How to deal with adhd child without threats?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Chicory

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 1:05 am

I totally feel for you. Our son is the same age now and bH we have behavioral therapy which helps a lot. Nighttime I am very firm and loving but k don’t give in to demands or noncompliance!

Also please try to find a better psychiatrist. I’m telling you a 6 year old can turn around completely on the right adhd medication. For us it’s 10mg of ritalin la (long lasting). He is literally a different child!!

amother

DarkOrange

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 1:39 am

amother OP wrote:

You can’t get approved for that without an autism diagnosis

Where are you located
Because my gc gets ABA at his pre-school and he does not have autism or any diagnosis except for speech delay

amother

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 9:50 am

amother DarkOrange wrote:

Where are you located
Because my gc gets ABA at his pre-school and he does not have autism or any diagnosis except for speech delay

I’m in NY. Your son is getting aba through an aba agency?

amother

Sand

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 10:01 am

amother DarkOrange wrote:

Where are you located
Because my gc gets ABA at his pre-school and he does not have autism or any diagnosis except for speech delay

I would love to know what state that's in

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 10:01 am

I can relate very much. I have a few children with adhd ( I can't believe I am writing these words as my new reality, I have not had much exposure to adhd, but it is rampant in dh's family, and apparently a very strong gene lol, so I have become quite educated over the past few years) and it is so so difficult. Last night we couldn't even make havdalah for hours because one was so out of control and another one was getting wound up from him etc. and it was a safety issue.

About bedtime... The connection between going to sleep issues and adhd is well documented. You say you tried melatonin, but how much did you play around with it?

In my experience, with melatonin, less is more. Try giving 1/4 mg. Yes, break a 1 mg pill into 4.
It has been a gamechanger for us.
Then you need to catch the window of drowsiness. If you miss it, it's too late, they get a second wind.

#BestBubby

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 10:05 am

It is strange to me that mothers would rather

Medicate their child, when threatening a potch or

Taking away a toy, works.

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 10:08 am

#BestBubby wrote:

It is strange to me that mothers would rather

Medicate their child, when threatening a potch or

Taking away a toy, works.

it's not one or the other.
And for many, taking away a toy doesn't work.
kids with adhd work very differently than typical kids in terms of punishment etc.

#BestBubby

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 10:18 am

OP wrote in her first post that threatening a potch or taking away something precious - WORKS.

Yet so many mothers still recommend medication
Instead.

Mind boggling.

amother

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 10:34 am

#BestBubby wrote:

OP wrote in her first post that threatening a potch or taking away something precious - WORKS.

Yet so many mothers still recommend medication
Instead.

Mind boggling.

I hear you but constant threats are awful too. I don’t want to be a negative mom. What kind of relationship is that- no child wants a mom who is always threatening

amother

Sand

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 10:35 am

Op your son sounds like he's getting a second wind. I would put him to bed earlier. Children could act like this when they are overtired and have trouble settling down.

I had a child like this. The problem is the child had trouble regulating at night. This is what worked for mepp. First everything was done before we entered the bedroom. So I would give supper than we would go to the couch for pajamas. After pajamas everything went away except for one toy. For a few minutes.Then when that went away. And we had our alm down period- he got a choice to color-his least favorite most relaxing, a story book or game played with me. Don't let him press your buttons I had tickets the child took. So he couldn't ask for 10 stories or just one more game. Then came a healthy fruit or snack, brushed teeth and cleaned up at the kitchen sink. Because as soon as he went to his room the bed looked so tempting to jump on.Instead of fighting it I made it into a game. I or sometimes he chose how many jumps he could make before having to lay down for shma. I also bribed him for staying laying down and not coming out of bed. First we hung up a oaketag shaped like a car if he lays in bed qietly all night -without coming out. he got a small matchbox car. Then to wean him off getting a prize every day I had a contest for him to get a garage for the cars he just got. Then we did car stickers. And car bedtime stories. All being very positive. Everything car related became a reward.

The main point are, don't let him be overtired, don't let bedtime be a battle- and start bedtime at sleeping time to prevent other battles to be associated with bedtime. Reward behavior like staying quietly in bed.

*For siblings I would put his younger siblings on my bed each night and transfer because the kids would act wild together. The washer going would work better then music or a sound machine.but once he started going to bed nicely I would put on a short story for 5 minutes (I loved the mitzvah tree stories) then when it ended the washer would go on. And I got a load done.

amother

Chicory

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 11:11 am

#BestBubby wrote:

It is strange to me that mothers would rather

Medicate their child, when threatening a potch or

Taking away a toy, works.

Bubby, you clearly haven’t dealt with a child who has real adhd. Would you withhold medicine to a diabetic??? Once you realize that your child can function so much better in society, their self
Esteem is impacted in a major way. And the
Home can be more
Peaceful

amother

Foxglove

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 11:38 am

Put a swing or rocking chair in his room to help him regulate at night.

And 4 medications is nothing, we needed to try more than that to find something that works. But I also started in primary and after the first few waited til second grade. It can be really frustrating to keep trying new ones and dealing with side effects.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Sand

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 1:35 pm

I don't know what his behavior is like at day but as someone that worked in the education system some behaviors in young (adhd) children could be due to a lack of parenting skills. A behaviorist or parenting coach could help.

I could just picture a senerio where the child is going to bed, knows this is his one last playful interaction with his mother and is doing whatever possibly to stop the bedtime. Bedtime is not the time a child has to focus. I hears of kids in meds. The meds actually had to be weaned off very early otherwise the child had trouble falling asleep. This is not Op answer. Op has to help her child settle down.

For melatonin, I have heard of children getting it every night and then it stops working and then the parents overdose the kid on melatonin or resort to using benadryl both are dangerous.

Melatonin could be used in an emergency. Like a night your having a sitter. But parent should have some sort of night schedule used every night.

With a good system the Op will see a change.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 1:38 pm

Just want to make sure your giving the melatonin early enough? 8yr old DS takes it at 730 and is in bed around 9.
Make sure you're giving it at least 1-2 hours before bed.

amother

Steel

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 3:46 pm

I have ADHD and so does my dd.

ADHD requires lots and lots and lots of immediate rewards - those dopamine hits to the brain are what make it tick. So rewards need to be for very small things and given right away.

I agree that an earlier bedtime, or at least doing some of the bedtime routine items earlier, might help. For example, try a bath before dinner.

Before every activity, repeat expectations. Even if you have repeated them every single night. State not only what behavior is unacceptable, but what behavior is expected. SO don't just say 'no jumping in the tub', say that and also 'you can sit in the water nicely playing with toys or you can sit and sing or you can sit and play with the foam". Kids with ADHD often can't think of or don't know what correct behavior is in the moment (even if they do somewhere inside their head), and so giving alternatives to their behavior is important too.

We had a lot of success with our daughter with 1-2-3 Magic, you can find the book on Amazon or elsewhere.

We also did group 'therapy' when dd was 6 years old - called cog-fun, run by 2 OTs. This is in Israel, I got the feeling that it was an Israeli method, but maybe try to look into it. It can help a lot with behavior at home.

Really, it is just a lot of hard work and practice.

(Also, as a note, Guafenicine, antihistamines, etc were a nightmare for me, real ADHD medication worked better. However, I'm not commenting on when or whether you give your child medication, just that the one you mentioned might not be the right approach. Some antihistamines etc can actually make some children with ADHD even more hyper and crazy, even if in a regular child they would help them be tired / sleep. Regular ADHD meds help with focus etc and have a different effect - you want your kid's behavior to improve, rather than just make them sleepy at night. Again, when you are ready, but something to consider if you haven't yet).

Anonymiss 1

Sun, Mar 19 2023, 4:16 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

OP wrote in her first post that threatening a potch or taking away something precious - WORKS.

Yet so many mothers still recommend medication
Instead.

Mind boggling.

This is incredibly judgmental. ADHD is an actual diagnosis, not just problematic behavior. Threatening a kid, especially with violence, over something they may not have the tools or ability to control is “mind boggling”.
You have to ask yourself, “at what cost?”
Will you get the desired outcome by threatening violence? Perhaps, but at what cost? The kid’s psyche, self-esteem, your relationship? Do you really think it’s worth it?? On a daily basis? This is bad advice, even for a neurotypical child.

amother

Dustypink

Sun, Mar 19 2023, 6:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

My young son is extremely challenging and behavioral. Typical adhd- hyperactive, impulsive, can’t focus, etc
He drains every last bit of energy I have. The entire day I deal with his behaviors calmly and for the most part I don’t lose my cool.
(Before you all suggest meds I already tried 4 different brands and even half of the smallest dose makes him cranky and he falls asleep. Need to wait till he’s older to try again)
My main problem is bedtime. The second we start bedtime routine, it’s like something snaps inside him and he goes absolutely crazy. The younger kids copy him and it becomes absolute bedlam. Yes I try separating them but sometimes it’s just me at home with the little kids trying to control everyone.
Anyway, he goes crazy in the bath- Splashing, jumping, throwing things, putting towels in the bathwater, throwing boxes of tissues in the bathwater, etc. Then he gets out and runs around wild and screaming. Brushing teeth and putting on pajamas is a nightmare. Then he climbs on the furniture in his room, Jumps on his bed, climbs in the baby crib and throws things out, non stop laughing and screaming. Completely out of control. The only thing that works to make him lay down is if I threaten to smack him or take away something precious from him.
Now before you all say I’m the worst mother, I tried everything already -melatonin, playing soft music and story tapes, reading books, incentives, good behavior charts, massaging him… everything.
I really need help 😭 bedtime is a nightmare

take him to a doctor who truly understands Asperger's.
Asperger's or having symptons of Aspergers go along in conjuction with most meds not working.
If you find the above professional he should be able to find the right medication and therapy.

amother

DarkRed

Sun, Mar 19 2023, 7:32 pm

It seems like your son really does have the ability to listen and go to sleep under the right condition (threat). What you can try to do is change that condition to something more pleasant.

Usually actually carrying out the threat, without talking about it prior, is very effective.
Your child will understand that consequences will occur if he doesn't listen.
On the flip side, also without telling him previously, you can reward his going to bed nicely.

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