Poem I wrote at the hospital

Kiwi13

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 2:51 pm

Autistic Prayer for a Hug from God

I've been homesick all my life, no matter what I do.
My greatest dream is Heaven, being loved and held by You.

I want that warm embrace, that love, that hug so very much.
In times of great distress, I visualize Your healing touch.

There's only just one problem, and that's hugs don't feel good.
I think about what I want most and wonder why I would.

My autism means even as a child I refrained.
Of course sometimes I gave a hug, but always it felt strange.

It isn't natural for me. I want to pull away.
But even so, my deepest wish has always stayed the same.

People do not understand the way I know You do.
They label me, or say I'm normal - that's a label too.

Living up to "normal" is a problem in itself.
No matter how I look outside, within I'm still myself.

Lately I've been wondering about that dream of mine.
Will it feel like I hope it will when it comes time?

Life has broken me forever, stomped me to the floor.
Maybe there's a chance that I won't want it anymore.

I lack my youthful innocence. I lost my inspiration.
Every time a problem hits I'm offered medication.

I've been a "good survivor" for so many, many years.
People tell me I am strong but do not see my tears.

The times when I've been "best" and "strongest" sadly were a game.
I held a lot inside my heart, where I was still the same.

Every step throughout my life was heavy on the grief.
But "I will make it someday" was my fueling core belief.

Even if I make it, though, I'll always still be me.
As normal as I learn to look, there is no master key.

There is no magic amulet or potion I can take.
There's only just a bag of tricks to help me fool and fake.

But I abhor dishonesty in all its many forms!
I'd rather be the quirky one than match all social norms.

Most of it is harmless, and I usually don't mind.
I try to raise my kids to be compassionate and kind.

Two of them are like me too - they'll have to learn the game.
My typically developing kid knows we're not the same.

I navigate the world with a map I can't discern.
My homesickness for You grows with each detour and wrong turn.

The world has its good points, if you slow down for a minute.
But I don't think I'll find my home as long as I am in it.

My body feels foreign and my peers are growing colder,
But maybe that just happens as we keep on getting older.

I'm not a darling little kid or even struggling teen.
I'm not a cute old lady. I'm just someone in between.

There are some friends who stick around; I see them then and now.
My family is there for me, although they don't know how.

I never want their eye contact, I never want their hugs.
Microfiber might as well be full of tiny bugs.

I don't look people in the eye, it doesn't feel good.
It gives them closer access to my soul than what they should.

A hug is weird because it needs an un-touch when it's finished,
Which doesn't look so normal. My composure is diminished.

I don't know when the other person wants to pull away.
And if I do it first it's like rejection, in a way.

I never wish to hurt them, but I do not want the touch.
And more and more, I want to be alone so very much.

I just want peace and quiet. I want safety. I want rest.
I don't know how I'm scoring on my given lifelong test.

I have no indications, and it's very hard to pray.
Sometimes I just think of You and that's my prayer that day.

Sometimes I include You when I'm sad or when I'm grieving.
You're the only one with me I know is never leaving.

I bought a broken siddur. It was old and worn like me.
I fixed it up the best I could and hoped that You would see.

My issues are a mystery to others, theirs to me.
I think we all experience our lives so differently.

I never feel truly safe. I never feel pure.
I never peaceful. And I never feel sure.

I've lost a lot of faith along the way. I've broken down.
I feel old before my time. I've lost my old hometown.

I don't know anybody there; It is my town no more.
Each synagogue is different now, and every single store.

My place on earth is fading very tragically and fast.
I'm sick a lot and who knows if my memories will last?

I want to make a difference and to leave some good behind.
I want to be remembered as a person who was kind.

But still I think most people see standoffish, icy, cold.
My own name carries years of condescension, new and old.

So when we meet in Heaven, will You heal all my damage?
It's heavy, and it's far too much for me alone to manage.

They say that life goes by too fast. To me it feels slow.
But after it is over, I know where I hope to go.

Perhaps I'm overthinking things. Perhaps I'm being dense.
Perhaps I can't explain it well. Perhaps it makes no sense.

But I still want that hug from You in Heaven, us alone.
I want to rest where it is safe - with You, my God, my Home.

amother

Oatmeal

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 2:55 pm

Kiwi13 you are so talented and an inspiration!
May you continue to inspire others with your talented writing and may you have a refuah sheleima!
Signed, your fan (I own your book) who’s rooting for you!
ETA perhaps turn it I to a song one day. It’s so beautiful.

momof2+?

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 3:21 pm

Every word of this poem is beautiful and eye opening. You describe your pain so well. I second that this poem can be made into a song. Wishing you physical and mental health and all things good!

NewbeeMom

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 3:39 pm

Wow! Just wow!
The poem reads like a song
The message- powerful and strong
It's just beautiful!
I feel like I will be coming back here to reread it a couple of times...

Thanks for sharing!

Kiwi13

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 5:40 pm

Thanks

DreamerForever

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 6:20 pm

I had tears in my eyes reading this.

What pure and beautiful and genuine self expression!

It's as if you attached a canister of ink to your heart (--do they have those at the hospital?), and let it pour out its contents into words...

Be kind to yourself, and please accept my love in whatever shape or form fits you best Heart

potatokugel1

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 6:34 pm

Beautiful. That was really a eye opening read. Thank you so much for sharing ❤

happytobemom

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 10:49 pm

DreamerForever wrote:

I had tears in my eyes reading this.

What pure and beautiful and genuine self expression!

Be kind to yourself, and please accept my love in whatever shape or form fits you best Heart

I hope DreamerForever will forgive me for quoting her words, I just want to say the same. You brought tears to my eyes.

amother

Coral

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 11:13 pm

My dear daughter, I get it, cause I created you,
You may not understand, but the truth is I love you,

Things may not make sense, your mind is just too small,
But one day you’ll see, and you’ll stand proud and tall,

Although you may not feel it, I’m hugging you real tight,
And one day you’ll really feel it, when the time is right,

Keep strong and keep going, you’re doing just okay,
Your hard work and your effort will pay off one day.

flowerpower

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 11:20 pm

You are so talented!!!!

mfb

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 11:43 pm

Wow!!! Just wow!!
I don’t usually get so wowed by poems but this cut straight through my heart.
Please have someone do something with it.
I’m sure it will help all us imamothers that have such feelings at different points in life.

amother

Oatmeal

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 11:51 pm

I Reread it now a third time and I’m sure I’ll come back to it again!
There’s so much to read in it.
I can’t get over your talent and to think you wrote it on a hospital bed no less!
Hope Moshiach comes real soon and you feel the hug real quick.
Sending virtual hugs meanwhile.

amother

DarkMagenta

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 11:54 pm

Amein!!!

Kiwi13

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 12:18 pm

DreamerForever wrote:

That's beautiful. Thank you.

Kiwi13

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 12:20 pm

amother Coral wrote:

Thank you for this. I got teary eyed reading it.

mitzva

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 2:50 pm

Thank you kiwi