Am I in denial, or do I just know my kid?

amother

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 8:56 pm

My son is in 6th grade. He always struggled somewhat in school, but it was really bad in 5th grade. He is extremely quiet in class and does not engage with the Rebbe or teacher. Does poorly on exams etc . Not a behavioral problem at all - but understandably sometimes the teachers are frustrated and don’t know what to do with him.
With his friends he is very comfortable- well liked by his peers and always around friends. At home, he is quick witted, cooperative and a sweetheart.
At the end of last year, they told us that they think he needs a program with more support than they can offer - and reiterated that in the beginning of this school year.
My husband and I few so strongly that since he is socially doing well- that basically trumps everything - but we had an open mind.
We considered 3 other school that offer more support but know for sure that it would tear our son apart to be in a place where he does not fit in socially - which without giving away too much information would definitely be the case at these 3 schools.
The last time we met with the school , they basically agreed to keep him , but put a major disclaimer that they don’t know what high school he would get into. We spoke to some people and feel that we have a few solid options for high school that offer more support than he can get in the school that he is currently in.
Fast forward to today… we had him evaluated and his scoring came out very low. I’m devastated because I am nervous that the school will say “ well with that IQ, or that slow processing speed and visual spatial , we can’t have him here. ( higher in verbal comprehension and reading).
He clearly has anxiety and has not yet been able to work with tutors which he really needs to support him!
He did start medication did anxiety, and he did start therapy ( which is also super hard for him, but he does go without a problem ). He has shown great improvement in Gemara and feels really good about it. Has also shown some improvement in Chumash and social studies.
Am I crazy for believing that he should stay in his current school where he is generally happy and continue to work with him on the anxiety piece and hope that that will help him perform at a higher level than he currently is?
Or do we pull him out to be in a more supportive academic environment although that will mean no chevra ? I’m also wary about the No chevra leaving to no interest/ excitement/ social religious experience. ( he is the only boy in our family)

If you read this whole thing and have any advice - thank you!!!

amother

Springgreen

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 9:08 pm

I'm not an expert, but imho academic success is not the most important thing. He has a whole life ahead of him IY"H. If he is happy, has friends, and is making progress I would leave him where he is.

If the academic struggles are making him miserable, I'd reconsider, but even if he does not learn well there now it doesn't mean he won't be able to later. In years to come he can certainly use online shiurim and other educational tools to further his Jewish education, right now the primary goal is that he loves and lives his Yiddishket and grows to be a mentch.

nicole81

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 9:25 pm

I would keep him in the school. At the same time, I would provide support for him in the areas where he's weaker. I would try to get his teachers on board in letting me know the curriculum and lessons beforehand, and providing resources for him to succeed better.. ie reading on the subject matter beforehand, a podcast (because you say his verbal and reading comprehension are higher) but more importantly, physical resources to help him in school like graphic organizers, guided notes, graph paper to use for lining up equations, multiple representations of content (ie in math if he's learning ratios and proportions, he can use ratio tables, area models, etc)

If the teachers couldn't give me worksheets and lessons in advance, I would review and reteach the content afterwards in a way that is more supportive.

Note: I have no clue what his weaknesses are without seeing the testing, so the examples Im giving may or may not be appropriate for his particular needs. That said, as a parent if you don't have the skills to provide these supports (no reason you should unless you're an excellent educator), I do recommend hiring someone skilled in special education or at least differentiation to provide this support. Regular tutoring isn't likely to make the grade. But he can actually thrive if given the resources he needs.

amother

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 9:27 pm

mikayla18 wrote:

I tutor a boy who is in a similar situation but his parents actually had him in a special school first and then switched him back-I would keep him in the regular classroom. I think he's happier feeling like he belongs and getting Bs or Cs than being in a class with boys not on his level and getting As...

Thank you . The difference is, he’s getting some B’s but mostly D’s. He does learn with a rebbe for an extra half hour to review gemara, but really needs math tutoring as well as OT- but he is not there yet, in terms of him stepping up to the plate.
I know it’s mainly because of his anxiety, but I feel like we should go with him to these places we checked out so he can see what is at stake if he doesn’t be one more of a partner in his success.

mikayla18

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 9:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is it possible to get him an English tutor? And are you in touch with his teachers? I am in touch with my student's teacher and we get the tests beforehand to review (with different numbers but same layout and questions) this greatly helps his anxiety and he does much better on his tests now. Idk if his teacher would let you get the tests but maybe if you'd have a tutor for him that would be helpful? I personally see (from this boy) that it's better for him to be tutored 4x a week (plus Hebrew hours) and get individualized lessons during school time and be with his friends rather than move schools. You know your child though and you know what you can do financially (tutoring isn't cheap) and you know what the school will go for.
I think you could bring him to the other schools to scare him if you want (need) but I personally believe main goal would be to keep him in his current school. Your son is lucky to have you! You should have alot of nachas from him!

amother

Charcoal

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 3:03 am

I have a student (girl) in a similar situation. She's nowhere near regular classroom goals, but socially they don't want to put her in a special program. One thing we do is twice a year we sit down with the parents and discuss what are our modified goals for this kid, what supports are parents doing, what supports are we giving. So for example, in chumash, parents sent her with an English chumash so she can follow more easily, and I hold her accountable for just pshat, not Rashi, and we're working on her being able to identify and translate the shorashim of words. (not a goal for the grade we're in).
Could you be in touch with the school to set up a system like this for your kid?

amother

Cerise

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 3:08 am

OP, you sound like a great mother and so in tune with your son.

If you leave him in his school, make sure he has other outlets besides for academics where he can shine or succeed. I don't mean he must be best in his group but he should feel accomplished and proud. Things like gym, wood working, ball games, art classes, biking, swimming can do wonders for his self esteem.

If he complains about his academic performance, reassure him that it's not a measuring stick for success and that he will be very successful in life with his middos and personality.

We had the low academic girls in my class but they were fully accepted if they were otherwise socially aware and dressed neatly and basically like any other girl in other ways.

Also, make sure he has time to breath outside of learning. Some times, children who need extra tutoring after school don't have enough time to play and they need it most!

imasinger

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 3:35 am

Too many changes at once is likely to drive his anxiety sky high.

I'd suggest starting by working hard to get him the OT and tutoring help. I'd also suggest getting a professional to sit in on classes to see where and how he needs modification.

That being said, the attitude you've gotten from the school so far is really lousy, and you might want to find a different option for next year or the following one.

Success breeds growth and success. If an anxious kid is getting D's, that's almost certainly in part because he feels overwhelmed. His processing challenges can be handled, with the right tools

And this response of "well, we'd let him stay because he's not a troublemaker, but no guarantees about high school" is dismissive, condescending, and doesn't reflect good chinuch principles. If they said, "we'll work with you to modify his assignments figure out where he's shutting down, and work to help him succeed", that would have been far better.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 4:18 am

Look, we can all talk till we're blue in the face about how he should just stay where he is, but ultimately, the school holds the cards here. If they don't want him, they can say don't come back next year. What then? I agree that it sounds like he should stay, but that's not going to help you if the school decides he shouldn't. Do what you can, but also prepare a backup plan. Figure out your best option if the hammer drops and you're told he needs to go elsewhere.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 5:04 am

You are doing great. Go, mom!

You are realistic and in touch.
You are not in denial nor denying his struggles.

You had him evaluated (don't ignore the report yet also don't go too, too deep into it) and are on track with getting him help.

Definitely push him to handle as much help as quickly as possible-very important.

Since your son B”H has normal social skills and is functioning on level in all other areas (if this is so), keep him where he is and give him all the support you can.

Try to build talent in creative areas so that he can have an outlet, a skill and give him a place to “shine”.

If you have HS that you know will accept him, you have half the battle.

And he is only is grade 6. A whole
lot can happen over next two years.

And at that time you, and with this lot of help, will also be able to get better feedback from your DS himself and see where he would do best...

Bhatzlacha for a nachas filled future…

amother

Electricblue

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 5:08 am

If he's making progress, and the teachers are working with you and happy with the pace, ok. And definitely get him a private Gemara rebbe, even if it's once a week, someone dynamic who can help build his skills but mostly make it fun and develop a positive relationship with a rebbe and the subject.

But if the principal isn't on board, figure out where you want to look at for high schools and start developing relationships that can help get him in to appropriate places. Because if you are on a different page from the principal, he may not help you get him into the places you want. You meed someone independent and respected letting you know if you're being realistic, and if so, helping you out logistically and with getting in.

amother

Junglegreen

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 5:13 am

My brother had this. The principal basically wanted to force him to go to a special needs school but BH BH my parents fought to keep him, and he did amazingly well! They got him tutors at home and ad school, he did amazing socially and was on the lower end, but pretty ok academically. I think the most important thing is his self-esteem-he knows he is well-liked, and that built him up. Now he is a non-academic but regular high-school and BH he is still doing amazing.

Fight for your son, OP. At that young of an age, sending him to a school where he will not have good friends will kill him.