Dreading Pesach with in-laws

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 1:28 pm

It’s not what you think. My in-laws are the most wonderful people, we have a great relationship! But there are just so many reasons I want to be by my parents this year-

a huge one being the singing. I am very musical and singing is the huge highlight of my Seder. Now I won’t be able to sing at all, which is actually really hard for me to even think about.

Another point is I am the only child-in-law, they have all their traditions and jokes and whatnot and I can’t join in, I can’t sing and it’s not like I’m going to say a dvar torah in front of my super-yeshivish BILs.

I also get really sick from the matzah/grape juice combination, there were years where I literally rolled around the floor in pain it was so bad. Not that this would be better at my parents, but I’d feel soooo awkward if I ended up on the floor at my in-laws.

Also, I’m going to be missing my childhood friends coming in from EY to spend first days with their parents! And then last days they’re somewhere else with their in-laws. (Its 2 of my best friends)

I’m just sad about it Sad

amother

Cherry

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 1:44 pm

oneofakind wrote:

I know it's not the main thing but can you either bring along matzo and grape juice that is easier on your stomach or stomach medicine?

100% this. Is it light grape juice? do you have your own cups with the minimum allowed? Or do you prefer a certain wine rather? Whatever it is, either bring or see if they would shop it for you.

As much as it wouldn't take away you missing your parents and friends, at least it makes the yt more bearable.

My IL live in another city, I am forever missing my brother coming to my parents. Both of us at my parents almost never happen. They are coming second days, I am going second days. Neither of us can change, cuz who wants to me at their IL 3 days if they don't have to? Sigh.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 1:47 pm

I get you! I love my in-laws but get so sad that I can't sing. :- (

Once at Neilas haChag they did a contest for the big kids/young adult children to see how far they could get in Mah Nishtana. No one knew the whole thing; was pretty funny. I would have aced it but no one asked.

amother

Ghostwhite

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 1:54 pm

But can I digress? I m more concerned that the wine and matzoh leave you feeling so sick. A shiur is quite small. You are young. There is a long amount of minutes to eat them in. Grape juice can be watered down. There is every type of matzoh under the sun, wheat, whole wheat, spelt, oats maybe see if a different one agrees better? Maybe at your inlaws they do it differently and you won't get sick? Maybe you'll see some nice new minhagim?

amother

Holly

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:24 pm

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

Are you dreading pesach with your inlaws then? Or are you going to miss being home at your parents house so much? It's not the same thing.

Ding ding ding, folks, we have a winner.

Your in-laws are not your parents. They never will be.

It will always suck a little to go to them, because it means you aren't at home, comfortable, with the people you love most.

I totally get it.

I resonated most with the fact that you are the only child-in-law. I had that for a long time, but since my husband is from only boys, I was the only young woman at the table, too. For two years, they only talked about hospitals, emergencies of Hatzolah, tools and projects, etc. As I got more sisters-in-law, I began to enjoy things much more.

I'm going to my ILs this year and dreading it because they have small quarters for my family. I hate living out of a suitcase and sharing a twin bed with my son who refuses to sleep on a leaky air mattress. I hate that they don't have snacks around the house freely like I do (they ration their one box of baby fingers).

But I'm going because I know my husband will be sooooooooo happy. That's it.

I will treat myself before and after.

amother

Ghostwhite

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:30 pm

amother Holly wrote:

I resonated most with the fact that you are the only child-in-law. I had that for a long time, but since my husband is from only boys, I was the only young woman at the table, too. For two years, they only talked about hospitals, emergencies of Hatzolah, tools and projects, etc. As I got more sisters-in-law, I began to enjoy ...

But I'm going because I know my husband will be sooooooooo happy. That's it.

I will treat myself before and after.

And mil might be plotzing, waiting to have another female at the table!!!

And "But I'm going because I know my husband will be sooooo happy. That's it." Like

jflower

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:23 pm

amother Holly wrote:

Can't you bring more baby fingers and snacks to your in laws?

Ruchi

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:34 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Get better matzah like spelt. Use smallest shiur glasses and buy light blush grape juice. Been there done that.

Natural Grape Juice without ant preservatives and sulfites is a good option.

mommyof5

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 11:33 pm

I had terrible stomach pain each year after the matzoh/romaine/grape juice marathon but when I switched to Rashi wine - the sweet low alcohol one - the cramps stopped.
Hopefully this can work for you as well.

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 1:27 am

Almost everyone from functional and happy families enjoys going back "home" for yom tov. I think you can acknowledge that it is hard not to be with family and allow yourself some time and space to process those feelings.

Then, being that your YT plans probably won't change, and it is what it is (and your inlaws sound like lovely people, even though they're not, and won't ever be, your parents), try to figure out what you can do to make first days special for you.

amother

Jasmine

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 2:27 am

This will obviously not work for every family, but I'm putting it out there for those that would accept it. Ask your LOR about singing - some hold that if a few women sing together at the seder, that's acceptable.

amother

Amaryllis

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 3:22 am

We are also a family of singers and It would be really hard for certain members to be with BIL cause they can't sing. Maybe you can sing with your DH the next day. Find a quiet place on the side and sing the songs. (I know it's not the same).