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Forum
-> Working Women
amother
OP
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 3:55 pm
I've been at my current job for around 3 years. My hours are long and I have a lot of different tasks. I love what I do when things go smoothly
I am usually motivated and eager to think of new ways to improve the work environment
but I do not get along with my boss's wife. She probably has a serious mental disorder. She likes to micromanage us and does not trust anyone (me, her husband, other staff members, clients etc etc). Some of her requests are feasible but some are not.
I have worked myself into such a state that even feasible ones I get upset about and can't see the good in what she says.
She is now monitoring my hours to make sure that I don't spend one extra minute at work then necessary (BC j might cheat her and make her pay me for no reason) I am an honest person and I would never ever do that. She wants to cut my pay BC I couldn't achieve a goal she set for the month. A goal which although is the most NB goal of the job is sometimes out of our hands. Financial reasons and other reasons.
She sometimes leaves us alone and then everything goes smoothly. Whenever she gets involved again. People quit and I don't cope .
If I talk to him. He tries to explain to her how I'm feeling and that she needs to be nicer to people BC he is a nice person. Then that night I get a nasty email from him how I should not talk badly about her and just only bring things up with her and not him. ( Written by her which I know for a fact)
I have blocked my private calls on my phone BC she likes to call me on a private number.. like on erev shabbos or at 7 am. Out of work hours.
She reads my work emails (which is ok). Opens unread emails. Deletes emails. (Not ok )
I'm debating whether to quit. He wants me to stay BC I am good at my job (if I do say so myself) and if I leave he'll have to find someone else and she'll torture the next person and it's be a non stop cycle. Plus I have nothing else to go to. Carona is hard on employment etc etc.
He knows I am at rock bottom. And that I'm completely demotivated. But he doesn't know what to do. His staff Vs his wife.
Please be nice to me when replying. I am an emotional hormonal wreck right now. With her and my irregular cycles, bleeding mid cycle, not eating or sleeping well.
I am on antidepressants BC of her. Thinking of upping my dosage (with the dr's permission) BC I'm not coping.
I will not take kindly to critisim. So if you have nothin nice to say-please don't say it. I will probably cry.
Thank you and sorry for the long message.
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ExtraCredit
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 3:57 pm
If you are on antidepressants BC of her, run!
P.s. what makes you think you deserve criticism for being abused by someone?
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justmarried:)
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 3:59 pm
I would say try to find something else. It's affecting your mental health and that isn't ok. Can you afford to quit without something else lined up? I wouldn't stay in a toxic work environment.
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amother
Coral
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:00 pm
Sounds like you should run far away!
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amother
Slategray
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:07 pm
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It doesn't sound like things will change for the better. Is there any way of having a frank discussion with your boss about your concerns? Realistically, though I would recommend looking for another job. Your mental health is important. You matter.
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amother
Lavender
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:09 pm
oh wow - I wonder if we work for the same boss!! I work for a fairly decent man. His wife is another story. Also, reads emails, micromanages, is rude to clients. She treats me like a shmatta. I have no advise just I can completely understand how you feel.
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BH Yom Yom
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:12 pm
I am so sorry for what you’re going through, OP! What a nightmare. Good for you for setting boundaries (like with your phone) and sticking up for yourself. Hugs.
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Fave
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:13 pm
I would recommend leaving, but you should first try to line up another job.
Nothing you’ll do or say will make her nicer.
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NotInNJMommy
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:20 pm
"You're only as strong as your boss."
That was a good piece of advice I got years ago. Part of a boss's job to enable employees to get their jobs done. And part of that is removing barriers and, of course, counterproductive and unprofessional behaviors.
It's not your responsibility to worry about the next victim or how your boss will cope. You need to take care of you.
I think you can clearly, professionally, and in writing, (maybe email yourself ) state your boundaries with this coworker. For example, no deleting emails. Another example, how you will providing timekeeping information.
She will probably not doing anything with it or instead will retaliate, and since your "boss" told you to deal with her and not him, well, then you have your answer.
Start looking for something else now. Quite frankly, it seems even something not as objectively rewarding may be worth it to not have that toxic environment.
And when you give 2 weeks notice, mean it and walk out that door. If asked why, I would decline to talk any further about it. There's been x weeks/months/years that this has been brought to his attention and it's time to move on. You appreciate this experience and the opportunities its afforded you, and wish him and his company the best.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:22 pm
justmarried:) wrote: | I would say try to find something else. It's affecting your mental health and that isn't ok. Can you afford to quit without something else lined up? I wouldn't stay in a toxic work environment. |
I wish I was financially stable to quit but I'm the breadwinner. Kolel wife etc etc. We'd probably survive like 2 months if I get severence and unemployment package. But they'll need to fire me for that.
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amother
Bisque
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:32 pm
Don't run, sprint!!
I understand your dilemma, but this feels like a no-brainer to me! Surely no money is worth how much you are suffering.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:32 pm
ExtraCredit wrote: | If you are on antidepressants BC of her, run!
P.s. what makes you think you deserve criticism for being abused by someone? |
He offered to pay out of pocket (behind her back) for me to go to a therapist to learn how to deal with her. But I think that will cause more issues. BC she will wonder where the money is going and will think he is cheating on her with me. ( Yes she thinks that. She doesn't trust him or me) ( I am married to a wonderful man who doesn't know what to do anymore with his hormonal cry baby of a wife)
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justmarried:)
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:41 pm
Your not a cry baby wife this isn't a Normal or healthy situation. So if leaving before finding something else isn't financially possible search for a job in full force. I feel like if you can get out of this situation like getting a new job you wouldn't need therapy. Good luck! Keep us posted.
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agreer
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:48 pm
she sounds insane.
get out as soon as you can.
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NotInNJMommy
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:50 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | He offered to pay out of pocket (behind her back) for me to go to a therapist to learn how to deal with her. But I think that will cause more issues. BC she will wonder where the money is going and will think he is cheating on her with me. ( Yes she thinks that. She doesn't trust him or me) ( I am married to a wonderful man who doesn't know what to do anymore with his hormonal cry baby of a wife) |
You are not the problem.
This is completely unprofessional of him as well, although "well meaning"...he's avoiding his responsibility as an employer.
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SuperWify
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 4:51 pm
I’m sorry. If o was you I would’ve quit yesterday.
You should lot be in a job that requires meds for you to function. That’s not normal.
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moonstone
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 5:29 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | He offered to pay out of pocket (behind her back) for me to go to a therapist to learn how to deal with her. But I think that will cause more issues. BC she will wonder where the money is going and will think he is cheating on her with me. ( Yes she thinks that. She doesn't trust him or me) ( I am married to a wonderful man who doesn't know what to do anymore with his hormonal cry baby of a wife) |
He'll pay for you to go to therapy to learn how to deal with her??? WHAT??? HE needs therapy to learn how to stand up to this crazy witch (with a capital b). Quit. Quit now. This woman is already badly affecting your mental health. It's only going to get worse. It is not normal to need antidepressants to deal with a job. I'm not yelling at you, it's not your fault - you're the victim here- but this seems to have become normalized in your head. Honey, it's not normal.
Would your husband be willing to leave kollel and get a job? You shouldn't have to take any more abuse from this horrible woman.
And please stop calling yourself a crybaby. Anyone would cry from what you're going through.
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allthingsblue
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 5:34 pm
This is messed up. Please leave.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 5:47 pm
moonstone wrote: | He'll pay for you to go to therapy to learn how to deal with her??? WHAT??? HE needs therapy to learn how to stand up to this crazy witch (with a capital b). Quit. Quit now. This woman is already badly affecting your mental health. It's only going to get worse. It is not normal to need antidepressants to deal with a job. I'm not yelling at you, it's not your fault - you're the victim here- but this seems to have become normalized in your head. Honey, it's not normal.
Would your husband be willing to leave kollel and get a job? You shouldn't have to take any more abuse from this horrible woman.
And please stop calling yourself a crybaby. Anyone would cry from what you're going through. |
He wants me to stay. I can't financially afford to not work. He wants me to learn how to stand up to her BC she will never chane.
But you guys are all right. I really need to quit. I really just want to settle down in a job. So hard.
Basically bit more info. I started working there 3 years ago and she was exactly the same but my position was lower. I left when I had my baby BC of the hours, pay and well her. I went elsewhere for a few months. Unfortunately that didn't work out ( I wish it for BC it was such a nice environment. Really nice people). They begged me to come back. Gave me a huge salary increase from before ( and the other job) and offered me all kind of deals that would work with a baby and I was in such a dilemma. BC I knew what she was like. We asked a Sheila and I was advised to try. It's been a rocky year. Let's say 9/12 months have been fine. But last few weeks she's come back full force and with me being a hormonal wreck just not coping at all with it. Not one tiny iota
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amother
OP
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Thu, Oct 29 2020, 5:53 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | He wants me to stay. I can't financially afford to not work. He wants me to learn how to stand up to her BC she will never chane.
But you guys are all right. I really need to quit. I really just want to settle down in a job. So hard.
Basically bit more info. I started working there 3 years ago and she was exactly the same but my position was lower. I left when I had my baby BC of the hours, pay and well her. I went elsewhere for a few months. Unfortunately that didn't work out ( I wish it for BC it was such a nice environment. Really nice people). They begged me to come back. Gave me a huge salary increase from before ( and the other job) and offered me all kind of deals that would work with a baby and I was in such a dilemma. BC I knew what she was like. We asked a Sheila and I was advised to try. It's been a rocky year. Let's say 9/12 months have been fine. But last few weeks she's come back full force and with me being a hormonal wreck just not coping at all with it. Not one tiny iota |
Forgot to add that my husband is waiting to do a test inorder to be able to get qualified. He kind of is the stay at home dad . Like he does the dishes and laundry and babysat when kid didn't have school and I had work. Plus he doesn't want to leave yet. I kind of want him to stay in learning a bit longer BC at least let one of us get some spirituality.
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