Brother’s Shabbos Sheva brachos - what do you do

amother

Sienna

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 11:45 am

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

Right and throwing away the rest of your family. And then if you ever need them you expect them to jump right in. Sorry you actually sounding quite selfish

That's your opinion, not an objective fact.

Maybe OP thinks it's selfish to drag kids away for Shabbos after an already off-schedule week where she knows they won't sleep and will be forced to sit quietly through long, adult-focused meals instead of enjoying the comfort of their own home, family, bed and schedule.

Who's to say who's the selfish one here?

Fox

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 1:47 pm

Here's an idea for those of you who claim that attending Shabbos Sheva Brochos is part of making family a "priority":

Instead of foisting the expense of your family reunion onto the kallah's family, find a resort that can offer kosher catering and book as many rooms as you need for the ganza michpacha. Bring toys, babysitters, and whatever else is needed to make a nice Shabbaton for everyone. Maybe do it annually on a specific Shabbos.

Too expensive? Then maybe family isn't your priority unless someone else is paying the tab.

amother

Dahlia

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:02 pm

Fox wrote:

I don't know how you get from this thread that anyone is expecting the kallahs side to host their family reunion. We're not foisting the expense on the kallahs family nor are we asking to be invited with our kids. We're not looking to make a family reunion either. Not everyone invites the chassons siblings. But if the chassons siblings are invited, it's nice to make an effort to go.

Fox

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:05 pm

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

Maybe I'm naive as I'm not yet up to that stage, but you can't let your friends and family dictate who needs to be invited. I don't get this concept of people "expecting" to be invited. The only people who "need" to be invited are the kallah's family- kallah's siblings and their spouses, kallah's nieces and nephews if applicable, grandparents, aunts and uncles (their children are not a must!), and great aunts and uncles. The chassan's side- parents, grandparents, and siblings (no nieces and nephews).

Here's the problem: when you're making a bar mitzvah or kiddush, YOU are completely in charge. When you're making a chassunah and Sheva Brochos, you have mechutanim to consider.

We were told by the mechutanim of one of our DDs that they would be bringing 52 people for Shabbos Sheva Brochos. So much for doing it at home!

There was no budging because some of the 52 people hadn't all been together in years and it would give their mother such nachas, etc.

In the end, we had the immediate family there, and the kallah was able to have 2 friends. We simply couldn't afford a large enough venue to accommodate the 52 mandatory guests along with a dozen of our own guests.

To say that the whole thing left a bad taste in our mouths is an understatement. It also left a bad taste in my DD's mouth as she watched her in-laws-to-be maneuver to make her Shabbos Sheva Brochos into their own family party.

I should note that everyone gets along now, but it has required a lot of effort to get past borrowing an additional $5K so that someone else could make their family a priority.

amother

Dahlia

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:12 pm

Fox wrote:

What you're describing is really not typical and it's out of the ordinary. The kallah side does shabbos sheva brachos and they invite whoever they wish.

Fox

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:14 pm

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

I guess from all the posts saying that having all siblings at Shabbos Sheva Brochos is the "done" thing in their communities and others claiming that jumping through hoops to attend Shabbos Sheva Brochos is how one makes family a priority.

If the question is whether it's "done" for married siblings or those living elsewhere to attend not only the chassunah but stay for Shabbos Sheva Brochos, then it shouldn't be "done." It's not some helige minhag.

If the point is promoting family as a priority, then there are many far better and more fair ways to do so.

Fox

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:18 pm

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

What you're describing is really not typical and it's out of the ordinary. The kallah side does shabbos sheva brachos and they invite whoever they wish.

I'd like to take your word for it, but I've heard this complaint from too many of my cohort to conclude that our situation was unique.

However, I will say that our other DD's mechutanim were quite lovely and didn't hijack the event. We had their Shabbos Sheva Brochos at home.

amother

Thistle

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:21 pm

Fox wrote:

Finally someone gets my family.

I generally make an effort to do what’s “done” in my in laws family and circles. But there were times I didn’t. And I don’t feel bad. There are too many unrealistic expectations on us all in the name of “family first”, that I cannot bow to their every wish. By now I only do what won’t cause too much damage to my sanity, even if that includes “accepted” things.
I treat them with respect and am always kind to them. But the “family first” is abused and used as a tool, and I therefore can no longer put them first.

amother

Petunia

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:35 pm

Fox wrote:

When my sister got married her in laws really wanted their extended family to spend shabbos together and a shabbos like that would have cost a lot more than my mother wanted to spend. So the mechutanim chipped financially and also everyone helped cook.

amother

Blonde

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 7:54 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What do you do for your brother’s Shabbos Sheva brachos If you have young kids and it’s out of town in a city you don’t know anyone in?

If the kallah family offers to find a host do you go even though it will be unfamiliar and very hard with the kids? Or do you not to bec youre exhausted from the wedding?

On that note, what about the aufruf- we can’t stay at my parents bec they have no room, and there’s no eiruv to walk with the kids. I’d honestly be nervous about doing the walk myself without any water to drink.

I only go if it will be simcha for me Smile

I am the youngest with many siblings from both sides marrying off. they each have their rules about whom and when and why they invited. I found myself jumping around and placing my kids every few weeks. until I stopped, I made my own rules.
I got for either the Lchayim or the Tenoyim. I go for shabbos if I am invited with my children and if they give me a place to stay. also only if it works for me. I go for one sheva bruchos, usually the parents not the siblings...

I realized that when IYH I will be marrying off my children they will have their own simchas, a upsherin and vactnacht of their einikel will always trump my simchas and so it should be. then I thought, I also have a life now. just like they will have an excuse then, I have an excuse now. IT'S NOT TIT FOR TAT but if they'll have an excuse, raising children is definitely an excuse. don't forget I don't have younger siblings or teenagers to help me

what irritates me is when I am "required" to come on the baal simchas terms without taking me into consideration and then guilting me aobut why I didn't come..

amother

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 7:56 pm

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

I only go if it will be simcha for me Smile

Great line- your first sentence! Your attitude in general is refreshing to me

ecs

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:03 pm

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

I only go if it will be simcha for me Smile

I love your approach! I'm the youngest as well and there is so much I do for my siblings that I know no one will ever do for me! So far I've always participated because it really gives my mom pleasure and also because my siblings always provide a place to stay and are pretty flexible about me bringing kids along, but it really can get a bit much.

ecs

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:05 pm

Fox wrote:

Fox, how come the mechutunim didn't invite the 52 people to the aufruf instead? That's what people would do in my circles.

Fox

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 1:32 am

ecs wrote:

Fox, how come the mechutunim didn't invite the 52 people to the aufruf instead? That's what people would do in my circles.

Two of the mechutan's brothers were coming with their wives from abroad. One of the couples missed the chassunah but came in time for Shabbos Sheva Brochos. Apparently it was the first time in many years that our mechutan and his siblings were all together, and they wanted to make it a wonderful experience for their mother.

Their motivations were good -- who wants to deprive an elderly woman of seeing all her children together? But it was enormously frustrating for us and for our DD, who found her Shabbos Sheva Brochos upstaged by a family reunion.

Perhaps this experience soured me on the idea of Sheva Brochos attendance being considered mandatory for family members who attended the chassunah. But we hear so much about reining in the cost of chassunahs, and this is an easy place to start. When the number of people who must be invited exceeds what a typical home can accommodate, it's time to scale back. And it's a pretty good bet that some of those invitees, like the OP, will breathe a sigh of relief that they're excused from auxiliary festivities.

Fox

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 1:37 am

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

I only go if it will be simcha for me Smile

The perfect approach! It's nice to be invited, and it's nice to go and increase the simcha. But sometimes it's nice to say, "I'd love to join you but I'm afraid I won't be able to make it."

ecs

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 1:40 am

Fox wrote:

I understand their wanting to make the family reunion but frankly they should have offered to pay for their extra guests.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 2:15 am

My inlaws put us up whenever we go and it is so annoying. The kids are crying in someone else's house....the back and forth in the nasty weather....it just isnt always worth it.

And going to a town you have never been to for shabbos and staying in a stranger's home (where you dont know what kind of accomadations you will have) is also stressful.

Can you send DH to the aufruf. Then for the sheva brachos, put the kids up by someone in your hometown, and go just with DH? Can you figure something out for 1 and not the other? (Ask the parents which one they would rather you be by)

Can you possibly ask a rav about the water on the walk with no eiruv? Maybe he will tell you that since it is for your health, there are solutions like a small child holding the water etc.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 4:06 am

Fox wrote:

The perfect approach! It's nice to be invited, and it's nice to go and increase the simcha. But sometimes it's nice to say, "I'd love to join you but I'm afraid I won't be able to make it."

Love your approach. What about guests who think they "must" come for a simcha. They think they need to come from israel to stay by me for a bar mitzva for a week. How do I tell them don't come! I want a small simcha but they expect a whole party,