I named my baby...

amother

Zinnia

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:15 pm

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

I disagree. I think you are being selfish.
It’s such a simple thing to call the kid a name that gives them nachas just in front of them.
I see some posters are of course telling you that you need boundaries… that’s typical Imamother selfish behaviour.
Honestly if you had a little bit of hakaras hatiov for what parents do for children, you can stretch yourself just a tiny bit and call the kid two names just in front of them.
Btw , I’m not a grandmother yet so I’m not on that side yet, I’m still young. But I’m disgusted by the selfishness and lack of middos by some posters here

She’s the one being selfish??? How about the people who have zero rights to a name are being selfish? I’m disgusted by all adults that act this way and think everyone owes them everything.

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:17 pm

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

omg lol.....

amother

Peach

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:24 pm

amother [ Zinnia ] wrote:

She’s the one being selfish??? How about the people who have zero rights to a name are being selfish? I’m disgusted by all adults that act this way and think everyone owes them everything.

Nope. Like I said. I’m not a grandparent yet. I never told my own kids what to do, we’re not at that stage yet.
I’m not “demanding” anything.
I’m as disgusted as you. But from the selfishness of some people that can’t stretch themselves even a bit for others.
No ones saying to always call her kid the name she doesn’t like. It’s just in front of her in laws, to make them happy.
How hard is that for goodness sake? Is it so terrible to call tge kid two names every so often to make the people who birthed and raised your husband happy?
Can you see out of your little box of modern selfish values just a little. It won’t kill her to be nice to two elderly people who raised her husband

amother

Zinnia

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:31 pm

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

There is obviously so much more going on here mainly a boundary issue. And kids are not play things for old people! You don’t get to change their name. I can’t believe people don’t realize what they are demanding. Why do you get to do this to a kid? I don’t have modern views I have healthy views and I call out abusive and controlling behavior when I see it. I refuse to tolerate this nonsense any longer. Just because you are a parent does not give you rights to be selfish. It’s so twisted.

amother

Peach

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:56 pm

amother [ Zinnia ] wrote:

You think your views are healthy.
I think I’m a healthy happy person and have room in my heart to give happiness to others.
I don’t think making my elderly parents happy is them abusing me. I think it’s me being healthy enough to want to give back.
I see you as bitter and selfish. I think your need for boundaries and your calling a normal living giving of something so small for a parent “abuse” as very unhealthy. Maybe you were abused so you need to look at everything through an abuse lens.
I grew up with love and generosity on all sides b”h so I am overflowing with hakaras hatov and happily will give back to my elders.

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:59 pm

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

AMEN!

It's nice to see someone from the younger generation who has a DROP
of HAKORAS HATOV for parents and inlaws!

Applause

amother

Zinnia

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:08 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

It’s sad that you are so naive and don’t understand what the op is talking about.

amother

Peach

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:19 am

amother [ Zinnia ] wrote:

It’s sad that you are so naive and don’t understand what the op is talking about.

Why is it naive? Yes I grew up with loving parents, grandparents and siblings. We’re they perfect? No. Neither is any human being on this planet, myself included.
Maybe your perfect, I don’t know. Maybe the op is perfect. That’s why you want perfection from the in laws and can’t overlook a little.
Who says that the ops in laws are different then mine. It’s ima mother culture to always call everyone an abuser and everyone must build boundaries.
Maybe I grew up in a healthy enough home that I can accept people even with their flaws.

amother

Tan

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:32 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

I think it's reverse. Can YOU see out of your little box of purported values? This is not a 'little' thing being asked of parents, nor is it a one time stretching themselves a bit to accommodate a parent. This is something that follows you around for a very long time.

This pulling a religion card every time a certain group wants to get their way, is getting very tiring. There is NO value in parents demanding the rights to name their grandchild. Nor is there any value in parents demanding that a child be called xyz in their presence. Religion doesn't come in play here. Honor and respect your parents is not an open ended tool that can be twisted to manipulate your kids into doing your bidding.

If the parents want to do something for their deceased ancestors, there are plenty of other ways. This creation of a fake value system is purely self serving and more often than not, hurts the recipients. They need to step aside and zip their mouths. If someone had a warm relationship with their grandparents, they'll have their own desire to name after them. Parents need to choose a name that is meaningful to themselves, not to placate or fill other people's wishes. Everyone gets their own turn to name their own children. No one has a right to demand to name other people's children.

amother

Tan

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:40 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Actually, it's very hard. You get used to the one name, and you have to remember to call your child something else every time you're in the parent's presence. That's a lifetime of having to keep track of that.

And what about the child. Think about a very young child. If you're always calling her Chany, will she even know that she's being called upon if her mother suddenly calls her Chana Malka? And what about when the child gets a bit older and doesn't want to be called that way? Will the child have to endure that for a lifetime because the grandparents have so decided?

I've got a boatload of experience with such a set of parents. And the best way to handle this is to set boundaries from the start. The older siblings tried their best to dance around the issue and accommodate, but there was always other something else. The younger siblings saw all that and set the boundaries from the beginning. They've had much a smoother ride.

Its been repeated so many times here, but it's worth repeating again. Healthy parents don't use their kids or grandchildren to serve their own needs. It's the unhealthy ones who create issues where none should be.

Mom/Bubby/Morah

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:46 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We named our baby after a grandparent and added a name we like. We are calling the baby by the added name. My in-laws are really upset and we feel extremely guilty. They asked if we can please call our child by both names at least in their presence.

Do they have a right to demand this of us?

Is this a breach of Kibbud av va'em on our part?

Let’s get back to the original question here. In one sentence you say they said please
in another you used the word demand .
If it was a polite request or a demand makes a big difference. There’s nothing wrong with a polite request. It could be considered , pros and cons weighed and decided by you . A demand is a different story . Don’t get swayed by all the hype and validation and explanations you’ve heard here. Calling a request abuse is a stretch . You and your husband should sit down and map it out. What is the risk vs reward here?
Mazel Tov on your sweet baby and good luck with your decision .

amother

Peach

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 1:09 am

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Whose pulling the religious card. I might be Chassidish, MO, dati Leumi, rwmo, yeshivish
You have no idea.
It has nothing to do with my opinion. As a matter of fact, I’ve got a mixture of a bunch of those types in my family and I assure you we’re all on the same page.
No one demanded anything.
We try to make out parents and grandparents happy because we value, love and cherish them.
For those who call me naive. Come join the happy healthy content naive way of giving and getting love.
Then you won’t have to come and post all your problems and angst here on Imamother because many of your self made problems will disappear.
Instead of screaming abuse, and crying about boundaries over a small little chessed, you’ll be a happier and more content person, and have time to enjoy family and give them nachas

amother

Zinnia

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 3:00 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Not sure why you made this conversation personal and pretend to know anything about my life. No one said anything about perfect. But clearly there are issues here as the op explained. So yeah telling this specific op it’s no big deal is being naive. Good for you that you live in a sweet little bubble. The rest of us actually don’t have your perfect life. It’s been explained to you so many times feel free to refer back to any of the posts.

singleagain

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 7:57 am

Do people here actually realize that there's probably a lot more contention in the relationship besides this "favor" that it is being discussed in this thread?

I'll bet that there is way more to the story ( and not in a good way) then we are hearing and if weren't focused on only the issue in the thread you'd see that is probably the straw that's about to break the camel's back.

amother

Bottlebrush

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 8:27 am

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

no

but if you have a close grandparent that recently passed away, by close I mean a parents, parent and you chose to skip that name and go three or four generations back instead while the surviving spouse of grandparent is sitting there, its a sign of disrespect.

Call the kid whatever you want

So you're gonna be from the entitled parents of the next generation. Nice.
Do you know the relationship of that grandchild to the grandfather? No.
Do you know if they hate that name and it will bother them every time they call that child? No.
You had your time to name your kids, butt out of your children's decision.
My parents were insulted that I didn't give a name after an abusive grandfather because the second he died everyone forgot how awful he was.
There were already numerous grandchildren with the name, but they still feel entitled to the name every time a new grandchild is born.
Instead I chose a name from a generation further. I was going to give a completely random name I always liked and wanted to give, but I didn't have the guts.
The grandmother should be happy with the babies that already have the name. Not everyone is going to give it.