyways and bought snacks bec I realized I needed some in general when I passed....and so forth) so it takes no extra time or money from me (just some training in the beginning to get myself to think that way), but makes the child feel special and loved

And once in a while I surprised them with something and tell them I bought it for them just bec I love them (nothing expensive something like a chocolate bar or new gel pens for the child who likes those and etc...)

I also always tell them how lucky I am to have them, how I'm the luckiest a richest mommy in the whole world. I make sure to really mean it when I say it.

I'm not the hugging type and find that very hard, so I make sure to have in mind to hug, kiss, and tell every child I love them before they go to bed.

Edta when I do have to punish them I always make sure to tell them I love them, just didn't like their specific behavior /or was disappointed with what they did(there's no such thing of me saying they were bad, stupid, lazy.... They are not their behavior )

I give each child personal attention each day - it can just be 3-5 minutes after he or she comes home (bedtime is usually to hectic)but during those minutes the child knows he/she is my only focus and the most important to me (I ignore any other interruptions - like my phone, or the baby spilling out all his toys... ) (If during those few minutes I see the child has something really bothering him/her I always make time later or keep him/her up alittle later so we can get more time to talk together)

Fave

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 8:47 pm

Each child has their own love language and I tune into that.

One just likes spend time with me alone, he chats nonstop and I just listen and comment.

Another likes to be hugged and get a “massage on her back” (she’s 5).

My teen daughter loves gifts. I often surprise her with sushi that she can take to school for lunch. Her face lights up when I give her the $4 roll...

amother

Jetblack

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 9:01 pm

I think that you should tell them often, at least once a day you love them and you should spend some focused interested attention on the kids a little each day, so they know they are important to you

Rappel

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 9:06 pm

"do you know why I did XYZ? Because I love you!"

Over and over, thousands of times. Applies to everything from making supper to buying new PJs.

I learned this idea from Rebbetzin Laurie Corlin when she was my kallah teacher, and I'm so grateful. I'm not naturally verbal, so it felt strange at first. But it created a palpable recognition in our home that everything that we're doing is because we love each other.

#BestBubby

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 9:07 pm

Try to be available when they want to talk. If you can't, make an appointment with them to speak with them (like bedtime).

Ask them frequently how are things going.

Show interest in their lives and get to know them:

Who are their friends?
What is their best subject?
Their worst subject?
What are their interests/ hobbies?
What are their favorite foods/ nosh?

If they mention they have a test, wish them success - and follow up and ask them how they think they did.

Showing interest = showing love

keym

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 9:15 pm

I try to listen when they talk, and remember what they said and follow up.
How was your math quiz?
Was it your turn to give out the papers?
How did basketball go?
Was today better than yesterday?

behappy2

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 9:18 pm

thegiver wrote:

Not sure I understand your post.

Are you trying to love them by sitting with them? Is it an intention of them feeling loved?

Kids don't get spoiled from gifts (in moderation)

Don't you do things for them besides for taking over their responsibilities? Don't you dress your little ones, schmooze with older ones, take them to the doctor, buy them clothes, make them supper etc..

To answer the first question, you talk lovingly, pay attention to them, validate thrir feelingd, tell them you love them, play with them, protect them, don't fight with your spouse in front of them, take care of all their needs (physical, emotional, social, spiritual) teach them wrong from right, give them life skills and so much more.

I do tell my kids when I'm being the mean mommy (calling them in earlier than friends) that it's bec I love them.

To answer your second questions. Kids don't like to be disciplined but they need it and it's not contradictory to love it's actually part of love.

Lastly, kids may tell you what they need if you listen. They have diff needs and diff ways of feeling loved.

amother

Khaki

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 10:23 pm

thegiver wrote:

Kisses, hugs, constant praise. Criticize the act, not the child, when necessary.

IsraeliSoul

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 10:37 pm

Try to put yourself into their world.
When you are with them, be with them all the way.

And don’t punish when you only have anger in your heart. Wait for the love to kick in before

amother

Red

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 10:44 pm

Do you love them?

nchr

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 11:24 pm

You can never know if someone loves you. That doesn't matter. What matters is your children need someone to meet their physical and emotional needs while fostering the skills they will need to be healthy, independent adults. I love my kids but it just is, I cannot prove it.

gande

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 11:33 pm

spend time, kisses, gifts are all great. what makes kids even more secure is validation and empathy. I love the book 'how to talk so kids will listen' it taught me a lot about how to respect and connect to the child.

life is fun

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 3:21 am

EVERY SINGLE NIGHT before they go to sleep tell the kids you love them.

I sing songs about how much I love them.
Verbalising to them thst they hear it is very important.
I put notes into their school lunches sometimes too.

Hugs and kisses unconditionally....

Good luck

We can only try our best

erm

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 3:23 am

Be there for them. Put in the time. Make them your priority. Children feel it.