If your Mom kept a dirty/messy house -- UPDATE!

amother

Navy ↓

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 4:00 pm

I grew up in a dysfunctional dirty mess drowning in hoarding...

I work on this every day of my life, took home organizing courses and continue to work on it every day.

One of the game changers for me was learning routines and turning them into habits. For example I have a morning routine that I have done so many times that has become second nature. An idea is to have it recorded on a phone in instructions. Do it day in day out until you can do it in your sleep

For ex. Go to bedroom #1 make all beds, negel vsser and laundry by that door, Pick 3 more minutes to pick up things and put them where they belong or put them by the door to be thrown out... do this to all bed rooms, collect laundry from all entrances, put in the load of the day ( I have a daily washing schedule)...

Find organized friends that you can ask basic questions to. For example where's the best place to store bath towels..?

The problem is that things that most people take as face value natural homekeeping are things that are baby steps for me.

As I am hitting my forties I see my work was all worth it and I am not embarrassed to have people over and my children live in a healthy orderly home

amother

Apricot

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 8:14 pm

My mom's house is disorganized/ a mess
I remember looking for clean clothes I think I went the opposite extreme and never have laundry sitting in the hamper for long. Daily tidy up, wash dishes right away or load the dishwasher if I'm exhausted what ppl take for granted I had to learn how to manage- I looked up everything

zaq ↓

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 9:10 pm

amother Apricot wrote:

My mom's house is disorganized/ a mess ...what ppl take for granted I had to learn how to manage- I looked up everything

Good for you for having the gumption to do something about your situation rather than sitting around moaning about how you can't manage because no one taught you!

amother

Geranium

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 9:57 pm

My house proud mom always ran a pretty tight ship. It's only recently that she told me that it really doesn't come easy to her and she had to work really hard on her self. Our closets were always tidy and the house was always in order. She always had some level of cleaning help, but she herself was and still is very on top of things.

I have a very hard time. Being neat and orderly for me is also a challenge with undiagnosed add - I think even more so than for my mom and I also have difficultly throwing things away. I don't have cleaning help and my husband is not the tidiest.

But I constantly work at it and my house is pleasant and tidy. I can't say that all the innards of my closets and cupboards are always the way they should be. There are also what I call pockets of clutter- hidden from sight- where all the junk I cant get rid of and don't know what to do with sits. Dishes are always done and beds are made daily. I'm usually on top of the laundry and fold it and put it away as soon as it's done. No small kids any more of so that's made it easier. I am actually quite proud that my house is the way it is because it's a huge struggle and goes against my nature.

amother

Mulberry

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 11:15 pm

I was so unhappy in my dirty and messy childhood home and was always embarassed to bring friends over or when people showed up unexpectedly. When I got married I had such a drive to do whatever it takes to make sure my house is the opposite. I went to the other extreme and am now obsessed with cleanliness and a clutter-free home.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 11:55 pm

I was thinking about it lately and how there is understanding that generational poverty is a cycle that is very hard to get out of, and I believe bad housekeeping is too, but there is less awareness and there is a ton of shame (mostly inner shame) of women who never learned how housekeeping habits.

To be fair, both my mom and I were also either in poverty or just above it, and definitely cannot afford cleaning help.

Funny thing is, she and I both have a small (by frum standards) amount of kids, so it's not like "oh , well we have 7 kids in a tiny apartment, what do you expect?".

amother

Orange ↓

Fri, May 05 2023, 6:24 am

My mother has always been a bas housekeeper and unfortunately I'm worse Sad

I've definitely made an effort to learn better habits but I also have a few ongoing and recent challenges in my life that make it very hard for me to find the time and mental space to work on something which really doesn't come naturally to me. I'm living in a much smaller space than my mother did and my financial situation forces me to work a lot more than she did. I don't have the physical energy to clean late at night. And I'm not willing to sacrifice spending time on the things that do come naturally to me like cooking good meals and spending time playing and shmoozing with my kids. So I haven't yet found the routine that works for me.
I feel so bad that my kids that they are growing up in such a mess, especially since some of them are embarrassed, but I simply can't find the time and energy to put in to changing it right now. Maybe it will be easier as my younger ones start to grow up Sad

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, May 05 2023, 6:55 am

amother Orange wrote:

My mother has always been a bas housekeeper and unfortunately I'm worse Sad

I could have written this word for word, except none of my kids are old enough to be embarassed or care yet.

amother

Seafoam

Fri, May 05 2023, 7:14 am

amother OP wrote:

I don’t understand why people always equate poverty with the mess though. I grew up in the projects and most people’s homes were clean and uncluttered because (a) they took pride in cleaning up their own messes vs relying on cleaning staff, many of them were cleaning staff and (b) they had less possessions to make clutter. Being poor does not always equate to mess.

amother

Mint

Fri, May 05 2023, 7:16 am

Growing up our house was always messy, but my mom always had cleaning help to lessen the damage. I really struggle with this- and it doesn't help that I have the most adorable 3 year old, who loves to bring the entire neighborhood to come play in our tiny basement apartment and they unpack every closet they can reach. I know I need to be strict with her and make rules but its hard in a small apartment without any place to play.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, May 05 2023, 7:34 am

amother Seafoam wrote:

My mom actually worked as a חדרנית in a hotel (so a little different than in a house), but it was like the saying "the cobbler's kids go barefoot". Maybe the difference was the job was something she knew she had to do everyday, but for whatever reason she thought cleaning her own house once a month should be enough.

I think the poor having fewer possessions was a thing of 50+ years ago. Today and for at least the past 30 years, the poor often have many cheap or even worthless possessions. My mom was/is what I'd call a "minor - league hoarder". Not the level of the big time hoarders that you see on tv, but a ton of worthless junk she doesn't use.

amother

Canary ↓

Fri, May 05 2023, 7:50 am

amother Orange wrote:

My mother has always been a bas housekeeper and unfortunately I'm worse Sad

Are you teaching your older ones to clean? if not, why not? No point letting them them be embarrassed and doing nothing about it. At Least if you teach them they can do something before their friends come over, and then in adulthood they won't be like you. You can Shmuez and bond with them as you clean together just as you can while just sitting around or cooking Delicious meals. Adults do what they must even if there are other things they'd rather be doing.

amother

Tomato

Fri, May 05 2023, 7:52 am

I grew up in a tiny home so it’s not fair to say of it was cluttered or not.
My mom was very critical though and yelled a lot about cleaning up.
So as soon as I wasn’t living with her (and that was very early), I did my own thing, which was not cleaning or only when I felt like it.

When I was in the thick of little kids, I didn’t notice clutter or disorder. Now I cringe to look at pictures as you see there is always a mess at rhe background.

I think people don’t speak about generational messiness because it’s more complex than that

amother

↑ Canary

Fri, May 05 2023, 8:07 am

amother Seafoam wrote:

This. My folks were quite poor for many years and never had much even when they were no longer poor -poor, but they were clean-clean and orderly. As my grandmother used to say, soap is cheap and elbow grease is free. Your dress may be old and faded but that no excuse for not washing and ironing it. Have a little pride.

amother

↑ Orange

Fri, May 05 2023, 8:40 am

amother Canary wrote:

Lol I'm not sitting around.

newinbp

Fri, May 05 2023, 8:52 am

amother Navy wrote:

I'm so in awe of what you wrote. I grew up with lots of disorder as well and as I see more homes today of neighbors, I'm realizing that like you said things others take for granted I simply don't know how to do/never did/is not automatic for me.
What courses did you take? Do you have recommendations? I'd like to take bigger strides addressing this like it sounds you have, it's really impacting my day to day and that if my family.
You can pm me if more comfortable.
I really think more systems and order could really make a positive impact in my home. Thanks so much Smile