I named my baby...

amother

DarkViolet

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:02 pm

amother [ Holly ] wrote:

IMHO you shouldn’t have given the name at all if you weren’t going to use it.

Why?
I had to add a name bec person I was naming after died young and call my daughter by 1 name because I dont want to ise
Two names and want to use name after grandmother

amother

Crystal

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 3:12 pm

I recently gave birth to a baby girl after three boys. For more than a decade I had the girl's name in mind. I would name after my maternal grandmother (something like Chana Miriam) but call her by the second name, which I love. I didn't like the first name (Chana) so I didn't plan to call her that even though my grandmother was called that.

Well, when the baby was named, my mother was so emotional and so happy. I totally underestimated her reaction. I had no clue how meaningful it would be to her. The way she held the baby and said her name, it's something I can't explain.

The weeks past by and I was so conflicted. I spoke to my Rav who advised that we use at least the first name if we can. So I did. I now call her by the first name. And I got used to it! I am happy to provide a nechama to my mother after all she has done for me.

amother

SandyBrown

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 3:53 pm

this is such a sensitive matter. we're talking about emotional moms who went thru pregnancy and birth and then parents that lost parents. both deserve consideration.

I wonder if the previous generation or the one before, the one judging or demanding now, didn't have the same feelings when they were the new parents....

also, I think the parents that will get mad and yell, accuse, ignore, shut out family that doesn't do their wishes are the ones we shouldnt feel we have to accommodate. Unless YOU decide it's worth it.

when a parent is kind, understanding, patient, giving then they make us want to please them. the ones that are threatening and terrorizing are the ones that do not deserve to be taken into account.
my not so humble opinion.

amother

Magenta

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 4:04 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

I did not name my children’s names out of obligation. I did name one child a name I don’t like, I added a name and call by the added name, but it wasn’t a direct grandparent.

It’s not the comfort that comes from adding a name. I’m referring to the ones naming the name, everyone can and does do whatever they want and no one says anything ever. I just think it’s disrespectful to go a few generations back when you have a recently deceased grandfather that’s your parents parent and you completely pass over it.

But what if it wasn’t disrespectful? What if there was a reason why they couldn’t use that name, and you just aren’t privy to that info? What if there is a parent or grandparent or other living relative with that name? What if the grandchild didn’t have a good relationship with the grandparent? What if the name is a terrible name association for one of the parents? (We had that issue with one of the names we discussed for one of our children.) As someone else said, there could be any of 100 reasons why they didn’t give your fathers name, and none of them are your business. If anything, I think YOU are being disrespectful by voicing your disappointment. Hopefully it is only here, and not in real life.

I don’t know when you lost your father, but as someone still reeling from the recent loss of mine, I know the pain firsthand. I hope you can find comfort.

amother

Magenta

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 4:10 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

Unless this is part of something bigger, what's the big deal of calling your kid by both names in the presence of your parents? Do they live together? How often does she see her parents with their kids?

With the child that we named after a grandparent, I specifically didn’t want that child being “one of a million in the family” I wanted that child to have their own identity. All the children with that name either go by the full name or by the same nickname as the others. My child does not get lost in the shuffle.
We have another child who has the first name of one of our grandparents, that child also goes by a different name/nickname that’ll the others names after the same grandparent.
Parents get to decide what they call their children, not their parents or siblings.

amother

Alyssum

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 4:58 pm

Such an emotional topic and if you look at it objectively everyone could be right or wrong.
We named our one and only DD with the Hebrew source name for his mother’s dimunitive Yiddish name in order to honor my father. We did not want to offend him and consulted him before we did it. He wasn’t thrilled but agreed . My grandmother was not a nice person at all and I did not want to name for her. Told DH to have the biblical character in mind when he named her. Dad was meh , but it was the best I could do at the time . Of course we did not tell him of our ruse.
Fast forward to my first grandsons bris , shortly after my father was nifter, and DD named the baby after my father. A very old fashioned not pretty (actually ugly sounding) name . A huge surge of comfort overcame me . My sisters and I all burst out crying and my mother sat there and glowed from happiness . I never ‘got it’ until that moment . When I thanked my daughter profusely she said - well I loved him too…
She didn’t do it for me , but I am forever grateful to her. Feel the same way about my other grandson named for him. It’s a comfort that I am grateful for , but it’s not their obligation nor is it my right to expect it.
BTW both boys are called by the common nickname for that name which my father never used and I couldn’t care less. Their name will be used for official Jewish purposes and that’s all I care about .

amother

Crimson

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 5:30 pm

amother [ SandyBrown ] wrote:

Yes, I am speaking as a young mother and as someone that lost a parent.

I too thought the way everyone else is thinking and then I lost my father and understand the feelings.

I would never say anything to anyone though, it’s just my own feelings.

My husband also doesn’t understand how much his father feels about names but I know when the day comes he will feel the same way.

amother

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:55 pm

amother [ Milk ] wrote:

Sorry, I'm going to stick out here. What's the big deal of calling him by both names when you're around them? I have this with 2 of my kids. We call them the second name but when my in-laws are around, we call by both. No big sweat. Maybe they shouldn't have asked but if they already did, why not make them happy?
(Also happens to be there is an inyan to call the child by both names from time to time so that it is a name they are really called by.)

I'm actually ok with that but my husbands claims it will be confusing for this child and my other children and that it's not a long term solution, so just set the boundaries now.

I'll add that I'm a people pleaser and when I feel so guilty about something, sometimes I just rather give in to the other person so they can be happy and put my own feelings aside. I know that's not healthy...

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We named our baby after a grandparent and added a name we like. We are calling the baby by the added name. My in-laws are really upset and we feel extremely guilty. They asked if we can please call our child by both names at least in their presence.

Do they have a right to demand this of us?

Is this a breach of Kibbud av va'em on our part?

What is the big deal to call by both names when you are by your parents?

It will not confuse your child or the siblings.

I disagree with your husband "No, let's make boundaries."

or the posters who egg you on:

"Put your foot down."

This is something that is VERY important to your parents so WHY HURT THEM?

Just to assert your independence?

Because you can?

amother

Rose

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:11 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Um because it’s her child?

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:25 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Um because it’s her child?

um, it's her PARENTS, who did more than she can ever repay.

So, what is the big deal about calling her child by BOTH names when by her
parents?

Your answer is: I'll HURT you because I CAN. Nah! Nah! Nah!

I am soooooo INDEPENDENT! Hurray for MEEEEEE!

amother

Firethorn

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:34 pm

I don't really get it. I wouldn't name my child a name that I'm not ok with them using. I could understand if you decided not to use the name but to name a name but then refuse to use it seems strange to me but I admit I probably just don't understand how it works in your circles.

I believe that there is an inyan that at least some people should call a child by their full name. Why not let the grandparents be the ones to call the child by the full name. They are just asking that they hear the child be called that name.

I would hope that the child will know that this is their full name and you can explain to the child and siblings that when you are calling someone all the time it's easier to use only one name but it makes bubby and zeidy very happy to hear this name so when we are around them we use it.

amother

Zinnia

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:35 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Right because that’s it. And after all this time you still mock and pretend you weren’t given enough information to know better.

amother

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:39 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

This has nothing to do with independence. I am not looking out to hurt them. In fact it bothers me very much that I hurt them. But I do think they are overstepping a boundary being that they are making me feel GUILTY. And yes there are other boundary issues with them. It's not just this.

amother

Rose

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:40 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Bestbubby, I honestly have a vast amount of pity for you and your children. You are so disconnected from reality

amother

Mintcream

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think you got plenty of support and opinions here so I won’t give that.

From a childs perspective- I have two names and am only called by the first (my parent had a very sick sister at the time with one of the names and really didn’t want to call by it, she died soon after I was born).

My grandmother and basically all the cousins from that side call me by both names. It has never been an issue and didn’t dawn on me that it should be… I go by my first name absolutely everywhere except there and it felt nice and fuzzy/ form of endearment almost when my grandmother used that name. I know it was meaningful to her and that she loved the name.

Interestingly, when I was going through a hard time in my life I went to a rebbe in ey for a bracha and he told me that when a child gets two names that’s the full koach of their name and you shouldn’t only use one everywhere. I started saying the pasuk in shmonei esrei for both my names.

I think it’s one of those things that’s becoming a power struggle, it’s so hard when it feels like the parents are asserting control over something they shouldn’t. But bottom line try a pros and cons for yourself, what will be the cost of making them happy? Will there be painful ramifications for you etc…

amother

Peach

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I disagree. I think you are being selfish.
It’s such a simple thing to call the kid a name that gives them nachas just in front of them.
I see some posters are of course telling you that you need boundaries… that’s typical Imamother selfish behaviour.
Honestly if you had a little bit of hakaras hatiov for what parents do for children, you can stretch yourself just a tiny bit and call the kid two names just in front of them.
Btw , I’m not a grandmother yet so I’m not on that side yet, I’m still young. But I’m disgusted by the selfishness and lack of middos by some posters here

amother

Rose

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:14 pm

OP, there are those that will not understand
But you are the mother. This is your child. Your choice of name. Do what works for you. You know your situation best.
I wouldn’t keep engaging here. You’re just bound to get hurt by bestbubby and all other righteous posters who have no idea what it’s like to be in your situation.

You just gave birth and don’t need this drama in your life. Log off and enjoy your baby no matter what you call it.