Who pays to fly in the couple?

amother

Wed, May 10 2023, 5:28 pm

In a case where it is accepted that a young couple will be flown in for at least one Yom Tov a year. Who normally pays? In this case, the girl's side is giving most of the support.

Would they share the ticket expense? Is it all on the girl's side?

For reference, both sides ae very yeshivish.

amother

Scarlet

Wed, May 10 2023, 5:30 pm

I can tell you what we did. I don't know if it's the norm. My parents and in laws split the cost so each paid for one ticket basically.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, May 10 2023, 5:32 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

I can tell you what we did. I don't know if it's the norm. My parents and in laws split the cost so each paid for one ticket basically.

We did this also, but then it was also agreed that we split the visit exactly in half, down to number of meals.

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, May 10 2023, 5:38 pm

We live near my parents and pay for our own flights to visit my in-laws. I think they paid for our first visit. Sometimes they pay for our luggage or towards our car rental, if they have spare cash.

amother

DarkMagenta

Wed, May 10 2023, 5:56 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

Whoever wants them to come in

This. It's nobody's obligation. If one side wants them to come and the other doesn't care the side that cares pays.

amother

Wheat

Wed, May 10 2023, 6:02 pm

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

This. It's nobody's obligation. If one side wants them to come and the other doesn't care the side that cares pays.

But then you have the issue of the side who’s paying wanting the couple to come to them the whole time because it’s on their dime.

I have a relative who went through this and it wasn’t pleasant.

amother

Holly

Wed, May 10 2023, 6:06 pm

ouch

depends upon the situation

sometimes one side can afford it more and just pays and still splits the time evenly as the couple wants and not down to the meal/minute

that's what we did

no one owes anyone anything...I guess in an average situation id say the parent should split the tickets 50/50 assuming both are going to see them/live close enough etc

amother

Firebrick

Wed, May 10 2023, 6:06 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

Yes, this isn't fun. My sister had this. Her inlaws felt that if they were paying, they wanted to see them the whole time and didn't want her to go to our parents and see us at all, because it was their money.
Most people I know split the cost of the ticket between the parents. But this usually only lasts for the first so many years before it's either complicated logistically or the couple are expected to contribute. Also I know a lot of people who the parents come to visit them, especially when the parents have more than one married child living there. And then they don't feel the need to fly them in because they've seen them.

amother

Holly

Wed, May 10 2023, 6:10 pm

Things do generally change of their own accord as more kids get married and the couples have more kids hopefully...

so as families grow things tend to change again

best to keep the relationships front and foremost

agreer

Wed, May 10 2023, 6:20 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

Yes, 100%.

But it makes sense - if they are flying you in, they get to see you!
You can't be flown home by your MIL and go to your mom for most of the trip.

A gracious MIL won't say anything when her DIL wants to visit her mom or go for a small part of yom tov, but she's correct in assuming that since she paid, she gets to have you more.

amother

DarkPurple

Thu, May 11 2023, 6:47 am

We pay for our own tickets, but many times my parents will give us money to cover part of it, usually around half. We don't ask for it/or expect it and its not a set amount. We are very grateful for whatever we get. This is for YT.
for a family simcha or if they want us to come separately then they will pay. My in-laws contribute if its for a family simcha - still dont pay the whole thing, but there are zero hard feelings. we made the choice to live on the other side of the ocean.

we are blessed with parents who are not tit for tat, we paid you can't go etc. When we come in for pesach, even if only one side contributed we still go to one side for each half of YT.

We are regular yeshivish living in EY.

Most of my friends have parents and in laws who split the tickets... but there are plenty who don't for lots of different reasons.

amother

DarkKhaki

Thu, May 11 2023, 10:02 am

I have 2 siblings that live(d) in Israel. They never came home for yom tov. The only tickets my parents paid for was for chasunas as the rest of us got married.

It was hard for me as the youngest to not get to meet many of my nieces and nephews--meeting them when they were already "older".

amother

DarkGreen

Thu, May 11 2023, 10:11 am

I know my sister fully supports her couple in EY, and part of that support is that she pays for their tickets (couple, two kids) to come home for YT. And yes, they go to the other side for half of it (and sometimes even more). She doesn't tell her couple what to do. But there's plenty of resentment, that she tries her best to worry. (for example, she's expected to provide car, gas, etc...so they can drive to see the other side. She pays for EVERYTHING. They pay for NOTHING and try to call the shots.)

amother

Outerspace

Thu, May 11 2023, 10:13 am

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Yup.
I know a bunch of in laws like this

amother

SandyBrown

Thu, May 11 2023, 10:16 am

I live near my parents, when we go to my in laws for yom tov they pay for the tickets. We are one of the older ones and they told us that eventually when more kids are married they won’t be able to pay which is understandable.