If your mother worked full time...

metacognizant

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 7:35 pm

My mother left for work before her kids woke up and came home when they were already asleep. My father, who also worked full time but who had a shorter commute, would wake us up and get us ready for school. He would get home when we were just about ready for bed and he would put us to bed. We had a full time nanny/housekeeper who parented us and did all the laundry and cleaning. We loved her like a mother but it was an unhealthy dynamic because she couldn’t bring her full self to the relationship like a mother would. After school we watched tv until the nanny gave us dinner and baths. I did my homework without supervision but my brother’s school work suffered. Without a parent around to sign my homework I would forge my parents’ signature. My mother did the cooking late at night and on Sundays. She would make lists and my dad would do the shopping late at night. There was always good food and plenty of snacks in the house. But other details, like handling doctor and dentist appointments, were not handled well. As far as being involved in school, forget it. We really never saw my mother, and when we did, she was full of rage. She yelled and berated and physically abused me. In retrospect I recognize that her rage was born from chronic severe exhaustion (which she powered through with coffee and stimulants) and a feeling of not being appreciated. She was doing too much, and she was not able to connect with her children because we were basically strangers. But she accomplished a lot in her career and actually has saved countless lives. I’m proud of her now but I suffered for it at the time. I think she was shortsighted to not find a way to make some sort of compromise. We could have moved to be closer to her job, for example, and that would have saved her two hours a day of commuting, easily. As a mother I try to make my childrens’ experience the #1 factor in my decision making. BH I don’t need to work right now but when I did I still tried to make my kids’ days and evenings as stable and healthy as possible, and to minimize everyone’s commute time, at least. Sometimes I don’t feel so happy in my marriage but when I think about the stress of being a single mother it does not seem worth it to me. (This is not a judgment on divorced mothers.)

Last edited by metacognizant on Tue, Dec 06 2022, 7:58 pm; edited 2 times in total

amother

Hyacinth

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 7:35 pm

My mom worked full time and then some. I resented being rushed out of the house in the morning with tremendous pressure of not making the bus or she would be late. I resented her coming so late to science fairs. She needed to work, but that was her life and priority. I suffered and suffer a lot today and I greatly attribute a lot to being left alone and being emotionally neglected. On the flip side I have always created my work schedule around my children even going out to work late at night so I would be around in the afternoon/evening- I’m a therapist. I make sure to cook healthy foods my kids like-my mom never cooked our housekeeper did. I’m around I try not to be on my phone and I really focus on connecting with my kids. I am in no way the perfect parent but I can say my kids are my focus and I try to give them what I lacked without overcompensating. And while I don’t believe working=bad mom and sahm=good mom I do believe given the same person a stay at home mom will be the better mom just my opinion based on my experience