CHUTZPAH!!! What do you do?

PinkFridge

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 5:25 am

metacognizant wrote:

Many good ideas have been suggested above but here is what has been working for me: When my DS6 says something that hurts my feelings, I immediately, without a word, walk away into another room and shut the door. He will then quickly follow after me, and, in a gentle tone of voice, apologize. I feel like I’m showing him my authentic reaction (“you hurt me and I’m not going to stay with someone who hurts me”) PLUS I’m giving him the tools for his life later on, to not stay with people who may hurt him in the future. Plus when he offers a sincere apology we can immediately reconcile, which is the whole point.

ETA if I did this very often it might be manipulative, like I’m withholding affection. But it doesn’t happen more than a couple of times a week, which I feel like for a 6 year old is ok. He is still learning.

You sound like you're doing this in a measured, loving way, which is everything! But what happens when someone can't leave? Will they give the silent treatment to his wife or kids?

And they also need the tools to say, you hurt me. Or, maybe you didn't realize but those words hurt me. Etc.

metacognizant

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 6:26 am

PinkFridge wrote:

It’s not perfect, but I’m not leaving the house. I’m literally going to the closest room that has a door.
My son is extremely intense and brilliant, and when he’s riled up, I’ve found that saying anything makes the situation worse. Like if I start to explain my perspective (even very gently) he’ll answer back rudely with his perspective and we’ll continue to escalate. What I do is, I’ve found, the only this that interrupts the cycle with him, and I’ve tried everything else. And I only use it for real zingers (like a few days ago he yelled that I was an IDIOT!!!!!!) not for something like forgetting to say please.

When I say this could be a tool to help him later, I’m thinking more like in response to bullying as a big kid, not in response to marital strife as an adult. There are times in life when you can walk away from hostile people and times when you can’t, and we all need to learn to tell the difference.

PinkFridge

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 9:46 am

metacognizant wrote:

It sounds very appropriate under these circumstances and I'm sure he'll learn the nuances as time goes by.
Once my kids were old enough I learned that there were times I needed to send myself to my room, but that's another story.