If someone asks “HOW MANY kids do you have?”…

thinkpositive

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 8:39 am

This question should NEVER be asked. Such an simple question that can be really painful to some.

I don't mind saying how many we have. But if I wanted to evade answering, I could simply say, 'both boys and girls'.

I'd prefer not to make the questioner feel stupid though, so a straightforward answer would be fine from me.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 8:41 am

amother Babypink wrote:

I hate the question. Truth is the last time I was asked it went like this. Other person said I’m bh so busy I don’t have time for anything I have eight kids. Then asks me how many I have. I responded 4. Her response I’m sure you’re busy too.

Back story: Even though I’m blessed and appreciate the 4 I have it’s not by choice and it’s very painful to me as I’m aging…

Off topic, but I’m sure you are very busy. I hate when people think that how busy someone is directly correlates to the amount of children they have . I have three bh, and I am just as busy as anyone else . And busier then many.

amother

Strawberry

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 8:42 am

I have no issue saying in non-Jewish circles. They're not so prissy about these things the way we are. In RW circles, though...well, we were at a chasunah and my dh asked the rebbetzin at our table how many dgc she had. Thought I'd die. She gave him some non-answer like "we don't count." Told him later never to ask a RW frum person how many kids or gc they have. I don't mind telling how many gc I have except to people my age or older who don't yet have any or have only one or two. Not because of ayin hara but because I don't want to make them feel bad, same as I don't talk about my married kids to people who have older singles at home.

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 8:47 am

Chayalle wrote:

And the flip side of that was when my non-Jewish coworker said to me, only 3 kids? Don't you religious people usually have large families?
I told her yeah, but G-d plays a role in that, and we have IF....
That got her quiet.

People really don't think!

amother

Fern

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 9:39 am

I remember watching a friend of mine who has nine kids being asked by a secular Jew with 2 kids how many kids she had. I was waiting for her response and then his predictable response to that... Instead she answered, "A lot." which I thought was weird, but it definitely avoided the "Woah, oh my god" response that was sure to come from him. I mean, that's what I get when my dentist or pedicurist hear I have five kids...

OTOH, years ago when I was younger and stupider, someone was talking to me about her kids, so I asked her how many does she have. Her response was: I had five, but one was nifter, so now it's only four. I wanted to bury myself from humiliation and felt so stupid for asking. Since then, it's a question I will never ask. I might ask other questions that might make someone uncomfortable (For ex: where do you work? Or what does your DH do?), but this one I can never bring myself to ask again.

smss

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 9:40 am

amother Ebony wrote:

Decades ago I sat with some ladies in a Brooklyn mikva waiting room. One lady was discussing her children so I asked how many she had. She completely ignored me so I asked again, thinking she hadn't heard me. Again no answer so I stopped. I was mortified.
She caught me alone in the hallway and told me she ignored me because she doesn't count. I was so upset with her. She could have at least told me THAT.
Don't be that woman.

Right. I can't imagine embarrassing other people or making them feel uncomfortable is better in Hashem's eyes than gratefully acknowledging the children He gave you.

amother

Firethorn

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 9:45 am

amother Strawberry wrote:

I don't mind telling how many gc I have except to people my age or older who don't yet have any or have only one or two. Not because of ayin hara but because I don't want to make them feel bad, same as I don't talk about my married kids to people who have older singles at home.

But then how is it better to laugh and say something to the effect of “I have so many I just can’t possibly count them all”. That’s not better.

amother

Foxglove

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 9:57 am

amother Fern wrote:

My neighbor lost a baby several years ago, and she mentions him somewhat often. He's a part of her family. Her kids bring him up sometimes also. I imagine if someone asked how many kids they have, they'd mention this baby. It's not humiliating, they're just explaining why the answer is complicated.

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 10:01 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I so agree with this. Can't like it enough. Just because I have a smaller family doesn't mean I'm sittin g on the beach every night....I have plenty to keep myself busy with BH. I hate when people imply that I must have free time for everything they want me to be available for, because after all, I don't have so many kids.

amother

Chicory

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 10:07 am

Chayalle wrote:

Interesting. I disagree. I BH work full time but am definitely less busy with my 2 kids then my friends (also who work full time) who have 5. More to cook for, shop for, clean up after, more MD appts, more teachers to keep track of, more everything. More lunches to make, nails to cut, more bedtime routines etc etc I’m not in a competition but I absolutely assume they’re busier.

amother

Beige

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 10:10 am

amother Strawberry wrote:

Every community has their own 'meshugasin'.

I don't think the rebetzin was offended that you asked. It's just her minhag not to say an exact number because of ayin hara. (Making people feel bad is kind of part of ayin hara.)

amother

Mintcream

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 10:20 am

Chayalle wrote:

My mother AH used to tell me of someone she knew that, whenever his wife had a baby and people would ask how many, he would answer "nach eins!" (another one!)

I like this approch A LOT! Tongue Out

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 10:21 am

amother Chicory wrote:

Everyone has different things going on in their lives. You don't know what's going on by someone else.
I've gotten calls from well-meaning people who think I am their perfect volunteer for whatever they are busy with. But I have things in my extended family that I've been busy with....(eg I had a sibling with cancer at one point...I was maxxed out caring for her....BH she is recovered and back to taking care of her own family....)

amother

Red

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 10:34 am

amother Chicory wrote:

It's the assumption that you'll be a great volunteer for the kid's class present and stuff like that. It's actually the opposite. Those with larger families have a full plate that revolves strictly around their kids while those with smaller ones have a full plate that revolves around more than the kids.
It's usually harder for the smaller families to step into those roles that others believe they have time for because of the myriad other responsibilities they have.

amother

Chicory

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 10:43 am

amother Red wrote:

Ahh I see. I must give off impression of busyness since I’ve not be targeted with either chesed or school activities. I’m not that mom at all.

amother

Red

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 10:48 am

amother Chicory wrote:

Ahh I see. I must give off impression of busyness since I’ve not be targeted with either chesed or school activities. I’m not that mom at all.

No it's the assumption without seeing you based on the number of kids you have.

amother

Poinsettia

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 1:34 pm

Why are you so worried. Many people will pity you that you were never educated about birth control!
(Not me but here on Ima…)

“How many kids do you have? 10? Wow pity you and pity them! Best of luck.” Is the gist .

(Just joking Smile

)