Is it ever okay to ask someone

rachel6543

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 6:06 pm

Never ever! Once a family friend told my husband Mazal tov because she thought I was pregnant. Nope, I was just wearing a loose style dress. Most definitely was NOT pregnant. embarrassed

life is fun

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 6:56 pm

Defenetly not, never!!

Now in Covid times so mamy people have gained weight and are self conscious that they look pregnant. And feel embarrassed.

Its never ok to ask!!

amother

Sienna

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 7:17 pm

I posted about this a year or 2 ago...

Got numerous comments regarding my pregnancy ... I wasn’t pregnant. Really wanted to be but I wasn’t .

Anyone follow @balaboosta on Instagram? She speaks about this a LOT

life is fun

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 7:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How do we show this list to all those lacking common sense?

Common sense isnt common unfortunately so you may need to show it to many....

amother

Lemon

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 7:28 pm

Never ok.
My mother in law once asked me when I was due and how come I didn't tell her the news. I actually wasn't wearing clothing that made me look pregnant (at least I thought so)...little did she know that I miscarried TWINS two weeks before. I never told her about the miscarriage. I was really hurt. I got pregnant after that with ds and I didn't even tell her till 20 weeks. I am pregnant now and didn't say till after 20 weeks either.
I also had a full term stillbirth years ago and ppl asked me afterwards when I was due ( I gained a lot of weight that pregnancy) it was so awkward and hard.
I will never ever ask someone even if they look like they are due tomorrow . I also will never ever ask someone when they are due or if they are pregnant unless they tell me before and speak to me about it first. I also don't really tell ppl I am pregnant either since it is nerve-wracking till the end for me.

amother

Sienna

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 7:42 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

That is so so hard 😢 I’m so sorry for your losses.

amother

Linen

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 12:38 am

My MIL thinks that anyone who gained a little bit in their belly is pregnant. She moved to my neighborhood and now tells me once a week who she thinks is pregnant.
She's pretty much always wrong, except when she thought my friend who had just shared her miscarriage with me was pregnant, but I still said "nope! Shes just fat!"

amother

Maroon

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 2:16 am

Reminds me of a situation once at the post office. In Israel, pregnant women and people over 80 are allowed to go straight to the head of the line. The line was long and there was a woman who really looked like she was in her 9th month, but of course, who says anything? So there she was, waiting on a long line, when she finally said, "hey, don't pregnant ladies go to the front?" Everyone sighed with relief and let her go straight through. That's the only time I can think of when a nosy question might have helped.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 2:31 am

When I first became frum, I said to a woman "b'sha'a tova."

She said "Thanks, but you're 3 months too late. I had a boy!"

She was so incredibly sweet and gracious about it, but I still want to crawl in a hole when I think about that. embarrassed

That was 20 years ago, but it's engraved in my mind like it was yesterday. Lesson learned: KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT! Silent

amother

Khaki

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 6:29 am

OP, just smile and say "b'ezrat Hashem" - it can go either way. B'ezrat Hashem you'll be pregnant, or b'ezrato you are pregnant and it will end well.

That's what I do, anyways. Credit to an anonymous mother on a different forum for the idea.

amother

Oak

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 7:21 am

A relative's child once asked me when I wasn't. I don't blame the kid, obviously kids are kids, but I did tell him that it's inappropriate to ask that question. Mother got all huffy about it and then said perhaps instead of getting insulted I should take it as the obvious wake up call that I need to lose weight.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 7:45 am

I get asked and it irks me. I have found an answer to make them feel stupid “god knows” is what I answer I will let them know when I’m ready to share.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 7:47 am

I'm not sure it's never ok.

I have had some fertility issues and have a friend who's also undergoing fertility treatments. We've talked about it a lot. From time to time she'll ask me how things are going and will ask me outright if I'm pregnant (nothing to do with "looking pregnant"). I never asked her, but I also don't mind her asking me...

For some friends, I know they don't say anything and they'll just assume that you know from a certain point and it becomes ok to talk about it.

I usually wait to say anything until it's really very obvious, and I'll never ask "are you pregnant". I'll just say "how are you feeling?" ... Is that also not ok? No one ever seemed bothered by it (or at least it didn't show).

amother

Pink

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 8:28 am

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

I am super-makpid on not asking. But once it was SO obvious that she was, I felt comfortable commenting on it.

She wasn't Can't Believe It

Oh yes, this happened to me too.
I went from a person that really practically never, hardly ever asked to a person that never ever ever ever asks after I made a mistake, when it looked so clearly like she was pg.
Then, of course, they get upset that I didn't wish them Besha'a Tova and didn't send me the info on the bris.
Can't win. But I still won't ask.

Zehava

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 8:32 am

I gain weight only in my stomach. And my corona+YT stomach looks so perfectly baby like I’m waiting for my hopeful family to say something😂. Just so I can say “it’s a food baby”!

amother

Mustard

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 12:41 pm

I have a close friend who never tells me when she's expecting.
She may at a late stage make a reference to it, or something, but she won't actually come out and say anything.
This past time I didn't say anything, and I left it in her court. I felt hurt that she would openly talk about her pregnancy at an exercise class, but hadn't actually mentioned anything to me personally as her friend. She had also been privy to a difficult experience I had had with a miscarriage, and had even broached the subject of the miscarriage with me a few months later. But she didn't say anything to me personally about her pregnancy until very close to her birth when she told me about a big birth related dilemma she was having. I found the whole thing a bit difficult to understand.

And then I thought, well maybe it was my fault for not saying anything when it was obvious?

I guess I did the right thing not saying anything based upon responses here. It just felt so awkward.