How to deal with children fighting

MotherOf4

Sun, Jun 01 2008, 3:15 pm

My three children, ages 7,5 and 4, always seem to be fighting (the youngest is still too young to take part).
Every ten minutes or so one of them comes crying to me because someone took his toy/hit him/called him a name. My oldest is also frequently teasing the two others and they get easily upset by his comments.
I'm tired of constantly having to referee these fights and since I was not always there when the fight broke out, I cant tell who is really at fault. I myself am the oldest of my siblings and was usually blamed for everything, which led to a lot of resentment on my part. So I'm also sensitive about avoiding automatically holding my oldest responsible.

Any suggestions for how to respond to children fighting and teasing each other?

grin

Sun, Jun 01 2008, 3:33 pm

referee as little as possible; when necessary, ask the one who's not crying what happened and then ask the other one his version. but really, a lot of it is a bid for atteniton. paying less attention to it should make for less fighting. when there's too much fighting, find a way to divert their atention elsewhere and find them all a more positive outlet for it.

happymom

Sun, Jun 01 2008, 7:04 pm

let them all come to u sepetately and listen to all of them and tell them u hear them (thats the most important thing for kids, to feel heard and understood)

try and tell them what behaviors you would like to see.

help them find better ways to do things. for example if one child grabbed a toy away from another because they wanted it, they should be told... "what can we do next time we want something someone else has? should we grab?? or can u think of better ways. Mommy is looking to see who uese words nicley (can I use that when you are done..."

when they are playing nicley make a big deal

have an ahavas yisroel chart for whoever acts nice to the other

be specicfic about what the rules are, and look to see who is following them and compliment them.....

try and see what they are fighting about, and help them come up with a solution for nest time that same thing happens and be a broken record till they really do it Wink

flowerpower

Sun, Jun 01 2008, 7:11 pm

I let them fight it out themselves. They see that I am not helping them then they stop. We have the no name calling rule and if the fight becomes to physical then they get a consuquence. For toy fighting we either take turns or the one who gives in gets a small treat for giving in.

mimivan

Sun, Jun 01 2008, 7:16 pm

I find it impossible to deal with if it happens every ten minutes or so, like you say (also by us), but I try to give the older one ways to deal with it himself. If the 2 year old takes your toy, then move. "I know you don't want to move, but he's a baby and he can't understand. Or maybe you can try to teach him."

I kind of spoiled the four year old, because I used to pick up the 2 year old (when he was a younger toddler) and move him every time he would bug the four year old. but now I am ba'h 8 months pregant, and I can't just pick him up and move him, so I am forced to have my 4 year old find more constructive and mature ways of dealing with him.

And sometimes I have to let it go. I tell my four year old "I'm sorry, I cannot deal with this right now...find a solution, please."

I'll add that I became aware very early on that this was an attention-getting technique. So I've tried to give them more attention when they are together (I.e. getting dinner done before the older one comes home...doing dishes after they go to bed) etc..but when I am busy, particularly on erev Shabbos...it's Friday afternoon at the fights!