Betrayal to first when having a second.

amother

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 11:56 am

I'm at crossroads in my life now. I LOVED my birth and am really looking forward to having another baby. I love being pregnant, as it relieves my autoimmune issues and love the repurposed belly. My first baby is 8 months old and I'm just so torn because of what having another baby can do to her.
I've seen two threads here recently talking about the oldest feeling betrayed and distancing themselves from mom because of the new baby. It doesn't seem like age is a factor but I know a woman who has Irish twins and she absolutely thinks her firstborn was traumatized for life. I want another baby but don't.

Can anyone give me tips and/or advice on how to prepare my baby for a sibling and if spacing really makes a difference?

(To be clear this post is just about davening for another child, because atm I'm not on BC, but I kind of push off mikvah by not taking the protocol to get clean sooner and as my periods are close I probably miss ovulation each month. I am considering going on BC if age is really a factor. So torn.)

amother

Cognac

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:01 pm

Idk about raising them because I only have 1, but don't let ima threads put you off. Some kids have more issues than others. The op of one thread did kimpturin or had someone else take her oldest for a bit which could have contributed.

I'm the second sibling of 3 under 3 and although my parents were completely dysfunctional I always loved my siblings. I wish I could give that to my baby but I simply am not cut out for that. I think others do a great job at it.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:01 pm

Yes, spacing makes a difference. The Irish twin story is interesting but usually little ones don't remember life before having a sibling. They soon accept their new reality. They might even ignore the new sibling at first, finding them not worthy of notice.

My first gap was small so I didn't do anything to prepare my kid, knowing the comprehension wouldn't be there anyway. They absolutely adore each other. I think starting with a small gap was nice because no one really knows what it's like to have no siblings.

But all kids are individuals too. There's no magical age gap or number of children that is guaranteed to make everyone the most healthy and happy, unfortunately.

Zehava

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:04 pm

Spacing for me is mostly for myself. I also personally think that each child should get their own chance at babyhood. That said, if both childrens needs are met, then I don’t think having a sibling close in age will damage them. If their personalities mesh well they can be the best of friends.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:07 pm

IMHO it’s less about the gap and more about if you let the older child stay a baby. I don’t think it’s fair to expect a baby to grow up faster just because they have a younger sibling.

For example I tandem nurse for this reason, the older one just for comfort and the infant for nutrition. But this way the toddler doesn’t feel displaced.

I also use my mother’s trick of calling the baby “your baby.” B”H I have a large family and very little sibling rivalry… with the babies at least! Wink

amother

Stone

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:32 pm

Totally don't think its a betrayal. I have a 28 month and a 12 month baby, they love each other and play with each other all day.
When my second was born I made sure to give extra attention and I did notice that she was acting more babyish then normal but I totally gave her the space to act like that becasue she needed the attention.

I think its such a good gift to have siblings close in age; my older learned to share, they learn life's not about instant gratification (if I need to make one a bottle I cant give the the other what she wants at that second) and overall learn to be more flexible around other kids, and people.

I also notice that I gave my kids more hugs and kisses and attention , then some people that have only one kid-it totally depends on the person.

amother

Peony

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:39 pm

My father is an only child. He wished for a sibling his whole life, and would've given anything to have one. When his father died, he found out that he actually had a brother that was born 9 years before him, and was niftar at 6 months. he has mourned that brother he never met ever since-he never really got over finding that out. (it's been close to 30 years years)
siblings are the best gift we can give our kids!

amother

Latte

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just want to do it the healthiest way possible.

What is your concern?
About your baby?
Getting pregnant too soon?
Your body?

Youve listen hypotheticals. What if your baby feels betrayed etc. Betrayal is a complex emotion that babies will not experience. If you feel ready physically and emotionally to get pregnant again, think about how to involve your baby in the experience when the time comes

amother

Melon

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:45 pm

My kids are 2.5 years apart. My oldest loves her little sister and has since the day she was born.
Some things we did:
All major life changes (move, going to daycare in the summer) began before baby arrived.
We read lots of books on the positives of being a big sister. (let me know if you want my reading list)
After baby came home from hospital, we greeted big sis with baby in her carseat not there and then went to meet baby together.
Baby "bought" big sis a present (toy kitchen).
For the first few weeks we never told big sis she had to wait for baby to finish or baby was more important. If toddler wanted, it happened. Often someone else w9uld get her the book, but she got it. After a month or so we started teaching sharing and patience again.

Rutabaga

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:57 pm

It's very difficult to predict how things will go. Babies adapt more easily than toddlers but it's much harder to juggle 2 in diapers who need to be held and nap and be fed and are still waking up at night but are on different schedules. It's also hard to deal with a jealous toddler when you have a newborn even if that toddler already sleeps through the night and is toilet trained and out at playgroup part of the day. Older kids understand much more but can still resent the attention that the baby gets when they still need attention themselves. There's no guaranteed time to add a new baby to the family that will work best for everyone. You just have to do your best.

amother

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 12:58 pm

amother [ Latte ] wrote:

My primary concern is my baby.

If a baby can't look at his mother and won't go to her after she has a baby, then what is he feeling? You can say it's not betrayal, but he definitely has some sort of beef with his mom.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 1:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Not separating the baby from the mother will probably prevent this. If you have a hospital birth go home as soon as possible, video call with the baby while you are away, don’t disappear for a long time and reappear with a baby you are protective of.

amother

Trillium

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 1:07 pm

amother [ Melon ] wrote:

Not op but would can you please post your reading list, iyH will have a similar age gap

amother

Oak

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 1:09 pm

My oldest was 4 years old when my second child was born. The jealousy was intense and he hit her constantly until she was around 2 years old. When my 3rd was born, my middle child was only almost 3 and there was seemingly no jealousy at all.
I did nothing different in terms of parenting and I made sure to give my oldest much more attention than his baby sister etc
The difference between the way my oldest handled a baby and my middle, is their personalities.
And before the babies were born, I was sure my 4 year old would be fine as he was so excited for it, and I was sure my almost 3 year old would be so difficult because she’s a bit of a baby herself.
However I was totally wrong. I learnt that HaShem will make each child go through the exact amount of tribulations and suffering that they need to go through. This is not something we can control.
There are so many factors about whether it’s the responsible thing to do, perhaps discuss with a Rav?

StrongMomma

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 1:17 pm

My two delicious daughters are just over a year apart, and they absolutely love each other. They make each other laugh like no one else can. They’re both under 2 now so I’m waiting for my own sake, but I’m dying to have another one and I think it’s the biggest gift I can give them.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 1:30 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just want to do it the healthiest way possible.

I think the experts recommend a three year gap as most ideal. I didn’t wait that long but I waited at least a year to start trying each time.

amother

Snow

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 1:31 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

I think the experts recommend a three year gap as most ideal. I didn’t wait that long but I waited at least a year to start trying each time.

I have that and am very very happy

amother

Phlox

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 1:49 pm

I think all kids at all stages whenever they get a new sibling will react differently. The younger a kid is the easier the change can be and the better they may adjust to it
My 2 year old hits my baby all the time but its just a phase and it'll pass (hopefully soon!)