Did I spoil them by being too patient?

amother

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:03 am

I work very hard to be a very patient mother and create a calm environment at home. I focus very much on empathy and building a close relationship with my children. BH I have very good children to show for it and a great relationship with them as well. I recently had a baby and I guess lack of sleep combined with hormones is causing me to have less patience than usual. I’m not losing it or yelling at anyone. But things are getting me more annoyed or frustrated than usual. And I express it. The thing is I feel like they’re so used to the way I normally am that they’re getting all sulky and moody if I’m not my perfect self. I don’t really think I’m perfect, but I feel like they expect me to be. I am cognizant of the fact that I am likely feeling this way because I’m post partum, and I try to maintain the usual calm as much as I can, but I’m feeling resentful as if I always have to be super patient. I just had a baby! I want to be able to let go a little. I know it’s not fair to them, but I’m just feeling a bit emotionally drained. Sometimes I want to stick them in another family for a week so they can see how other mothers are. So many people I know yell or lose it and at best do not have this relationship with their children. I want to tell them, don’t you realize how lucky you are? But I also really value the atmosphere in our home and I want to keep it that way. It really makes everyone, including myself, happier and calmer. This weekend was a bit stressful. I feel bad that my son is going back to yeshiva this way. Maybe I’m too hard on myself. Not every weekend can be perfect. Maybe I just want to feel more appreciated.. I don’t know! I never felt this way until now! Darn hormones. Ok thanks for letting me vent.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 7:40 am

Are you me? I could've written exactly word for word . I'm also trying hard to satisfy my children and give them a good upbringing. Now I'm postpurim stage and it will take some time for me to settle down. I still play games and make time with my kids But my kids are acting out like never before. Answering me back and making me feel like I'm the worst mom ever. Everyday is easier than shabbos . Shabbos is very hard to please everyone . This past shabbos I was left feeling like trash in the house and I felt like locking myself up and never come out.

I was thinking to leave a letter , a note or something ( if kid is mature enough ) and write to them how I feel and still show my love and what is expected. This usually has helped in the past for me .

amother

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 7:57 am

Wow that sounds more stressful than my weekend Sad

One thing I want to comment on in your post is that at least with my kids, as obsessed as they are with the baby, it is a huge adjustment. One of my kids is very expressive about her feelings and she’s told me straight out that she prefers it the way things were before the baby, even though she was so excited about this baby, and she hugs and kisses him up every second she’s home. So even if they are thrilled with baby, keep in mind that it still is a big adjustment.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 7:58 am

Me three! No answers here, just Sam situation.

One of my kids is just 3 but she really drags her feet when asked to do something. On one hand, 3 is so young, maybe I should be as patient as possible. On the other hand they say pick your battles -- if it's an issue they might take to the chuppa then fight it -- and foot dragging is something that adults do to, so maybe I need to be less lenient. Idk.

behappy2

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 8:07 am

I have an opinion on this. I think Hashem made it so that HUMANS are the parents and not robots. Bec humans have limits. And children need to learn that bec they will get married, have workmates, have kids too. They need to learn to be considerate and understanding of others. I'm not saying to yell or punish but IMO it's important for them to see that you aren't perfect, that you aren't God.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 8:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wow that sounds more stressful than my weekend Sad

May I ask you kindly if you can delete this quate cause I changed it ?

Nice that we can share our experiences...
It'll pass but I know the adjustment is hard!

amother

Pewter

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:58 am

I try as a mother to, on the one hand apologize if I've snapped or been grumpy, but also to have a simplicity, liteness & even when appropriate a sense of humor about it.

like maybe later on during a warmer moment, I might mention - "gee, sorry, I was so grumpy this morning, *"it's not because of you"*.

if there's something they need to improve upon, I'll point out that that's a separate matter, that they shouldn't feel like they're causing me to be grumpy.

Kids are usually more go with the flow because they're less set in their ways. It's good to try & be a patient warm mother, that's a milah, Ahavas Israel includes family Smile

, but I think it's really good, important & healthy that a home can have a tolerance, normalcy & bouyancy to fit in our humaness in a loving environment.

In more heart to heart conversations, I'll even share how sometimes 'Abba & Ima get frustrated at each other, and that's okay, we all get frustrated sometimes, & we try as best as we can to apologize & sometimes we joke about", it's really nice to have that warmth & acceptance.