S/o PSA if you are having guests who have a baby under 6 mon

amother

Fern

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:54 pm

amother Chambray wrote:

You’re not expecting a room to sleep in! It can be a folding chair in a bedroom, living room or even in a bathroom or big closet if necessary. Again, I personally have never ever had anyone think twice when I asked. I really find this very strange that so many people think this is an extreme request.

I don't think it's an extreme request (ETA- if made in advance!), but I think it's an extreme reaction. I don't keep Shabbos lamps on unless we have guests, so I would not be able to offer a room at night that wasn't dark. Am I supposed to put Shabbos lamps on every time I have someone over for a meal?

Highstrung

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:59 pm

I didn’t read the entire thread . But the PSA should be , attention all those that suffer from anxiety , please don’t expect others to know that you have an anxiety disorder and that you need special arrangements . Please work out all possible issues in advance before visiting others or limit visits with others if it may spike your anxiety .
I’m sorry you had to experience such discomfort to the point of feeling like you were going to have a panic attack. This is your unique situation and doesn’t really apply to people without anxiety and fear of the dark. So I’m the future you need to be proactive and discuss your potential issues with your host in advance .

amother

Chambray

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:00 pm

amother Fern wrote:

No of course not, but I’m sure you can figure out a way to accommodate. She can nurse with the door open or you can figure out something that’s more comfortable than a cold dark basement.

Agreed the reaction is extreme but so are the responses.

I personally would never eat out if I needed to nurse that often for that long, but she’s a first time mom and obviously didn’t realize. That doesn’t mean that hosts shouldn’t try to be accommodating.

amother

Oak

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:02 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

What if someone actually needs the bathroom?

Then they knock on the door, you unlatch the baby, fix you shirt, come out of the bathroom and use the time to burp the baby. Hope they don’t make the bathroom smell, go in and finish when they are done.
Really not so complicated. Do you not put away your first side and burp the baby before offering the second side?

amother

Eggplant

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:02 pm

amother Fern wrote:

When you're going to someone for just a meal you can't expect a room as well without asking in advance. That's not a normal expectation when going out for a meal.

Maybe it's not. But it's apparent from OP that she doesn't know that. It's ok to kindly tell OP that this is typically not on the host, unless asked.
However, making fun of the situation the way some posters here did, and starting a s/o thread for the sake of laughing about it, well,, not ok.
I'm guessing OP now knows to ask beforehand for a place to nurse. But the shaming could have easily been avoided with a little empathy.

BrisketBoss

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:12 pm

amother Oak wrote:

Maybe they're not knocking on the door since it's clearly occupied.

Not sure how offering sides is relevant here but my memory with my first child at least is that she had a long feed on one side, slept, and then had a long feed on the other side. It was multiple months before she wanted both sides in one sitting. They used to advise women to switch after X amount of minutes but that was bad advice.

NechaMom

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:34 pm

amother Chambray wrote:

I already posted how surprised I am at the responses but reading through more responses and I’m really just blown away at the insensitivity and ignorance about breastfeeding.

You can’t “just give a bottle” when you’re exclusively breastfeeding. That’s not how it works, especially at 3 months postpartum. First of all, you will start leaking milk. Second of all you are still establishing your supply and giving bottles even occasionally can interfere with that if you’re planning to only nurse. I’ve pumped/breastfed in restaurant bathrooms, back seats of cars, a stall in an office bathroom, clothing store dressing rooms etc. No one said it’s always convenient, but many of us choose to do it anyway.

It is not unheard of to nurse for 45 mins at 3 months postpartum. Definitely at the longer end but still can be normal, especially if her pediatrician is ok with it.

Expecting a bedroom or semi private space to nurse in is NOT THE SAME as expecting a pack n play/crib/stroller from your host without discussing.

Putting a newly postpartum guest in a cold dark basement and basically saying “too bad” when she asks for another spot is extremely insensitive. I’ve nursed in plenty of messy bedrooms over the years. Definitely prefer that to a pitch black basement.

Op I’m sorry people are responding so harshly. Maybe I wouldn’t have used the word “traumatic” but I definitely agree that your host should have been more accommodating.

You prefer the messy room but the host is extremely uncomfortable for whatever reason to let you use that messy room.
Understanding must go both ways.
Why is it only about the guest and nothing about the host?
Most people are okay nursing in the dark. Instead of inconveniencing the host she should’ve had her DH sit with her.

imaima

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

You would do that at someones house where there's at least five men you don't know and still aren't used to using a nursing cover and have trouble staying covered up, especially at a place like a strangers shabbos table. In my circles women don't really nurse at the shabbos table. Everyone would stare.

No it’s not appropriate. Don’t listen to that amother. Especially if you have size G.

amother

Chambray

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:40 pm

NechaMom wrote:

It absolutely does go both ways. But it sounds like this host didn’t try to accommodate at all. It’s not so complicated to find any small space in the house, put a folding chair there, and tell people to avoid that area for a bit. The messy room was just an example.

NechaMom

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:41 pm

amother Chambray wrote:

I’m not sure she has any private room other than bedrooms which she didn’t feel like offering.
The dining room and kitchen were obviously being used.
Not everyone has such a large house.
I’m sure she couldn’t understand what’s wrong with the basement and if OP didn’t tell her (in advance) she can’t blame her now for not knowing.
It’s a lesson for OP for next time she’s invited out.
Figure out if it’s worth going.

Last edited by NechaMom on Sun, May 07 2023, 6:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

DVOM

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:47 pm

Oh op...I feel for you!

I can just picture myself getting into a situation like this. I love company, and I really crave having (safe, loving, understanding) people around me after I give birth. I would totally have rushed into being a guest with a 3 month old. I wouldn't have anticipated how hard feedings would be away from home. I would not have been happy to sit alone in the cold and dark for 40 minutes, twice. I would have been fretting the whole time about being rude to my hostess, would have felt isolated and sad.

OP, trauma comes from a feeling of helplessness. You can think and feel about what happened here differently if you look back and realize how many choices you had, how powerful you really are.

You could have said no to the invitation and stayed in the (boring but) light and warm comfort of your own home. You could have bought a nursing poncho, taught yourself how to use it, and sat in the living room or any other public space to nurse. You could have told your hostess in advance that the baby nurses frequently and long, before you accept the invitation, would your hostess be able to give you a place to nurse? You could have said, in the moment, I'm not comfortable nursing in the dark, is there another place for me to nurse? You could have said, I'm getting uncomfortable in the dark, and asked your husband to stay with you. And if you were truly stuck, and if there was no other place to nurse than the dark cold basement study, and your husband couldn't be with you, you could have asked for a throw blanket or a sweater, closed your eyes, and remembered that you weren't alone. You had your baby with you, and you could have used that time to focus mindfully on your beautiful baby, the sound of his breathing, his weight, his smell, his soft skin and hair, the incredible miricle of him, and actually enjoyed that dark and quiet time.

So there were lots and lots of choices that landed you in that cold, dark room. The good thing about focusing on your own choices is how powerful it makes you. You never have to be stuck nursing in a room like that ever again. Your really powerful op! You can make other choices! You can do this, little mama!

amother

Babyblue

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:48 pm

As someone who has nursed five babies bli again hara an average of 18 months per baby, including one who was way over 3:

Nursing should not be forty minutes long every two hours. More like twenty minutes every three hours. (Or if your babies are like mine 5-20 min every three hours).

You could have probably used the room that the office was within, and it wouldn't have been pitch b lack.

Especially it you used there round one and were miserable, you should Have asked for a bedroom to nurse in.I would've said, "do you mind if I nu rse in one of your kids' rooms? I don't mind if it's messy! "

It at least left the door open and used a coverup so it wouldn't be so dark.

If it were me, I wouldn't have been ancious. I would have been bored.

I think you should consider getting help for anxiety if it's something you feel in other parts of your life

bebrave

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:56 pm

amother DarkPurple wrote:

The rudeness on this thread is next level.

If I'd be op, I'd be crying.
I don't relate to her issue bec we don't eat out with friends or such but if you don't relate, move on.
If you need to respond, take a minute and do it nicely.

Totally agree! I'm so sorry for you op:( you came on here for support and it was not fair that you got shamed like that! Being a first time mum is not easy at all and there's sooo many things to get used to, besides for the anxiety you already have! I hope you have some kind of support network of friends and or family who can be there for you and help you out a little.
Wishing you lots of strength and courage! HUGS XX