Making a Simcha....Relative refuses to get haircut!

amother

Peach

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 10:42 am

I'm not going to justify, or vilify, his decision.

But when I go to a store, even when not social distancing, I'm still several feet away from other shoppers. Same at a simcha.

But getting your hair cut, the person needs to be right on top of you, to cut properly. I know plenty of people who are not comfortable with this, including my father (who purchased his own clippers).

As Elsa said, let it go. If he will appear in a portrait, and it really bothers you, pay a little extra and photo shop a more controlled style.

amother

Wheat

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 11:45 am

I think if it were me, I would feel like OP does.

Relative or not, he is embarrassing baal hasimcha and if you shell out for the photographer, you want people to look good.

Especially if the reason is so crazy.

Anyone with a negative corona test can come over and give this relative a hair cut. His family members can do a simple cut themselves.

I would try to negotiate it, or they won't be in the pictures.

amother

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 11:52 am

OP here: Thanks for all the replies!

For the record: I have not said one negative word to the person about it. Only to ask if the person wanted to take part in the hair dresser we have (which this person has done pre-Covid. So, nothing out of the ordinary in terms of asking!)

The person IS scared of Covid. The person is still taking every precaution as if not vaccinated. (Like, wiping off doorknobs, groceries and mail ) I'm actually surprised the person is coming to the simcha, but I know 100% the person wouldn't want to miss it.

I feel worse for the person because I know this person is feeling self conscious, but is just stuck being nervous.

But I've said nothing to make this person feel bad at all.

amother

Coffee

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 11:54 am

Clearly this is your show and not about the actual simcha, menchlichness, middot, or anything else. If he can’t conform to your wishes for you show, s/he has no business being any part of it. Heck, I would seriously consider cutting them out of your life entirely not only now, but moving forward, future hair cut or not.

amother

Broom

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 11:54 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

See if you can arrange a home visit with a barber, someone who will adhere to all guidelines of covid restrictions I.e. mask, gloves, clean the equipment, etc.

amother

Jean

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 12:00 pm

OP, if that's the case, I'd check what this person's plan is for pictures. Because you can go to a simchah and sit or stand on the side and not eat within six feet of people. But pictures are very close. They may say a complete no, or be willing to take a couple of quick ones where they hurry into and out of the frame and that's it.

(If this person is OK with the pictures because they are close relatives who are next to them, you can offer a haircut by someone in your family.)

amother

Ghostwhite

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 4:29 pm

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

You are being sarcastic, right?

amother

Violet

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 7:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My family is making a simcha soon.
We have a relative who due to Covid concerns is absolutely refusing to get a haircut. Relative is fully vaccinated and does shopping and other things, but will not get a haircut.
This relative will be in pictures and will be a prominent feature at the simcha itself.
Relative hasn't gotten a haircut since February 2020.
The hair itself is so long and shaggy looking and, honestly, just gross.
My child who's simcha it is doesn't even want this person in pictures (I totally understand) and is feeling really embarrassed that this person has a role where the long hair will be seen by everyone! If it were just long and nice looking, that would be one thing, however it's so wild and scraggly and all over the place.
I even offered that our hair person could help out. Relative refused!!!
Please help!

Tell them it’s either they get a haircut or won’t be in pics. And stick to it.

amother

Alyssum

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 7:35 pm

amother [ Offwhite ] wrote:

Is this post a joke?

You don’t get to tell a guest how they should look!

This must be a joke because your attitude is ridiculous

I really don’t understand imamother. I posted last month how I was annoyed my SIL wanted my son to wear something specific to her wedding and I was told as the bride she has the say. Now, op is posting something as the baal as Simcha and suddenly she had no say in what her guests can wear… 🤔

Elfrida

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 7:48 pm

amother [ Alyssum ] wrote:

I remember that thread. The bride wanted your three year old child to wear a specific outfit which was not to your taste, and you compromised on him wearing it only for the chuppah when he would be part of the wedding procession so as not to spoil her dream of how her wedding would look. If I remember correctly, you were very inclined to change him into your choice of outfit for the photos.

Here we don't know what the simcha is, how the relation will be involved, or what the relationship is. The relation will probably not be part of a wedding procession. The OP has been very reticent about the details, but most people are assuming the relation is male, and probably older. The OP is unhappy with a particular part of his personal grooming and how it will appear in photos.

Asking a child to wear a certain outfit for a brief period against your wishes is very different to asking an older man to maje a long term change in his personal appearance. Whether it is logical or not, this person has a well founded fear of the risks involved in getting a hair cut.

The OP here is specifically concerned about how the photos will look, while you planned to change your child into your choice of outfit, so the photos would look the way you wanted.

I don't think the two cases are really comparable.

amother

Pear

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:24 am

watergirl wrote:

My father in law refuses to cut his hair and says it is also due to covid. Initially he was terrified to leave his house or let anyone else and he would not let my mother in law cut it. Now that he is fully vaccinated, he is still "not ready" and says he is waiting for covid to really be gone. He has not cut his hair since March 2020 and it is absurdly long and he sometimes wears it in a ponytail. He and my mother in law really lost their sense of normalcy during all of this and are really sad examples of what isolation and anxiety can do to you if not treated. They made themselves very comfortable in their home and are just now starting to venture out... just not to the barber. Too close for his comfort.

Thanks for trying to explain but I still don't see the connection to covid? meaning if he's living with his wife the whole time what could be the problem with her cutting his hair?
but I get what you mean about the effects...I know many people like that who have really changed due to covid..like emotionally changed...

Notsobusy

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:36 am

amother [ Alyssum ] wrote:

If your sil would have posted your story from her perspective, saying that you really don't like the outfit, can she force you to have your kid wear it anyhow, I think most posters would have told her to let you choose your sons outfit.

We women are giving the best advice possible for the person asking. I think your sil was wrong, she should have asked you much earlier, and if you agreed then she should have let you choose the tux with her, so it suits both your tastes. But she didnt ask us, you did, so we gave you the best advice under the circumstances, which is to do what she wants to keep the peace.

Same here. If the relative with the long hair was asking, he would be getting a lot of advice about how to get a haircut with the least amount of risk. And why it would be nicer to get a haircut before the simcha.

But op is asking, so she is getting advice on how mind her own business and keep the peace.