How to make my daughter happy??

amother

Obsidian

Wed, May 11 2022, 7:15 pm

I think focusing on the friend issue and the self esteem is the key. All the requests are normal 10 yr old things and you said yourself they won't even make her so happy.
Have a frank talk with her about having friends over ( hopefully they will call more and invite her back) is there anything particular holding her back from inviting kids? and then go from there and try to work it through with her and ask how to make it easier. Try to get her to commit with your help to have a friend over on a specific Sunday/shobbos.

amother

Iris

Wed, May 11 2022, 7:47 pm

Hi, my oldest daughter is 10. Very similar complaints.
She wanted her own room, she got the guest room (because BH we have one).
She wants our house to be clean too.
No jewelry requests, but she definitely wants to wear the right sweatshirt, coat, shoes...

I really try to listen and compromise.

She helps a lot and we don't take it for granted.

Keep listening and trying to help her.

Happens to be I just started her in therapy, and therapists wants to first work on self esteem.

amother

Tealblue

Thu, May 12 2022, 5:41 am

In terms of the own space piece - I definitely wanted some space of my own as a kid, and I try to be respectful of that need in the kids of mine that seem to need it (not all of them do).

What I did as a kid - I seriously set this up myself, because eldest kid in the house, and well, LOL, big sisters can come up with the strangest ideas - I hung a string from one end of the room to the other and draped a sheet over it. Basically, my part of the room (bed, dresser, desk) was now curtained off for times when I wanted to feel like I had my own room.

It didn't stay up forever, but at the time it meant a lot to me and I was very proud of myself for coming up with it and pulling it off.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, May 12 2022, 5:55 am

amother [ Tealblue ] wrote:

Your "strange sheet idea" sounds fantastic! You're creative! Flower

imaima

Thu, May 12 2022, 6:02 am

amother [ White ] wrote:

That's quite a range of requests. I would go through them with her and address each one, so that she knows you are taking her seriously and hopefully this will foster more communication in the future as she will see results. She is a pre-teen and acting like one, which is okay! I would tell her the following:

She doesn't want to share a room: Sorry honey, I wish we had another bedroom for you to be by yourself, but we don't. Can you think of a place in the house you can go to if you need some alone time?

New knapsack and pencil case that are more in style: You are a big girl now and so helpful around the house that you have earned these for next school year and I am happy to get them for you.

Wants a real jewelry box and jewelry: A jewelry box is great idea for your next birthday gift. Real jewelry is acquired over time and I know you can't wait until your Bas Mitzvah, when you will get XYZ.

Wants to get rid of her siblings: I know siblings can get really annoying, but they are here to stay!

Doesn't want to ever have to help (clear kitchen table, switch load of laundry, put sibling into pajamas/bed): Let's come up with a list of chores together that you prefer. Everyone has to chip in around the house, but we want to make sure you aren't doing too much.

Wants our house to always be clean and neat and nice (no broken shelves): We will work on fixing the broken shelves, although it may take some time. I would also love the house to always be neat and clean! How do you suggest we work together to accomplish that?

Getting a sibling into pjs shouldn’t be her chore. It’s mother’s chore.

amother

Tealblue

Thu, May 12 2022, 7:00 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Your "strange sheet idea" sounds fantastic! You're creative! Flower

LOL - thanks!

The smaller the space the more creative you have to get - thankfully my parents didn't mind, but yes, if there was an odd idea of how to make the room fit all of us better, I would usually be the sibling to come up with it! Idea

amother

Steelblue

Thu, May 12 2022, 7:09 am

OP. She is becoming a pre teen (perhaps a tad earlier than most).

Teens let out their frustrations in life by complaining about things - even if those things themselves aren't the problem. They feel this desperate frustration inside and don't know where it comes from.. They are convinced that if they had the right backpack/ sweatshirt/ winter boots/ mother/ house/ siblings they would feel better.

Teens frustrations are usually their social life and lack of sleep. At 10 she may also need more personal attention from you.

(I honestly don't have a problem with your chores)

1. Social life
You allude that her social life may be lacking. Very often the following is at play w pre teens: Last year (before teenage hit) she was happy to hang out with you and the family a lot. She felt good in her place and liked contributing to family life even if she wished she has more friends. Now, she has an awareness to her social situation and it bothers her. In fact. Her social life is becoming her number one priority (she hasn't peaked yet!). The family is now a painful reminder of her social life not being where she wants it so she just wants you to go away. And buy her the things she thinks will change things.
I will add here that self Esteem plays a big role, and low self esteem will cause this even in socially healthy kids.
I would talk to teachers for social / self esteem advice. If there is a real problem there this may need social skills and therapy. On the other hand, she may just need a c year or two to get through the awkwardness.

ShishKabob

Thu, May 12 2022, 11:15 am

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

I don’t have kids of my own yet so don’t take me too seriously, but to me she sounds like… a 10 year old.
A 10 year old that maybe needs a little more space and maybe less responsibility (is she your oldest? I’m the oldest in my family and I find that parents don’t always chap how young their oldests actually are and treat them almost like adults).

She’s a kid that’s growing up, developing her own mind and becoming an individual. The growing pains are very real. But I think they’re also normal.

Even if you don't have kids yet, I think you nailed it!