I named my baby...

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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

I named my baby...

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amother

Bottlebrush

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 8:37 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This has nothing to do with independence. I am not looking out to hurt them. In fact it bothers me very much that I hurt them. But I do think they are overstepping a boundary being that they are making me feel GUILTY. And yes there are other boundary issues with them. It's not just this.

It's never just this. Don't feel bad. It's not your fault.

amother

Tomato

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 9:13 am

Let them call the kid both names and you call what you want.
My son has an uncommon name named after my husband's grandfather. We call him a nickname as I don't love the name. My father in law calls him his full name. We're ok with it.

amother

Pink

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 9:36 am

I tell my children that no matter what name they give, they carry the legacy of their grandparents, great grandparents and those who lived before them. I will love them no matter what their named.

Can you tell them that your baby will carry on this legacy no matter what you call him? Will they be able to hear that?

amother

Tan

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 9:53 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Whose pulling the religious card. I might be Chassidish, MO, dati Leumi, rwmo, yeshivish
You have no idea.
It has nothing to do with my opinion. As a matter of fact, I’ve got a mixture of a bunch of those types in my family and I assure you we’re all on the same page.
No one demanded anything.
We try to make out parents and grandparents happy because we value, love and cherish them.
For those who call me naive. Come join the happy healthy content naive way of giving and getting love.
Then you won’t have to come and post all your problems and angst here on Imamother because many of your self made problems will disappear.
Instead of screaming abuse, and crying about boundaries over a small little chessed, you’ll be a happier and more content person, and have time to enjoy family and give them nachas

The religious card is about the Torah, not about different sects. This does not fall under the category of honor your parents, or honor your elders. In fact, the Torah itself provides guidance to this. Just look at how names were given in the Torah. If the Torah takes time to mention the naming process and who named the child, it's obviously for guidance.

Just look at how it was done in the Torah. It was always the parent who named the child. They formed meaningful names for their children what they connected to - and no one was named for a relative.

What more proof do you need than that.

This is not a self made problems for the children. It is a self made problems for their parents who make it out to be hurt and disrespected when they don't get to name a grandchild. The parents who do this are usually not emotionally healthy, and often manipulate and control their children in other ways as well. It's the opposite as you say, because not setting boundaries just encourages the parents and that's when we post here in angst and cry about how are parents are making our lives a living h*ll. It's the ones who set boundaries from the start that usually don't have such problems and angst.

You need to step out of your little box and realize that everyone is different. Some people don't mind being told what to name their kids, and some people don't mind having their parents control some aspects of their lives. And some don't even realize how their parents are expertly manipulating them to do their bidding. So just because a situation works out for you because of your unique circumstances, doesn't make anyone else in a different situation selfish or disrespectful. It's important to take a step back and realize who the guilty party is in such a setup before wrongly berating others.

It's the parents who demand to name their grandchildren that are in the wrong here. There are no ifs and buts about that. What we can agree on is that if you don't mind being told what to name your kids, or if you don't mind the control that the parents are leveling in your direction then by all means do as your parents say. But if someone does take issues about such behaviors, then by no means are they selfish and disrespectful.

You do you. But others not following you doesn't mean that they're in the wrong.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:10 am

amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:

So you're gonna be from the entitled parents of the next generation. Nice.
Do you know the relationship of that grandchild to the grandfather? No.
Do you know if they hate that name and it will bother them every time they call that child? No.
You had your time to name your kids, butt out of your children's decision.
My parents were insulted that I didn't give a name after an abusive grandfather because the second he died everyone forgot how awful he was.
There were already numerous grandchildren with the name, but they still feel entitled to the name every time a new grandchild is born.
The grandmother should be happy with the babies that already have the name. Not everyone is going to give it.

LOL, not at all

I'm not marrying my kids off yet.

I'm saying I understand the feelings involved, when until now I didn't.

My children may not give the name and nobody will say a word.

amother

Lily

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:10 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I read a great quote about this yesterday by Dr Becky Kennedy:

Ask yourself, “Is this my guilt - meaning a feeling where I don’t act in line with my own values - or that person’s disappointment? And if it’s theirs and not mine, how can I give that feeling back to them?” We can care about other people’s feelings without taking care of their feelings - the difference is all about whose feelings are whose.

I’m sorry, OP. I’ve been through something similar but my parent was a lot more subtle about it, and it was hard. If you can find it in yourself to want to “give” them the name, then do it. If you do it only to avoid their upset, you may be unhappy about it for a long time.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:17 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

I disagree. I think you are being selfish.
It’s such a simple thing to call the kid a name that gives them nachas just in front of them.
I see some posters are of course telling you that you need boundaries… that’s typical Imamother selfish behaviour.
Honestly if you had a little bit of hakaras hatiov for what parents do for children, you can stretch yourself just a tiny bit and call the kid two names just in front of them.
Btw , I’m not a grandmother yet so I’m not on that side yet, I’m still young. But I’m disgusted by the selfishness and lack of middos by some posters here

I agree, I'm not a grandmother yet either, but the entitlement is this generation is quite sickening, and it's only getting worse.

But calling a child by two names just to appease grandparents it not practical at all. It can work when child is a baby, but won't work long term, but maybe they will get over it by then.

amother

Arcticblue

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:19 am

I think people are comparing apples and oranges. In a healthy relationship, parents would not usually insist on a specific name or criticize their child if they didn't name after relative x like they wanted. The parents may have wanted a name but wouldn't openly show their upset.
Op sounds like there's a lot of undercurrents and others issues that are only made worse when it comes to these kind of things. It's never just the name. It's a build up of a whole load more other things that are troubling and it's just magnified.
For those saying they would just use the name, you're talking about a healthy relationship on both sides. I think it is hard to understand what it is like when dealing with abusive or other kinds of parents who usually put their needs and wants in front of everything else.
If I named my child Yehuda, why would I want someone to start calling him Yaakov? It's not his name.

amother

Tan

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:21 am

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

I'm a grandma already and I agree that the entitlement in this generation is quite high. But wanting to name your own child with a name of your own choosing doesn't fall under this category. That is no entitlement, that is a parent's right.

If there's any entitlement in this aspect, it is on the parents who think they're entitled to name their grandchildren.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:23 am

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

100%

I'm talking about calling by both names to make grandparents happy. No reason not to do it, but in long term not practical.

amother

Tan

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:26 am

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

100%

I'm talking about calling by both names to make grandparents happy. No reason not to do it, but in long term not practical.

It's not practical in the short term either. Every time you are in your parents home, you have to switch gears about the name of your child. That's a lot of headspace. Additionally, a really young child won't even recognize that you're calling for him when you suddenly say 'Yaakov Mordche come to mommy', when you're always calling him Yaakov.

An older child may hate the arrangement and balk. Grandparents who request this are simply thinking about themselves, not the child or the parents - hence the selfishness and the entitlement.

amother

Zinnia

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:30 am

How is it not damaging to the child to have a different name in the grandparents house? It’s their name! You can’t just switch it on them. I can’t believe people think this is a good idea. The fact that too many of you don’t see what wrong shows that we learned nothing and children continue to be pawns for adult to use. Another generation failing to give their children a healthy and secure upbringing.

amother

Bottlebrush

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:41 am

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

LOL, not at all

I'm not marrying my kids off yet.

I'm saying I understand the feelings involved, when until now I didn't.

My children may not give the name and nobody will say a word.

I understood you don't have married kids yet. I'm saying that you'll be from the ones to drag this stupidity into the next generation.

Your kids probably hear you talk to your sisters how "disrespectful" it is to skip a name. Or to whoever wants to listen. So maybe you won't say it the day of the bris, but they know your opinions good and well.

amother

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 11:16 am

amother [ Arcticblue ] wrote:

Thank you! And also to the others who understand where I'm coming from.
I will clarify a few points:
I am not extremely opposed to heeding their request even though it won't be easy. However, the issue here is that they are making me feel bad for them. It didn't start with this. This is a painful UNHEALTHY relationship with a long history. Somehow whenever issues come up, it always ends in their ball court with me explaining, apologizing, and feeling guilty.

When my baby was named (a few months ago), they didn't really say anything- they were just giving out certain vibes that made me feel terrible. This request came up just now and of course I found myself apologizing for what I did.

To all those who were lucky enough to grow up in a healthy home THANK HASHEM!

saweetie

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:47 pm

Your baby your choice. Not their place at all. They got to name their kids and you get to name yours. Maybe just in their presence use both names out of respect but at end of the day this is your kid.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 1:58 pm

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Everyone is DELIBERATELY giving DISINFORMATION:

This is NOT about NAMING the child. The child was named by their PARENTS.

This is about GRANDPARENTS wanting to call their granchild by BOTH NAMES,
and the Parents telling the GRANDPARENTS -

NO! YOU CANNOT CALL YR GRANDCHILD BY BOTH NAMES.

That is very unreasonable and unnecessarily hurtful!

singleagain

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 2:34 pm

In OP she said grandparents asked. If you ask you have to accept that the answer might be no.

amother

Firethorn

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 2:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just want to say that I've notice that I get very up in arms when I feel like people are crossing my "boundaries" when people want to do stuff I don't want them to do even if it really shouldn't be the biggest deal.

I realized that it's due to feeling like my boundaries weren't respected as a kid which is what it sounds like for you. In my case it's not an ongoing thing so I'm dealing with the past in therapy. Even if it's a current thing it would probably be helpful to go to therapy. It doesn't sound like it's about the specific request right now.

watergirl

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 2:52 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

You are repeating the same thing over and over and you are misreading what OP said. The grandparents did not ask if they themselves can call the baby by both names. They want OP and her husband to use both names when they are in the presence of the grandparents.

amother [ OP ] wrote:

They asked if we can please call our child by both names at least in their presence.

Do they have a right to demand this of us?

No one has the right to tell me what to call my child.

amother

Phlox

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 2:54 pm

watergirl wrote:

No one has the right to tell me what to call my child.

Did you ask a shaila?

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