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Forum
-> Parenting our children
tichellady
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 Sun, Jul 17 2022, 10:38 am
| amother [ Wheat ] wrote: | I find that any course or program for parenting or marriage is like a smorgasbord. No one eats everything. You take what you like, what suits you, and you leave the rest behind.
You don't have to do everything from this style parenting. Take what resonates with you and your kids personalities and leave the rest behind.
Personally, I sometimes fall asleep naked with my husband. Usually at some point in the night I wake up (don't have such big beds) and get dressed and unlock the door.
My kids are used to that sometimes the door is locked and they knock and I answer it. It's ok as long as they know I'm there for them.
My parents doors were always open. I have no clue how they conceived 12 kids. I guess it's possible... |
totally agree with this! and my parents were the same lol but I don’t have 11 siblings
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Cookin4days
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 10:39 am
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So just continue how you were before the post you read and lock your doors. You dont have to leave your doors unlocked because of just one post
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mushkamothers
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 10:40 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I think it's taking things way too far. Is this how gentle parenting expects we view the relationship between parent/child? |
I find that people on this site are almost purposely obtuse when it comes to gentle parenting. Like they're just dying to negate it.
No, one thing said by one person is not the position of an entire movement. Obviously.
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amother
Navy
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 10:52 am
I once heard the famous Dr Shanik in Lakewood say that parents shouldn't obsess over if their children got foods from each nutritional food group in a day, but look at a full week etc. Which means if one day you were rushed and served loads of easy starches, tomorrow can be more of an eggs chicken day etc.
The answer to parenting methods is more of a full picture. It isn't about your locked or unlocked bedroom door that will make or break your kids, nor is it how often you spent private one on one time.
It's about creating some sort of picture that includes connection, communication, respect, and love. If you want your bedroom door locked and incorporate all of the above, your child will be fine. You can keep all your doors unlocked, never say no to your children, but loose your temper and call them some awful things and maybe they won't be...
Life isn't that black and white yknow
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Sara255
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 11:16 am
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OP, I think its ridiculous and I agree with you. If my child cant handle that simple boundary I will have actually done them a disservice. My kids knock on my door all the time. It's always locked.
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amother
Heather
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 11:19 am
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I do not practice gentle parenting (never heard of it till imallfner) but I would never lock my bedroom door!
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cupcake123
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 11:23 am
| amother [ Heather ] wrote: | | I do not practice gentle parenting (never heard of it till imallfner) but I would never lock my bedroom door! |
Same. I never lock my door. Is there something wrong with me? Maybe it depends on the ages of your children? Mine are pretty young
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zaq
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 12:44 pm
OP, ITA.
Every movement has its extremists and gentle parenting is no exception. Limits are important to developing responsible and socially well-adjusted individuals; without them, you bring up wild animals. Children aren't the masters of the house and parents have the right--nay, the obligation--to have their privacy.
Our bedroom doors didn't come with locks installed. At one point we put a simple hook-and-eye device on our door; I don't recall exactly why but obviously we thought it was necessary. When we moved from there, we didn't bother putting a lock on our door in the new place because our kids knew never to come in without knocking and getting permission. If unauthorized entrance had been a problem, you bet your boots there would have been a lock on that door faster than you could say "Manolo Blahnik."
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amother
Oldlace
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 12:51 pm
I don’t know what gentle parenting is. I know that we do not lock our bedroom door unless we are DTD, and then we unlock when we get up to use the bathroom.My children have never entered our room without knocking. Just as I do not enter their room without knocking. My children are allowed in my room. I have a neighbor whose children are not allowed over the threshold of her door ever under any circumstance. That is not my style.
I think we send messages to our children when we lock/don’t lock. Or permit enter/not permit. They are your children. You decide what message you want to send.
ETA-my children are currently all post HS. We still only lock doors when DTD. They still only enter after they knock and are granted permission-which they are granted.
Btw, my children knock and wait for a response even if the door is ajar.
Is a lock the only way to teach boundaries and respect?
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Ema of 5
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 12:56 pm
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Why does locking the door mean there is no access to the parents? When my door is locked, my kids knock and I either call out to them (if it’s during the day) or go open the door for them (if it’s at night) I am not off limits to them just because my door is locked. It just means they can’t just walk in. Maybe I just got out of the shower and I’m getting dressed. Maybe I’m tired and/or not feeling well, and I am trying to rest. Maybe I just need space.
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amother
Coffee
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 1:39 pm
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And I think it’s way too far not to mention very unsafe to have your door locked all night.
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cheeseaddict
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 3:23 pm
| amother [ Oldlace ] wrote: | I don’t know what gentle parenting is. I know that we do not lock our bedroom door unless we are DTD, and then we unlock when we get up to use the bathroom.My children have never entered our room without knocking. Just as I do not enter their room without knocking. My children are allowed in my room. I have a neighbor whose children are not allowed over the threshold of her door ever under any circumstance. That is not my style.
I think we send messages to our children when we lock/don’t lock. Or permit enter/not permit. They are your children. You decide what message you want to send.
ETA-my children are currently all post HS. We still only lock doors when DTD. They still only enter after they knock and are granted permission-which they are granted.
Btw, my children knock and wait for a response even if the door is ajar.
Is a lock the only way to teach boundaries and respect? |
Same.
My door is only locked for nursing, dressing, intimacy or important discussions.
My door is half open all night long and my kids (as young as 3) will knock on the door instead of entering, and wait for a reply or one of us to come to the door.
They come in and hang out there all the time with permission.
Personally, I also knock on my kids' doors before entering. It's a matter of respecting someone else's privacy and space.
A parent who is always available for their child is not teaching self-sufficiency or giving the child the chance to see that they can handle things on their own, or at the very least wait a few minutes for the situation to be handled without the world ending.
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amother
Chartreuse
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 3:48 pm
| amother [ Navy ] wrote: | I once heard the famous Dr Shanik in Lakewood say that parents shouldn't obsess over if their children got foods from each nutritional food group in a day, but look at a full week etc. Which means if one day you were rushed and served loads of easy starches, tomorrow can be more of an eggs chicken day etc.
The answer to parenting methods is more of a full picture. It isn't about your locked or unlocked bedroom door that will make or break your kids, nor is it how often you spent private one on one time.
It's about creating some sort of picture that includes connection, communication, respect, and love. If you want your bedroom door locked and incorporate all of the above, your child will be fine. You can keep all your doors unlocked, never say no to your children, but loose your temper and call them some awful things and maybe they won't be...
Life isn't that black and white yknow |
Love this post and agree with every word. We sometimes lock our door for the night and sometimes don't, but treating our children with consideration and love is always a priority.
And a locked door doesn't mean not available. They know they can come whenever they need, and if it's locked, they just have to knock and call out. I'm a light sleeper and usually wake up when someone's is walking, before they even get to my door.
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amother
Cerulean
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 3:59 pm
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The house I grew up in (and, coincidentally, the house dh grew up in) did not have locks on the bedroom doors. No one barged in on each other. Teaching children to knock (and to model that by respecting your children's privacy as well) is part of raising children. Locks, no locks, whatever. If your children need you badly, they will let you know. I'm not familiar with "gentle parenting," but parents should always be alert to their children's needs and respond accordingly.
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amother
Lotus
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 4:12 pm
| amother [ Coffee ] wrote: | | And I think it’s way too far not to mention very unsafe to have your door locked all night. |
Agree
Although our door does get lock sometimes it's always unlocked before we go to sleep. It's unsafe to lock any bedroom door at night.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jul 17 2022, 6:49 pm
| Ema of 4 wrote: | | Why does locking the door mean there is no access to the parents? When my door is locked, my kids knock and I either call out to them (if it’s during the day) or go open the door for them (if it’s at night) I am not off limits to them just because my door is locked. It just means they can’t just walk in. Maybe I just got out of the shower and I’m getting dressed. Maybe I’m tired and/or not feeling well, and I am trying to rest. Maybe I just need space. |
Yes exactly this.
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amother
Daisy
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Wed, Jul 27 2022, 4:40 pm
| amother [ Coffee ] wrote: | | And I think it’s way too far not to mention very unsafe to have your door locked all night. |
Seriously!! My uncle was a fire chief, no one should sleep with their bedroom door locked! Huge safety hazard.
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