Ds's Chumash party is 3 days after my scheduled c section :(

ohmygosh

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 6:00 pm

mfb wrote:

I would definitely call and give a specific reason
Like I’m having surgery and won’t be able to come. If there are only 20 kids they should be able to accommodate everyone.

Disagree with this. 20 kids is 20 different families, each with their own responsibilities and obligations. It is nearly impossible to make it work for everyone. People work with what they have.

seeker

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 7:04 pm

I don't see how you could expect them to make a fair judgment if you didn't provide the relevant information. Perhaps if they knew you were having a surgery that could not be scheduled differently, they may have tried harder to reschedule. If you just said "this day doesn't work for me" it's a lot easier to say "tough luck, it works for us."

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 7:21 pm

I was in a similar situation. School asked us about conflicts before scheduling dds chumash play. I didnt know what to say? I was due then. I could be early, late, on time? so I didnt say anything. it was 2 days after the bris. I took a car service for the 20 minute drive. Came in slippers and sweatshirt and CAME. but if it would have been a week earlier?

anyway a few things.

1. if you want the school to take you into account you MUST be open. Dont be shy. why cant you tell them that you have a scheduled C? if you're embarrased have DH call! if you dont tell them they cant sympathize. they might think it's a dentist appt or something.

2. why will dh be driving you home from the hospital then? plenty of times I left the hospital at 7pm! I told them DH is at work and cant come till then. they told me worst case I'd sit in the lounge. But definitely didnt have to be out at 10AM!

3. and they offered ZOOM. perfect! you set up the computer and if a nurse walks in they'll understand perfectly! they can check vitals and you can sign paperwork etc while zoom is on! you turn off your camera then! someone can even let you know that ds is coming to the camera so you can wave to him!

4. and prepare a special treat for this big milestone that you give him when you come home.

to put it in perspective. DD 12th grade performed something in school. just 8 girls. Mothers came. Unfortunately one DD lost her mother in Elul. Her sister and SIL and aunt came. Our hearts were breaking for her. B'h for simchas!

anon because many people know my story of my dd chumash play and how I showed up!

amother

Alyssum

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 7:25 pm

I went to my daughters play 5 days after a baby teacher refused to change date even after I told her I had a baby 4 years before a night before her suddur olay which is major I missed it and first thing dd said after baby was u will kiss another thing of mine. So yes I made sure to go. If you can’t go make sure your husband can go!

iluvy

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 7:36 pm

I missed a play a while back because I was traveling for work. They let me come to a rehearsal instead where the kids were on the stage with music. My daughter was so embarrassed because I always cry at these things, but instead of blending into a whole crowd of mothers I was the only one there!

See if you can attend a rehearsal and make sure he has a good cheering section there, and make it clear that you are even more disappointed than he is. I'm probably missing my daughter's chumash play next month and that's my plan.

amother

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 7:51 pm

The problem with zoom is that I will be able to see ds, but how will he see me? Unless they set up a laptop or something right in front of him, I don't see how it will work. He won't be holding a phone during the performance. I don't know if they will be willing to set something like that up for us, but now that I told them I will be in the hospital, maybe they will.

And for the record, I once went to a child's performance 5 days after a c section. But the day I come home from the hospital just doesn't seem doable.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 8:21 pm

I didn't read all replies.
A school most definitely has to accommodate a parent who can't attend. It's not fair to your child!
They don't need to know the reason. If you say there's no way you can make it that day then they have to reschedule. You're not the grandparent! You're a parent!

amother

Gold

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 8:23 pm

amother Salmon wrote:

You didn't tell them the reason so it's not specifically like they are scheduling at that time on purpose while knowing the reason. Obviously you don't have to tell them but you can't say why are they scheduling it on a day when I am coming home from the hospital when they don't know that. With that being said it is hard to find a time when it's convenient for everyone. But it is sad for your son not to have anyone there for him.

I’m also not understanding why you weren’t more forthcoming with the reason. Do you not trust them to be mature about it?

I would have been upfront about why it’s really bad timing, with 20 boys in a grade they should be able to make a change, now that they went back and forth already I can see it being more awkward.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 8:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

The rebbi emailed me apologizing and asking if zoom is an option. I wrote back that I will be in the hospital but will try to have a device available so I can zoom.

So now I see that you mentioned you'll be in the hospital. They know it's something that is not up to you and you can't change your schedule. So they need to change their schedule to accommodate you. You should insist.

doodlesmom

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 8:26 pm

So many things can happen around the time of a birth….a baby can come earlier than the scheduled c, something can keep you in the hospital for another day etc.
Plan for your husband to be there, and some other relative.
Invite yourself to a rehearsal, and watch it over zoom.

Just saying, I know of a mom who prayed to be overdue so that she can attend her preteen daughters performance, while her daughter was secretly praying she has the baby cuz she was embarrassed of how her overdue mom looked lol….

amother

Peachpuff

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 2:19 am

I disagree that everything has to be rescheduled to accommodate one family. That’s life, you won’t be able to make it to every single event, as much as you would like to. Obviously switching the date didn’t work for the other families’ schedules.

I’m older than you (48) and had c-sections. I think you need to plan this out better to meet everyone’s needs as best you can. Since the Chumash party is on the day you’re coming home from the hospital, you should have dh go to the Chumash party, and have your parents come in from oot to drive you home. You should watch the Chumash party from the zoom hookup. But, you need to call the hospital and talk to a nurse on the floor you’ll be on postpartum so you know what time discharge is. You don’t want to be trying to focus on watching your son while they’re hassling you that it’s time to go. If the discharge time and the Chumash party time are too close together, then consider going home the night before. I was sent home after two days and it was fine. That way you can hug and kiss your son in the morning before he goes to school (make a big fuss over him!), and you can watch the Chumash party without stress.

amother

Calendula

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 2:58 am

Make sure that dh is there. He can come take you home afterwards.
I had 5 c-sections and the discharges are so chaotic. They need to wait until the baby is fed and dressed, I am dressed, dh arrives. There are discharge papers to sign.
Then the doctor must OK the discharge and he/she is usually somewhere else. Then they remembered that I had a medical issue that no one was able to check on the whole 4 days I was in the hospital and NOW as I am literally being wheeled out they remember they must check out.
He can come after the show and take you home. Worse comes to worst you will wait in the wheel chair holding your baby until he arrives.
In any case new baby arriving trumps going to chumash party. If handled right, he will remember this as the day his new baby sibling came home!! You can have a balloon waiting for him when he gets home.

imasinger

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 3:19 am

It sounds like the school did try. Maybe someone else had a scheduled surgery a couple of days later. Please be dl"z, you gain nothing by harboring resentment.

When kids are performing, they are not watching their parents every second. Most of the time, their attention is on whoever is coaching/conducting the performance. So the fact that he can't see you in the audience doesn't have to be a huge deal.

A lot of this is about the spin. You can say or imply, "you poor kid, the school couldn't change anything for us, now you'll have to be the only one without a mother there", and have him feel sorry for himself. Or you can say or imply, "wow, you're the only kid in the class who gets a new baby as a present for doing a great job at the Chumash play, I'll be watching you on Zoom the whole time, we've been given such an amazing bracha, we're so very lucky."

Which do you think will grow the more resilient and mature child?

As an accompanist for these kinds of performances for many years, I've seen a lot. From the Covid times, where it was all on Zoom, to the time where the Morah gave birth the day of her class Chumash play, (and I filled in as director from the piano). Parents who have to miss a performance can sometimes come to a rehearsal in advance. Computer screens can be turned so that a kid can see a parent on Zoom at the moment when parents usually come up for a picture.

Besha'ah tovah, so many simchas!

imaima

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 3:52 am

amother OP wrote:

I have scheduled a c section in a month. I cannot change the date of the c section. I just found out that ds is having a Chumash party 3 days later, probably the day I come home from the hospital.

I told his rebbe I won't be able to make it that day, but I didn't say why. I would tell him the reason if it would help, but I'm not offering it for no reason. Anyway, he told me he would speak to the principal. He sent out an email asking other parents if they're okay with making it a week later, and now we just got an email that they're keeping it on the original day. I guess other parents weren't thrilled to have it changed, or maybe they had other reasons for not changing it.

So now what do I do? Maybe I can get my parents or in-laws to come from OOT so ds will have somebody there. Dh will probably be driving me home from the hospital that day, so who knows if he'll be able to go.

Am I supposed to just miss my son's Chumash party? I'm so frustrated. His grade only has about 20ish boys in it. It's not like there are 5 parallel classes. I would think they could manage to find a date for it when none of the mothers will be in the hospital. It is a month away, after all.

Or should I still try convincing them? Should I tell them I'm having surgery 3 days before and will be in the hospital?

Frankly speaking you will miss it for a valid reason.
Maybe you even won’t be fit enough to go.
Other parents can have all sorts of other obligations that they rearranged for this party.

There is always a videocall

amother

Aster

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 3:53 am

Oy, this sounds frustrating- and Mazel tov, two Simchas overlapping!

I’m surprised the school only announced the date of the play one month in advance. To me that’s the strangest thing. Letting the school know your actual situation the day you found out would have been understandable, and it would have been considerate for them to try to accommodate you, since their announcement of a date was so sudden and soon.

Send DH and another special relative, and you watch on zoom. Then celebrate at home.

Mazel tov, and b’shaah Tovah!

imaima

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 3:56 am

seeker wrote:

Why so secretive?
The mother is 8 month pregnant
What surgery could that be, one month later?! 🤔