My daughter doesn't want to daven

amother

Ruby

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 10:12 am

Offer for her to daven less,, and with a translation in the siddur.
Limit shacharis to brachos and shema.
Ask if she can try for shemone esrei on shabbos/ rosh chodesh.
You should daven with your door opened or in a communal space in the home.
She should see adults daven, and its important to you. She'll think kids might not, but in her family, adults do.
Never force, punish, yell, etc.
She can speak directly to hashem too, if you give her a list of the requirements.
Small steps consistently are much more valuable than quantity when you're on top of her.

If she's young enough, daven WITH her, especially things like birches hachodesh or hallel or just yishtabach and shema. Then share a treat together.

Bentsching:
Bentsh aloud as a family when possible.
Limit bentshing to first bracha for child.
You should always remember to bentsh when eating bread.
Don't serve bread for meals where there'll be a fight.

If she's old enough, like 10-11, talk to her and have her be part of the discussion and plan. Treat her with maturity. Explain why its important and where she can begin.

giselle

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 10:12 am

Tell her to say whatever she can even if it’s one bracha. I was always forced to daven, and I still have a hard time with it. I can speak to Hashem from my heart all day and night, but I have a very hard time opening a siddur. There’s no point in pushing it. Let her come to it on her own.

Anecdotally, over Sukkos vacation I noticed my son davening very quickly (we were quarantined). There was no way he was saying all the words. I had to bite my tongue but I didn’t say anything. When he went back to yeshiva about a week later he mentioned to me that he’s been trying to daven better. This came completely on his own. I was so grateful that Hashem gave me the wisdom to keep my mouth shut!

allthingsblue

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 10:19 am

giselle wrote:

This.
Model a good davening for her. Let her see you davening. Say out loud, "thanks You Hashem" and "please, Hashem."
The relationship needs to be real and positive, not forced or negative.

peacenine

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 12:11 pm

Shes young and not yet mechuyav to daven. The most important thing is for her to have a positive association with davening so when shes older she'll be connected to Hashem and want to daven.
I loved to daven when I was a teen but now as a mom it's hard for me to do it. But I constantly talk to Hashem in front of my kids. This keeps me connected and teaches my kids that Hashem is here and listens.

amother

Cyan

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 12:17 pm

peacenine wrote:

This.
Main thing: she should not walk away from doing any mitzva feeling resentment,

She needs to know what to do . But after you give her a bencher or say don’t forget to bentch I think you should walk out of the room.
Don’t nag and don’t even check if or how she benched.
Sometimes it has to do with growing up. Child isn’t ready yet...

PinkFridge

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 12:23 pm

hodeez wrote:

Sing it with her, make it fun. Reward her

Depends what kinds of rewards. A little treat on her pillow or something (food, new hairband) with a note that says, I know davening is hard for you and I'm proud you're making the effort could be nice. (And in keeping with the idea that even we grownups need to sometimes reward ourselves to make the guf happier to go along with the neshama.) But I wouldn't make a thing out of it, or start with charts, etc.

I vote low key. Be a good example yourself. Maybe share a personal story. Then don't be her mashgiach.

amother

Blue

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 1:39 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

I'm 23 and I very much relate.

Ugh. I stopped doing it between high school and getting married. I'm trying now for DH but I detest it. I keep thinking God will forgive me if I don't bentch. He loves me. It's okay.

I totally hear you, but can’t help myself from commenting on your last sentence- at least Bench the first Bracha. Or don’t wash/ eat bread during the week. It might be deoraisa, whereas all other Davening, as a woman, you’re likely exempt from.(“he loves me it’s ok” attitude will probably cause other problems in your life, between you and dh and when raising kids)

PinkFridge

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 2:14 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

Good for you for trying.
You're a grownup now and can own your Yiddishkeit.
No one will or should tell you that you need to say the whole bensching from a benscher. Say the first bracha for now. Think about it. Moshe Rabbeinu wrote it for a generation that was sustained by mon. Some people had no other frame of reference. The truth is, it's relevant to us too. Hashem is still in charge of every detail of our parnasa. We should enjoy our tasty food with the kavana the generation of the mon needed to have to maximize their pleasure, that it's totally a gift from Hashem that He wants us to enjoy.

Oh, and Moshe Rabbeinu was also the author of a few perakim of Tehillim, including the iconic 91, which is so warm and nurturing. (It's possible Dovid Hamelech edited, but he retained Moshe's voice.)

Then, endorse yourself. Heartily and often. Maybe not for your husband to hear but for you to hear. Any and every little step you take is precious, and deserves recognition for the hard work involved. Because it's hard for you. You can be thinking in terms of Rosh Hashana, that here is something for me to show Hashem proudly and take to the bank. I once did something, I won't go into what, but anyone would recognize it as a big thing and gracious gesture and even now, years later, I call on that zechus. You deserve to feel a shtolz that this is who I am and this is what I value and want to work hard on. But baby steps. And don't think of where you are and where you should be. Any step on the way that is that one step further is a place to be proud of.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Natural

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 2:20 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

Yeah, Yeah I know. I've been working on it - I force myself to say the first few brochas.

amother

Natural

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 2:22 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

Thank you for taking the time to write this lengthy post of chizuk.

I have pretended to say brochos, say a brocha after I wash, and daven since 3rd grade. Since I've gotten married I'm working on it a lot. I don't have kids yet but I know I need to set a good example or they won't either. How can I hate it and resent it less?

PinkFridge

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:49 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

What do you resent? Did you ever connect?
One of the Rabbis Krohn (junior, don't remember which) has a series on Torah Anytime on brachos. None of them longer than 5 minutes iirc. You might find them refreshing and helpful.

Just One

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 6:33 pm

Just had a conversation about this with my elementary age daughter. She's always liked davening (unlike me who's always struggled) so it was never an issue. Lately though she's been having a hard time davening. One thing I'll never do is force it or guilt her into it.

Basically I told her that I'm sure her neshama would love to daven but it's her body that's just not in the mood. Sometimes if we can get the body involved it stands in the way less. So she can promise herself a little treat before she starts davening so it has something to look forward to.... And that's where I leave it. I remind her but don't push. So far it's been working great.

There's a mashal on this that kids find entertaining but I'm too lazy to type it out

amother

Puce

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 6:42 pm

I had the hardest time with it growing up. And I do it, now, but I realize that davening is really an age thing. The older you are, the more you appreciate doing it. I'm much older than a lot of you here.

For my kids, I got them this when they were young, and it's super short and to the point. And when they don't feel like davening, I tell them to do it from this siddur, and they do because it's super quick. Make it short, but keep the routine.

https://mekorjudaica.com/my-fi.....w_wcB

Just One

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 6:47 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

In good cases it's just a matter of age

Someone's though kids end up picking up so many negative associations (by well meaning parents and educators) they never outgrow it