Please help me stop yelling at my children

amother

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 7:31 pm

My eyes are tearing up as I write this, I am sad that I have reached this point.

By nature, I am a very calm and relaxed person. I'm also disorganized (part of the personality) and I think this contributes somewhat to the household not running as smoothly as it should.

My kids range in age from 2-6. Recently, I have really started to lose it with my kids. They fight a lot, break each other's projects/prizes etc, then hurt each other, and make tons of mess. All within normal and healthy range BH.

I used to be calmer with them, but recently (probably over the past year), I have been yelling a lot. Last night, I was doing bedtime with one and another was pouring juice all over the floor. I starting screaming at the top of my lungs like an uncontrollable crazy person (without words). My throat hurt a lot after. I am very busy with work and home responsibilities, also pregnant and am tired a lot, which I am sure contributes to this.

I'm really not looking for sympathy or validation for the yelling. It is wrong, ineffective, and destructive. I am hoping you all can share some methods that I can use to work on myself in this area.

amother

Tan

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 7:52 pm

I'm sorry it's so hard for you Hug

Your OP deserves a longer answer, but in the spirit of the previous post, I would recommend drinking powerade/gatorade to make sure you're hydrated, taking deep belly breaths throughout the day, and if you can, listen to hypnosis tracks at night when going to bed. Hypnobirthing and hypnobabies are both programs for labor, but they also have tremendous calming benefits. Or else you can search for hypnosis tracks wherever you normally get your audio.

amother

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 7:59 pm

Good suggestions, thank you. I don't have the energy /motivation to take care of myself properly. I don't know why. But staying hydrated is a good place to start.

I get 7-8 hours of sleep nightly but I'm still exhausted constantly. I think there's also a caffeine withdrawal towards the afternoons (I drink coffee in the morning which helps me focus at work).

I can't hire a girl because I'm embarrassed at the state of my house... Cleaning lady comes on Thursdays bless her heart. By Shabbos... You would faint if you walked in here. I try to clean up as much as I can but I'm often to lazy to put in more than an hr or so, and it barely makes a dent.

amother

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 8:03 pm

I once tried to nap (last week) when I had 20 mins before I had to leave for carpool. I set an alarm. Slept through the alarm. Next thing I knew, it was 45 mins later and I woke up to school calling repeatedly Sad

And I didn't feel refreshed

amother

Tan

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 8:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Pregnancy is very hard on your body, and that's besides for all the hormones. Cut yourself some slack, you can't do everything. Exhaustion is par for the course.

If you are concerned about moodiness, prenatal depression is a real thing and treatment can help.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 8:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP, you are using lots of negative self talk in your posts. You're pregnant for goodness' sake. I think that's a perfectly valid explanation for constant fatigue, hormones, sluggishness and feeling extra stress (or am only I special that way??)

If you can focus on feeding yourself kind messages you won't feel as horrible.

amother

Clover

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 8:16 pm

OP, your body is growing a human being. That's an enormous undertaking. This is the time to get help, you are yelling because you are pouring from an empty cup. Please get yourself a chessed girl and try to get more cleaning help, this is the kind of thing to stretch the budget for. No amount of self control will take the place of self care, you need to meet your needs properly to be able to meet the needs of your children.
Making sure to eat, drink, sleep, rest and take your vitamins will also help. But the real change will come when you accept that you need help now and take whatever you can get.

amother

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 8:28 pm

I agree, I think I might be depressed... More cleaning help is too expensive and also hard to pull off as it creates a yichud issue for dh who works from home.

to the above commenter- I know that I'm being too hard on myself, but I am looking for positive methods to help me stop yelling.

amother

Tan

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 8:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And why does your house have to be clean before a girl can come watch your children?

amother

Nasturtium

Mon, Jun 14 2021, 8:36 pm

Hugs Op.
bdtd wish I can share all Ive learned. Still on the journey.
One lesson - you cant stop the behavior. You need to find the trigger and replace with another response.
Its not “stop yelling”. Its when xyz happens I yell, what can I do instead. ..:
And when you do the replacement behavior. Celebrate. Even if its one out of 10.

And self care is vital. Even if it seems ridiculous to you.
Hope you can find irl support
Young girls see the mess is fine.

amother

Blue

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:59 am

Long term game plan is understanding triggers and responding to them. A parenting course would be helpful.

When you start getting heated, talk out loud. This is good modeling for the kids. My heart is racing and I'm starting to feel angry. I'm going to take a deep breath. Who can count for mommy while I breathe. I don't want to yell. I feel myself starting to yell and I don't want to so I am going into the other room for a mommy time out.

After yelling, repair. I'm sorry I yelled at you. You're a good kid. It's not your fault. Mommy has a lot going on (don't blame the fetus)

Short term is filling your cup as has been mentioned.