So upset at sil buying gifts

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 9:25 pm

amother Narcissus wrote:

We can only understand what you're writing here. That you're extremely upset over a non extravagant gift that your daughter got from her grandmother. A healthy mother should be so upset about such a thing. She should be happy.
I'm not triggered about anything. I'm just finding it odd and controlling of you to make such a fuss about such a normal thing, that it seems like you have a personal agenda against your MIL.
I don't think my posts are nasty.

Why are you specifically calling it non extravagant? For many 7 year olds, a $100 birthday gift is extravagant.
And again, the gift was from OP's sister in law, not from the child's grandmother.
They don't buy gifts like this for any of the other children.
That sounds normal to you?

amother

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 9:32 pm

amother Narcissus wrote:

Omg not upset at my mil, as ive said a few times. My sister in law gave a mountain of gifts that she knew would upset me because she puts what she wants before anything else. I did not yell or scream at anyone. I'm not more upset the when I posted my first post to vent.

If you had been there when she was unpacking it all you would have found it extravagant or your like my sil who is extravagant. Its impossible for one of those to not be true. It may sound like less when you read it.

Personally no I don't like lots of chatchkes, for me or anyone in my apartment that is way too small. I find it disturbing that my daughter has to sleep with presents in her bed because it's that or the floor. my sil told me that it's normal bec she had to sleep with her gifts too when she was a kid.

My husband buys me tons of gifts, no I'm not deprived, for those who brought that up.

My sister in laws therapist taught her to not care about other people for her own mental health. My husband loves giving loads of gufts but even he thinks it was inappropriate and over the top

amother

Natural

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 9:46 pm

Op, it seems like you’ve made this gift thing into a competition. You think you need to up your mil/sil’s gift so that your daughter sees you bought something better.

Gifts don’t work that way.

You are putting too much thought and emotional investment into a coloring book.

(Oftentimes I got real jewelry from my grandma while my parents got me something small, it was never a competition. Your not competing for your daughters love.)

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 10:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think a lot of what bothered me was that it was largely what we were planning to give her plus more, before we even had a chance. Obv there are other things too, like my sister in law not caring what I think.

We just gave her presents, received very staged thanks and fake smiles. We spent a while ordering and picking and my dh insisted on giving extras so it wouldn't look too tame by comparison.

I know a whole lot of people will now jump on my head and tell me I'm stupid, grow up, etc.

Do people not realize the whole point in threads like this is for sympathy or wise, calm advice? No one comes to imamother because they want or deserve to be bashed. Several people did respond nicely and I really appreciate it.

Aw that really is sad and so disappointing. I’m sorry. I would also be upset at the upstaging after putting so much thought into the gifts you chose.

amother

Narcissus

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 11:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm not extravagant and I don't give my kids extravagant gifts. But I know that it's normal for grandparents or relatives to give extravagant gifts. All extravagant/expensive things kids my kids habe, are gifts they received & I'm so so appreciative for it. I'm so happy for my kids that they get to have those things and I will never do anything to avoid them getting those gifts. I'm really happy for them.
But, the gifts you're describing are really not extravagant. Most are basic art supplies that most people have stocked in their closet.
I think for the future, you shouldn't tell your SIL what you're planning to get for your daughter so she wouldn't buy that for her. You can't control what other's do, but you can try to prevent and be proactive.

amother

Watermelon

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 11:42 pm

My kids have an aunt that LOVES shopping for toys for them. She's always looking online for new games, puzzled, outdoor equipment. She loves to spend money on them and spoil them.

Sometimes I'll turn down some things that are inappropriate, but in general, we just say that you!

And then we don't have to buy our kids toys!!! Yay!

amother

Burntblack

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 4:07 am

Didn't read all the responses, but I can relate to this. My husband has relatives who like to show up at birthdays (some of them never show up any other time) and give big/many presents. Yes even for the most non-spoiled kid, it can ruin and dilute their joy in the other smaller/fewer presents that they were otherwise very excited about and looking forward to. (Also, said relatives totally didn't take into account what we have room for in our house to store...) Came to the point that I would give my kids their present from us on a different day entirely...

amother

Wandflower

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 5:33 am

Op I have a similar situation with dh’s side of the family. My kids are mostly teenagers and early 20s now, and guess what? They don’t have a close relationship with the extravagant gifters, but they are BH close with dh and me as well as my side of the family. Why? Because the extravagant gifters don’t have much emotional intelligence. Over the years, the people who invested time in listening to the kids and enjoyed building relationships rather than keeping things superficial, are the ones your kids will turn to, even though right now the tchotchkes are exciting.

It will also get harder for them to buy stuff your kids like as they get older, so at some point you may see them become less excited about gifting.

If your dh is into gifts, I would encourage him to start giving you time rather than money so your kids see you value quality time with a person over $$$.

amother

Dimgray

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 11:50 am

Honestly if we gave the same gifts accidentally we would just laugh and say how we think alike and know the gift recipient!
We would return or give away a duplicate — no big deal no angst no emotional charge.
In the future we might think to coordinate…or not.
We teach our kids it’s the thought thst counts and we don’t attach so much importance to their reaction (you wrote “staged” smiles op) beyond graciousness and good middos.

internationalma

Sat, Mar 18 2023, 9:08 pm

As someone who has a MIL who loves to spoil my kids , I say be grateful that they spoil your kids and not the other way around.

You cannot educate them or change their ways or views. People have different ways of expressing their love ❤️

If you think your daughter won’t appreciate your gifts , then maybe do as the other posters suggested- give her an experience,

As for your DH it must v I’m uncomfortable for him because your trying to change his whole mind set..

A few treats presents there and there will not make a child spoiled , rather can be taught appreciation. Live and let go 😃

amother

Slategray

Sat, Mar 18 2023, 9:35 pm

OP, I totally understand your dismay. The list of gifts your sil gave your dd is over the top. No one item was a big deal, but the sheer volume given all at one time was absurd. It would have been different if she'd given them over a period of time. There are people who bring a child a gift every time they visit. IMHO this is excessive if the visits are frequent, but to shower a kid with over a dozen gifts, even if they're small, all at once, is very poor chinuch. I wish I could provide ideas of how to stem this tide, but I do want to let you know you're not wrong to be upset. Your sil is defying your wishes and undermining your chinuch. You don't want your dc to grow up with a gimme gimme materialistic mindset, and you don't want them growing up equating material things with love. In your shoes I think I'd tell my sil that she's not welcome in my home if she's going to defy my wishes. Seriously. I think all the people telling you to appreciate your sil's generosity have never been in your shoes.