Did you receive acknowledgement for Purim Tip?

amother

Almond

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 4:49 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

I'm someone who would rather not get a gift than go through the thank you process. I really struggle with social anxiety. I don't have a lot of people's numbers or know how to get them, so if someone did send me something, I might not know how to get back to them. And then I have this pressure at the back of my mind and it stays until I think it's been too long and I can't say it now.
I also think that how many times do I need to thank? If I said thank you to them in person, do I really need to do a follow up with a text message saying thank you?

It is strange for a teacher to have such social anxiety that you can't call a parent and say thanks for the gift. What do you do by parent teacher conferences? Or throughout the year when you need to talk to parents. Anyway, a simple text or note home is sufficient.

amother

Chestnut

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 4:57 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

I doubt you are a teacher if this is the case.
Also, can you write a thank you card?
Are you/have you been in therapy?

amother

Daphne

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 6:50 pm

This year none of the teachers thanked me. Some teachers didn’t get that much ($18-$36) but I thought I was being nice because I almost didn’t give them anything.
I tipped one Rebbi $100. Did not get a thank you 😐.
One year my daughter had a teacher who was exceptionally nice to her and really appreciated my daughter. I had so much hakoras hatov and I gave the teacher a gift card for a few hundred dollars to a certain store. She picked up the phone to thank me. She was so touched. That didn’t get the regular thank you note.
I don’t know why this year no one even sent a generic thank you..

amother

Vanilla

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:01 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

No bc thats going in circles. I think its terrible that kallahs cant take 2 mins to write a thank you note for getting a gift or money. And I think theres no excuse for not thanking someone. its a text or email "thank you for the gift. purim sameach!"

Always judge favorably. Sometimes there is an excuse. I began writing thank you about a week after I got married, then right after Sheva brachos something happened with our apartment and we needed to move immediately a week after Sheva brachos. I guess they were forgotten about in the shuffle of moving, because 4 years later when we outgrew our apartment and moved, I found the half finished cards. At that point it was embarrassing 😳 to send.

amother

Violet

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:03 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

Same. It’s the first time that nobody said a word . And I can’t even contribute it to specific communities because every single one of them is from a different community within the frum world.

amother

Mocha

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:05 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

If you don't say thank you, then yes you are rude and have bad middos. It's not just something "nice."
Same way if I accidentally step on someone's toe and I don't apologize that is rude.
Its basic basic manner. Stop trying to justify it.

Your measuring stick of bad middos are very different than mine.
Besides when someone explained to you that the reason they didn't send a thank you note was because they had a reason for it and it wasn't just because they don't appreciate what the person or couldn't care less, and after that you still insist that the person is rude. To me that's bad midos, and extremely judgemental and rigid. I find it rude, to call people rude for the reason you are. I barely ever call people rude.

amother

NeonPurple

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:18 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

I don't think its rigid to say that anyone who recieved a gift should say thank you. Even if it's hard for you, you still need to do it. Most likely, it was hard for the parents to give you a gift, but they did it anyway. So you should acknowledge that and send a thank you text.
If you're a teacher, you're probably in contact with parents regularly anyway. It really isn't a big deal to send a short text.
The fact that you have a "reason" for not doing it doesn't change the fact that not saying thank you when you get a gift is rude.
Showing hakaras hatov is basic middos.
If one of your kids got a present from bubby and didn't say thank you, would you let then get away with not saying thank you you because they have a "reason?" And would you tell Bubby not to be so "judgmental and rigid?" Or would you insist they show appreciation?

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:22 pm

I usually do send a thank you but for some reason got delayed this time. I have a group of toddlers. Thanks for the reminder.

And no. A tip is more than just a thank you. The parent went out of her way to write a note and give hard earned money which was not required. So I feel the need to thank. At the same time we can be DLKZ if we didn’t get a thank you even though I think it’s the right thing to do.

amother

Yolk

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:25 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

So I guess you won't call a parent rude for not giving MM or C"V not a "sufficient tip" (or maybe any tip?) ? Because who knows what is going on in their lives? Because you have no idea the stress they are dealing with or the fact they can't afford it after paying almost 1 spouse's entire salary towards family tuition? (My entire professional salary post taxes goes to tuition, daycare, school fees...)

Or were you of the camp "go without extras to give a tip"?

amother

Mocha

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:55 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

"Most likely, it was hard for the parents to give you a gift, but they did it anyway"
If anyone would insist it's rude not give a tip even if it's hard that would be rigid too.

If my kid gets a gift from Bubby I would encourage her to call up and say thank you, if it would be hard for her, I would definitely not force it. I would probably ask her if I should call for her. If she says yes then it's a thank you from her. I teach them to appreciate. Appreciation can be in all shapes and forms.

amother

Mocha

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:14 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

Would you call a parent rude for not giving a tip? What's if they have no money?

amother

Khaki

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:19 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

"

If my kid gets a gift from Bubby I would encourage her to call up and say thank you, if it would be hard for her, I would definitely not force it. I would probably ask her if I should call for her. If she says yes then it's a thank you from her.

I was a shy kid. It was hard for me to call up a grandparent and thank them for a gift. (For a distant relative that I never saw or spoke to, an handwritten thank you letter was sufficient.) But, my parents insisted I do so, anyway. In the long run, it was only beneficial for me. It taught me to push myself and do things that might be a bit hard, but were the right thing to do. It taught me to think about the gift giver and appreciate the time, effort, and money they spent on the gift, and not take it for granted. It also ingrained in me the need to express appreciation for a gift, and that has never been something I procrastinated on or forgot to do. Once I was a bit older, it was simply secondhand nature to make sure I called or sent a thank you promptly. If my parents had let me slither out of it, I don't think it would have become so ingrained.

amother

NeonPurple

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:32 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

I strongly disagree with your second paragraph. I would not offer to do it for my child. You can role play and practice and encourage but they should do it. This is a skill they need to learn even if it's hard. Otherwise she will be that kallah (or teacher) in 20 years from now not writing thank you cards because "it's hard." It's ok to teach your children to do hard things. Your job as a parent is not to make life easy for them and shield them from hard situations, but to teach them life skills and proper behavior even when it is hard.

amother

Mocha

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:33 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

I was shy as a kid too. Very shy. My mother made me say Mazel Tov by each Simcha, she made me say hello to her friends, she made me call up myself for things that I wanted her to call. I couldn't call so I lost out on things. All my cousins had a sleep over at my grandparents house, my mother insisted that I can only go if I ask myself my grandmother if I can come. My younger sister managed to ask and went. I couldn't ask and I didn't go. The next day all cousins asked me where I was, why only my sister came. I am still resentful for what she put me through. Heck with being rude, I couldn't care less, call me whatever you want. I don't make a single phone call that causes me to be anxious.
I don't force my kids to have good manners. I don't want to teach them good manners come with stress. They will learn it eventually at their own pace. I remember every shabbos being so anxious that my mothers friend is coming soon and I will have to say good shabbos soon. I used to hide so she doesn't see me.
It caused so much extra anxiety in my life, forcing me to be polite. Every time I go to a Simcha as an adult I remember the times when I was younger and was made to say Mazel Tov. It brings back so many bad memories and it's causing me to have a harder time being polite even as an adult.

I have kids that are not shy and have no issues saying thank you. I don't force the ones that feel they can't.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:39 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

What you describe is more than just regular shyness. That sounds like anxiety (the type that leads to selective mutism). Honestly that is something that nowadays would hopefully be addressed with therapy. If a child is really anxious to that extent, it's on the parent to help them get past it. It's going to otherwise make life a lot harder for them, and not all will be able to magically outgrow it on their own.
I had a student some years ago like you describe....her parents refused to do anything to help her until the school forced the issue. It was so much better for her in the long run!

amother

Mocha

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:41 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

Some things you only learn on your own skin and bones. One of them is that you can't force anyone out of anxiety. It just doesn't work. You can push them a drop more than their comfort zone. Any more than that will backfire. Its tricky to know how much. A little is beneficial, too much makes everything worse.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:45 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

A child that is that anxious really should be getting therapy. It is debilitating to be that anxious and unable to speak up or do things for oneself. That's on the parents to help them get the help they need.
How will they fare when it comes to high school or seminary interviews? Asking a teacher to write a recommendation? Applying for and interviewing jobs? Dealing with dating and shadchanim? Meeting new colleagues and having a normal work experience?
It may seem far away but you can't wait to get help till it becomes urgent and immediate.