Do I ask my kids for money?

amother

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 12:46 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

Unless you bought your house for over a million, the mortgage can't be too big if you need to buy off his half.
Mortgage payments for 30 years would come out at around $2500 a month including taxes. (I'm calculating $12K taxes a year so add a little more if taxes are a bit higher.)
Consult with a mortgage broker to see if you really can't afford it.

The amount I can borrow depends on my income not on how many years of payback

amother

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 12:48 pm

watergirl wrote:

OP, first, hugs. I have been divorced and am in a great facebook group where the house issue is a common topic.

Second, what country are you in? And do you have a legal divorce agreement which states what must happen with your shared assets (ie your marital home)? Typically, there is an order in which one of these things happen:

- Husband buys the wife out of her share and he keeps the house and has to take out a new mortgage for which he is solely responsible.

- Wife buys the husband out of his share and she keeps the house and has to take out a new mortgage for which she is solely responsible. .

- House is sold and proceeds are split, husband and wife have to each find a new place to live and must make their own payments on the new place.

In my experience, most common is the last option; in divorce, both parties typically lose out on the previously enjoyed life style and have to make changes. Most people on a single income can not sustain a mortgage on their own. Sometimes, the court allows the wife to live in the marital home until the minor children are 18 or 21 but she has to pay the mortgage on her own. I've also heard of cases where the husband is ordered to vacate the home but continue to pay a portion of the mortgage for a few years, like 3, as a transition period for the wife, if there are minor children.

In most situations if there are adult children living in the house, they lose out the most because no one is ordered to support them and why should anyone; they are adults now.

I know it is not easy or comfortable. An understanding of the laws and your particular order would help you and us to give you the best input.

Which fb group is it??

We are not newly divorced and we never sorted the financial side of things as there isn't much besides the home. Then noone was over 18, now some are....

watergirl

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 1:05 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Which fb group is it??

We are not newly divorced and we never sorted the financial side of things as there isn't much besides the home. Then noone was over 18, now some are....

It’s a hidden group. You can’t search for it.

It’s time to sort out the home legally. He cant just decide and thats that. Has he been paying half the mortgage all this time?

amother

Viola

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 1:07 pm

watergirl wrote:

It’s a hidden group. You can’t search for it.

It’s time to sort out the home legally. He cant just decide and thats that. Has he been paying half the mortgage all this time?

it's his kids too and the courts will hopefully recognize that the kids need somewhere to live. especially if not all are over 18.
please fight for your home!! please don't sell and move!

watergirl

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 1:37 pm

amother [ Viola ] wrote:

it's his kids too and the courts will hopefully recognize that the kids need somewhere to live. especially if not all are over 18.
please fight for your home!! please don't sell and move!

Yes of course courts recognize the kids need somewhere to live, but adult children are not the courts concern, not should they be. And I am someone who has a soon to be 18 year old and my ex will soon stop paying CS and thats just how it is, so I get it. While the court requires the kids to each have a bed, they are not required to have their own room (ie they can share a room), they are not required to have a spacious home, etc. Many of us have squished into small apartments because it is what we could afford. Owning a home is not a right. He has to pay his part in child support, but that was never intended to fully support the children. This is just one of the things we live with when we get divorced. I am being blunt, but truthful.

For you to advise OP not to sell and not to move and to fight is advising her to start a legal battle that she may or may not be able to pay for and to fight a battle she may or may not win. Half of the house is her ex's, he also has rights. That is why these things are best taken care of legally, which is what I was advising OP to do. Where she lives (country and state) will change matters of course.

OP, I really recommend you seek legal council asap and find out what you are entitled to. You may come out on top!

amother

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 5:59 pm

watergirl wrote:

It’s a hidden group. You can’t search for it.

It’s time to sort out the home legally. He cant just decide and thats that. Has he been paying half the mortgage all this time?

Yes it's certainly time to sort it out, the sooner we can do a clean break the better. ....and I realise that whenever we would do it it would cause, discomfort, stress etc....

watergirl

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 6:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes it's certainly time to sort it out, the sooner we can do a clean break the better. ....and I realise that whenever we would do it it would cause, discomfort, stress etc....

It will. But gam ze yaavor. I daven for you that you will have menuchas hanefesh and a clear mind and that Hashem sends the right shaliach to be with you.

amother

Obsidian

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 7:12 pm

If you choose to go the route of your adult children contributing to the monthly payments remember when they move out you will still be liable for the entire payment.

amother

Magnolia

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 7:56 pm

Just to chime in, I probably will repeat what others here have said too:

1. I don’t think it’s fair to put the kids in the middle by asking them to contribute, or which option they’d prefer. By giving them the choice it makes it that they are responsible for either decision, either for making you give up your home or committing part of their incomes to help you keep it, which won’t last. The situation will be stressful enough for them in either case and I don’t think they should be given a choice and add to that stress.

2. It is not long term. Even if a few of your kids chip in, it is not going to last. They will get married and move out and will not always be able to help support you. So even if this is the route you take, it’s just pushing off the inevitable while also preventing them from saving up for their own lives like getting married and moving out.

3. Even if they were to chip in, this wouldn’t help you get approved for a mortgage. Being able to make the payments after your approved doesn’t mean you’ll get approved to begin with. You will only have your income to show, not theirs, so it won’t matter, you will only get approved for what your income would allow you to pay. I’ve tried to get a mortgage in the past where my income was too low, but my father was going to make the majority of my payments each month. They would not approve it unless he co-signed. Unless your kids are going to co-sign your mortgage to add to the official income, it won’t change anything. Besides, a bank would anyways consider the fact that your adult kids will not live with you forever. If they aren’t on the mortgage then they aren’t personally responsible and have no obligation to help you with payments, legally.

4. Is your other option to buy a new smaller home that they can’t live in? Or just not spacious enough to be super comfortable? Maybe you can rent somewhere in the meantime and ask your kids to chip in for that, to have somewhere a little bigger and let them have more space. This way there’s no obligation on their end and once they move out you can switch to something smaller without all the hassle of owning the house.

5. Just from my own personal experience.. my parents were divorced when I was very young and always put us in the middle financially. Separately, one of my parents went through a financial hardship where I was asked to loan money and chip in for things. I did it out of love and not wanting to see my parent suffer, and how could I say no when I was able to help? I really regret this, it has caused me so much resentment and stress. And I had some financial hardships of my own and wasn’t able to get out of paying some of their expenses even though it was extremely difficult for me and put me in debt, because I made a commitment and without my contribution they would have been in a lot of trouble. Honestly our relationship has never been the same since then..

Please take my advice and do not ask your children to help pay your bills. I think it will most likely end in disaster and It’s not fair to put them in that position.