One organized spouse, one NOT.

chag334

Sun, Oct 09 2022, 10:36 am

Anyone else have strong organizational skills and have a spouse and kids who most certainly do NOT? I’m so frustrated. I am super tidy and have a very low threshold for mess. My husband literally doesn’t chap. If he helps with laundry, the clothes literally wind up thrown all over the basement floor and left there. He tries. Do I: 1) accept him for who he is? Or 2) let him know that it’s not fair to me and that I have expectations for orderliness. It’s not rocket science!!!! I’m the akeres habayis. Just like he makes financial decisions and I respect that he leads in that area, I should be able to make household decisions regarding orderliness and the standard we maintain and he should respect that. Or is it just some people are limited and don’t have the capacity for tidy living? Thoughts?

Not_in_my_town

Sun, Oct 09 2022, 11:34 am

Can you focus on the fact that he is trying to help? That's awesome.

You can gently tell him that you appreciate his willingness to help, but you'd rather do it yourself, if that's truly what you prefer.

Either accept his help with a smile or do it yourself. It's just not fair or correct to criticize someone with good intentions.

I've been on the receiving end of negativity toward housekeeping, and let me tell you, it destroys a person and shalom bayis.

If you see a flaw in him, then either you are looking too hard and you should look a little less, or you have a flaw within yourself that you should rather focus on fixing.

A perfect house is not a worthy goal. A healthy marriage is.

Prioritize. The house is just not up there in the grand scheme of things.

Yes, it's nice to have a perfect house... but only if it comes along with healthy people.

I hope you don't feel this message is too sharp, because it's not meant to bash you. It is meant to give you a more realistic worldview without negating your frustrations. The frustration is real, but that can be fixed through effort, but it is less him that needs the fixing, because you can't fix other people, than the work you can do on yourself.

And it is possible: My neat freak husband has learned to be okay with less than perfect in the last half a year; it literally doesn't bother him anymore. The reason for that is because he's worked really hard on getting his priorities straight. And it changed him, internally.

It takes work and introspection, but it is possible.