Ok how do I handle this?

amother

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 11:41 am

First of all, I am loving all these parenting posts - thanks everyone Very Happy

What is the appropriate response/reaction if your DH yells at / criticizes/ sets off a child - whether is is "called for" or uncalled for? Please discuss both scenarios.

Not an option to discuss with or change him.

professor

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 11:46 am

If it was uncalled for: explain to the child that daddy is in a bad mood/ doesn't understand/etc. Ask the child how he feels and make sure you give the right response.

If it was called for, don't do anything. (Can you talk to your DH later? Quierly? Or is that also not a possibility)

amother

Silver

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 11:49 am

If it's uncalled for, I'd explain to the child that dad was having a rough moment and made a mistake. And when DH has calmed down, I'd explain to him that he hurt the childs feelings and he should apologize to the child.
If it's called for, I wouldn't say anything to the child but I'd explain to DH that he was too harsh on the child and he should try to be softer in the future.

ShishKabob

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 11:54 am

This is what I do. You may be dead set against it, but it works for me and for many other people. The alternative did not work, for me or for dh or for the kids.
I think to myself that this is the best father for my kids and that they can handle their father. They know him since they're born and they can deal with their father best. And this is the best father that Hashem picked out for them.
The more I practice this, the less of these incidents there are Boruch Hashem!!!!!

When I start just thinking that this guy is nuts and the kids will be traumatized for life, what happens is twofold. My dh picks up on it and we have a very unpleasant situation, AND the child themselves can't deal with what their father did or said.

If I do my exercises properly, the child calms down on their own.

I have observed, that when my dh did something totally uncalled for and it wasn't warranted (does not happen often bh) and I didn't confront him or have bad thoughts about it, he ended up going himself to the child and apologizing and making peace with them. (I have 'davened' in my head, that the child should not get affected negatively from this situation)

If I would've interfered, it wouldn't have accomplished anything, not with my sholom bayis and not with my child that would've been mad at dh and me for that matter.

I am under the impression that when my dh messes up he feels and knows it and he feels guilty about it as well. He doesn't need me to 'enlighten' him that he made a massive mistake and he doesn't need me to rub it into him either.

imasinger

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

First of all, I am loving all these parenting posts - thanks everyone Very Happy

Why are you taking the best option off the table?

If the two of you can't discuss parenting together, with or without help, you are making life so much harder.

Many men start with the position that they're not interested in changing their position or seeking help.

But it doesn't have to be the final word.

My suggestion is that you seek therapy for yourself, to get support and gain clarity.

Anything else seems like a band-aid on a broken arm; neither necessary, not sufficient.

Zehava

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

First of all, I am loving all these parenting posts - thanks everyone Very Happy

One can never change another person
Can you elaborate on the part where it’s not an option to discuss?

ShishKabob

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:33 pm

crust wrote:

I think that phrasing your schmooze in a way that you are asking him for advice is a good way to make sure not to step on his male ego.

That is generally a great tip, however, it will not go over well if she is judging him and fuming at him in her mind. These thoughts are no so subtle and will rollover in the conversation (confrontation) with him.

mum22

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:39 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

If she’s judging him and fuming at him then it’s the wrong time for a discussion.

Perhaps that’s why discussions don’t work.
They must take place in a calm atmosphere with no judgments.

You’re a great dad, very involved. Is there a different appropriate response when this situation comes up.

Success10

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:45 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I love this.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:06 pm

ShishKabob's approach only works if dh will recognize when he has done something uncalled for, AND apologize. I used this approach for awhile and found myself in my kid's therapy session listening to how badly they have been damaged by it. Many dh's assume they are right and if the kid reacts badly, that's another misbehavior. Others (or the same ones, at other times) will recognize an overreaction but not have the skills or self confidence to apologize. And yes, the uh often will not discuss it or make changes, and any attempt to discuss in any way is seen as the wife wanting to do everything her way and be overbearing with dh and babying the kids.

It sounds like that's where OP is. I intervene if needed, and if not, afterwards tell them that Dh got away from himself and/or didn't understand, and that that doesn't make it ok. If the message was right but the delivery was the problem, I tell them so. And I tell them that everyone in life has things they need to work on, and this is one of DH'S. If he doesn't apologize, I remind them that in life, people might wrong them and not apologize for various reasons, and they will need to tell themselves that they know they didn't deserve that. And we practice.

Dh hates that I do this because he says it diminishes respect, but I have to do it anyway. I tell the kids that I too am working on things.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:39 pm

Don't pamper your DH's ego on your children's cheshbon!

If you want to do that for your own shalom bayis, that's between you and him, and you're both adults.

Children can't defend themselves, and they depend on their parents to protect them. If DH is out of like, your kids need you to speak up.

Ugh. I wish men had to take a parenting class and get certified, before they were allowed to produce children.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 5:11 pm

While he's yelling, I text him to stop. eek.
If the child is crying, I say "aww. come here". and I hug them..the older ones don't react any more. nebach, they're used to their angry father. I can discuss it until I'm blue in the face. l'meisah when its put to the test, he fails every time.

amother

Blush

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 7:43 pm

This is my hardest nisayon right now!!! (Okay fine, one of them).

I started a whole post about it a while back. My husband wants little tiny robots that obey every command without thought or challenge. He does not have even a basic understanding of what is developmentally appropriate to expect from a child.

He is EXTREMELY sensitive to any type of feedback from me, regardless of how I present it. He is simply not interested.

It is so difficult. It destroys the environment of our home and really impacts my menuchas hanefesh.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 7:53 pm

Sounds like there's a lot of us. Sigh.

Dh recently made some real changes. So it's possible. But what it took to get him to do that can't be undone. I have multiple children with varied anxiety disorders, and one who has left for school and doesn't come back much.

This isn't a scare tactic- because I still don't know the solution. I asked numerous people/ experts and got variations of the things written in this thread, and settled on what I do. But he wasn't going to change anything because of anything I said. He had to see it for himself. And when he did, it almost broke him past the point of being willing and filing able to try to change.

amother

Blush

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 8:11 pm

The absolute hardest part for me is that he's actually a good father! His heart is in the right place, he loves his kids, he actually enjoy spending time with them.... it's all in his delivery.

He cuts off his nose to spite his own face! And if he wasn't so darn stubborn, he would actually be willing to have some conversations about parenting.

And obviously he's completely anti therapy. And obviously he does not want to go to the rabbi. And obviously it's all in MY head.

Can't Believe It

Ugh.