S/O the mom of the rude child- would you say something?

amother

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:23 am

I am the mom in that thread. I decided to ask this question as a separate thread.
I have 2 kids with HFA (so far, a younger sibling is showing markers). My kids have zero filter, act very immature, say rude things, struggle with hygiene and manners. They look perfectly normal but their behaviors are not. They come across as selfish, ill mannered, weird, gross and rude, they aren't, they are on the spectrum.
Anyway, my husband and I disagree about whether or not to tell people. Of course family, close friends and school knows but I would feel better telling a host or playdate or someone at a party watching their behavior. I want to explain and yes clarify that I'm not a terrible mom. I want to offset the shame.
My husband thinks that it's not anyone business and disrespectful to our children to just casually discuss their issues and diagnoses.
What do you think?

amother

Burgundy

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:33 am

I think it's your right to tell. The purpose is not to make fun of or embarass the kid.

If your kid was 8 and had a mild dairy intolerance (not life threatening is my point) and was invited to a sleep over, you'd tell the parents "he has a mild dairy intolerance, so ir's okay if he has 1 dairy cookie, but don't let him have much or he'll get a belly ache and diarrhea"

That's totally different than if your kid is 22 and you tell his girlfriend "you know that dairy gives him a belly ache and diarrhea?!"

So in your case I feel like it's more like the 1st, where it's relevant info.

bigsis144

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:42 am

This is hard, and definitely easier when kids are younger.

It’s hard to protect my teen son’s privacy when, for example, the mother of my son’s out of town classmate asks me if I can do her a favor and have her son come over after school for a few hours because there is an extra curricular after dinner time.

My son can hold it together in school, but having people in “his” space is stressful and he likes to decompress alone on the computer. Also by 5pm his meds have worn off… asking him to socialize — and especially to be a host and entertainer — after school would be a disaster.

And I can turn down someone a few times with “it wouldn’t be a good night” before it just seems like rejection or rudeness. But I don’t feel like it’s my place to explain.

anotherone

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 6:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think that people will find out anyway, because you cannot hide their behaviors. I would like to know, bc then I won't be judgemental, but beware with who you share. Some people might actually get more judgemental.

I have husband with issues, and I am in same position, but with husband. How do you share something painful, without it becoming loshon hara about your family? It's a tough spot. I think I personally would anyway look at your kids behavior by now and spot that their social skills are off , and knowing about diagnosis for me would be easier than having someone saying nasty stuff or behaving weird, and a mother just "covering it up". Again, it's not their fault and not that you approve it, so I vote for telling,but I don't know your environment.

I wish my husband would have diagnosis, then I would be sure it's his sickness,not bad midos. For me diagnosis smoothes things up....