I'm mortified, what can I do now?

amother

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:49 pm

My husband is really frugal, ok that's me being nice. He's really cheap. Every year MM is a drama be cause I feel that we should give a decent MM to teachers and Rebbies and he think the whole thing is ridiculous. We have compromised and we give a nice box of chocolate and wine and no checks. Once in a while there's a teacher who is above and beyond and we (me) add a check.
Anyway the past few years my husband has been in charge of the Purim shopping due to scheduling, busy season for me and flexible season for him. Last year he got nice boxes of chocolate, pretty and quality and decent wine so I gave him the same instructions even said you can do the exact same as last year it was perfect. I just walked in the door and started un packing the groceries and I just want to cry. My husband bought ugly boxes of gross chocolates, they look so cheap probably because they are and they look so unappetizing. I'm not a fancy person but this is really embarrassing. Then I look some more and he got the half size bottles of wine. Groaaaaaannnnnn.
What can I do? The items are considered seasonal so the store won't take them back. No way would my husband agree to add checks. It's one thing to have nice simple MM but no checks but to give this MM with no money, I just want to go through the floor.
What do I even say to my husband, who is so proud of his shopping and his deals.
I hate that this stupidity even matters.
PS to all those judgy teachers who hate on us non check givers, some of us are putting our sholom bayis first.

amother

Lime

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:52 pm

Are you sure the store won't take them back?

I have the same setup with cheap stingy dh doing the shopping and me not able to get out. He refused to buy for the teachers so I took time off of work and went to buy it myself.

You can maybe go buy nice stuff and use the other chocolates for regular mishloach manos. Or maybe if the store won't take it back you can sell it on a WhatsApp group.

And if not, package it prettily and hope for the best.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:54 pm

Have your child write the note in the MM. I have had moros tell me how much the note meant to them. They won’t remember the MM after Purim, but they will remember the note. If the kid can’t write, you can write it and have the kid write their name. (You can help but it should like the students handiwork)

amother

Mustard

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:57 pm

amother Mistyrose wrote:

This! I’m a teacher. I really don’t care what you send me. It’s really the thought that counts. And a note from a student brings it to a whole new level. I save all the notes I receive. It’s more meaningful than anything else.

amother

Trillium

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:02 pm

Another teacher chiming in. I really don't care what you send. I probably won't remember tomorrow who gave what. Who gave the fancy chocolate and who gave the kiddie bag. I do appreciate that you cared enough to come by, and especially if there's a personal note included.

And honestly, if I got a smaller than usual shalach manos and I wanted to judge, I would you were hit by inflation like the rest of us and not think about it further.

Highstrung

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:15 pm

amother Latte wrote:

I guess this is cultural but my husband was a rebbe for years and I received way less appetizing mms.

Half size wines are still considered balbatish.

I am giving half size wines for the rebbeim. I think they are so nice and classy .

gr82no

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 10:04 pm

You’re good. Tell dh thanks for shopping and let him stay proud of what he did.
U r giving a perfectly good mm. If the teacher thinks bad about it that’s her problem and I wouldn’t want to give a bigger one.
And for next year just specify exactly what you want- send a picture of it. Or ask him to send you a pic before he buys it

amother

Phlox

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 10:30 pm

I think that sounds just fine, maybe the paranoia about this is cultural.

I’m a morah, and if I got a half bottle of wine I’d be thrilled- clearly the whole bottle is meant for me to enjoy on my own 😂

Honestly, the fact that you thought to/were able to give something is so nice, and a sincere teacher will appreciate anything. There’s no reason to judge anyone unfavorably over this.

seeker

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 10:35 pm

What they said. Deep breaths. It's ok. Pretend it's ok. Whatever.

Next year do the shopping yourself, it's a relatively small shopping trip (I don't know, how many rebbeim can you possibly have? I'm being presumptuous, maybe you have 12 sons who are each also getting tutoring...) that only needs to happen once so even if you generally rely on DH you can make this one your special project.

amother

NeonGreen

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 10:50 pm

OP maybe you can use this as an opportunity to strengthen your confidence and belief in not caring what people think...you may need this skill in the future, if you ever dont want to make a bar mitzvah/wedding/whatever the way others do but you feel pressure.
Im being serious, the more you get used to thinking strongly in your own self confidence, the easier it becomes