Vent - mad at my daughter

amother

Sun, May 22 2022, 7:27 am

My daughter has been complaining to me for a week about a certain teacher who mistreated her, gave her unfair consequences, kicked her out etc.
She is 12 and responsible and I usually don’t look too close at her school work and always get positive feedback from school.
I have been standing up for her arguing with the school etc.
Today looked at her stuff and saw that some of it isn’t done well or she won’t care to file her work properly or did her work in a careless manner (and wrong). As I talked to her she pulled this „Why should I…“ shtick and acted like everything is too much (like putting stuff in a folder to bring to school intact instead of just throwing a sheet of paper into a bag).

So now I understand she wasn’t doing her best so far and I feel like a fool!! While yes some things the teachers did were over the top, I am mad I made a fool out of myself because she didn’t care to meet the simplest requirements.

Example: she spent the morning curling her hair and painting nails, but her homework was roughly sketched in pencil instead of in color or a miserly sheet of paper she folded carelessly and threw into the bag.

amother

Sun, May 22 2022, 7:54 am

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

Really? That's called not doing schoolwork properly? If it isn't filed in a folder?
What has one got to do with the other?

I feel I cannot trust her to present the situation properly because she perceives any little thing beyond minimal effort as a crazy requirement that she doesn’t have to do.
This was the example. She was supposed to make a drawing in color. Color is important (blood circulation system). Her folder was in school. That means that she won’t put any effort to bring the sketch to school in a presentable condition. Also minimal effort to complete the task.
And if I say redo it, then she throws a tantrum how she did enough, leaves the room, end of discussion.

amother

Sun, May 22 2022, 8:06 am

amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:

I mean she is only 12. This does not sound like a federal offense. Let the law of natural consequences take over. It’s her work and the teacher will give her the appropriate feedback.

Yes
This is the right attitude I guess if the school were reliable.
I am just clueless how can I trust and navigate if I see if she is really chutzpadik or is the school unfair?

amother

Violet

Sun, May 22 2022, 8:09 am

In my experience, you don't really know what happened first.

It's possible that the teacher was unfair or harsh to her at the beginning of the year, so she lost interest in putting effort into the class. Which would just create a negative cycle.

But she is 12, the school year is almost over, and I would just let it go.

Encourage DD that her teacher next year might be a better personality match, and that you're sure she'll give it her all.

amother

Lightblue

Sun, May 22 2022, 8:10 am

Balance —you can validate her feelings while helping her learn appropriate behavior and guidelines. Don’t understand about the school not being reliable. She doesn’t need to get punished twice at school and at home especially since you don’t think you can rely on schools observations. She can learn appropriate respect for teachers and school while validating not every teacher is always right nor does every child understand. Keep your relationship strong and lines of communication open with your daughter . It’s not about choosing sides rsther about helping her mature and blossom.

amother

NeonOrange

Sun, May 22 2022, 8:14 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The part I don’t understand is why you were arguing with the school. Did you speak with the teacher and get her side first? What did the teacher say?

amother

Blonde

Sun, May 22 2022, 10:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Because she is right.
This is something ridiculous to be arguing about.
People have different organization preferences.
Not completing the homework properly is not a criminal offense either.
She put in the effort to draw it, even if she did not complete the task.
It's a little too much to be mad at your daughter for this.

amother

Wheat

Sun, May 22 2022, 11:38 am

As a former teacher, you’re confirming what many of us are going through. We have no ability to apply consequences because parents rush to fight us on everything.

If I could advise your for next time, give the power back to your 12 year old by having her handle her interactions with her teacher without you mixing in. You can support her and commiserate with her and talk to her, and not call the school or the teacher. My parents always stressed that the teacher deserves respect, and while sometimes they’re not fair, they never mixed in to the point of calling.

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, May 22 2022, 11:50 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She's 12.
Offer her assistance then Leave her alone.

amother

Mon, May 23 2022, 6:28 am

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

The teacher reached out first.
But I hear you.
Where is the point when you mix in to protect your child? When do you decide the school is not a good fit?
This is the teacher who encouraged me to be vocal and get involved.

amother

Mon, May 23 2022, 6:32 am

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

This doesn’t make sense to me.
We are considering moving her into a more academic school, according to her own wish.

„A more academic school“ and „more effort for nails than for homework“ are two contradictory preferences to me.