How do your kids KNOW that you love them?

liveandlove.ima

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 3:33 am

Rappel wrote:

"do you know why I did XYZ? Because I love you!"

Over and over, thousands of times. Applies to everything from making supper to buying new PJs.

I learned this idea from Rebbetzin Laurie Corlin when she was my kallah teacher, and I'm so grateful. I'm not naturally verbal, so it felt strange at first. But it created a palpable recognition in our home that everything that we're doing is because we love each other.

I like this idea a lot, but doesnt it come off in a way of because you did abc...
love should be unconditional. Please explain

ChanieMommy

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 5:29 am

Children are not robots... you cannot push a button and they will do what you want...they have their own autonomy, their own independence, their own will

so you should notstop reading them bedtime stories because sometimes they get up afterwards...

What you write there worries me,on several levels.

You write that you don't like to cuddle, yet you force yourself to do it... It's nice that you understand that it is necessary, but it could be that your children can feel/see that you don't like it. The fact in itself that you don't like it is a disadvantage for your children.

You write that your children hit you. Your children should not hit you, and you should stop them from doing it. It could happen when they are toddlers, then you catch the hand and say "no" or "don't hit" with a very serious face. But it should not happen past the age of 4...

You write: "If I do everything they need or help them with their obligations they won't do their share and will become lazy." those are unrealistic expectations. Children are not robots... You have to work together with them, you have to motivate them, it is all about doing it together, it's all about communication...

And if this is the problem, if you flee the communication with your children, it could well be that they feel unloved.

The most important thing you have to give your children is attention.

Withholding attention from their children can have many negative effects, mainly that they will seek your attention in a negative way, and this could make family life unpleasant.

Also, there is no "fair" and "unfair" between the children and you, because you have an asymetrical relationship to begin with... what you write sounds a bit as if your children were your siblings - I do my chore - they don't...

That's not what it is about... You are the mother, you have responsabilities and prerogatives... you are not equal with your children... you are the grown-up in the picture... therefore you cannot indulge in petty bickering with your children as if they were siblings...

Teomima

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 8:27 am

Zehava wrote:

You’re going about this from the outside in. What does love mean to you? How do you know that someone loves you? How do you show love to an adult?

I agree with this.
If you do genuinely love your children, let it flow through you. You don't have to DO anything, just make sure they feel it. Tell them you love them. Make yourself available to them. Spend time with them. Share your interests with them and show interest in theirs.

Their whole lives I have always told my kids my number 1 job(s) is to love them and keep them safe. I've also told them my love is unconditional, that I might not always like them (like say if they grow up to be an ax murderer), but I will always, no matter what, love them. But most importantly, all this love is true. I find it easy to make sure they feel loved because I feel so much love for them. This is what I understand Zehava to mean when she says you're going about this from the outside in. FEEL the love, then even just looking at them with love in your eyes should help them feel that.