How would you react /respond?

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Jul 24 2023, 4:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

If your teen DS came to the Shabbos table with his Shabbos shirt completely open showing his tank top undershirt beneath, with athletic pants how would you react?
1. Would you keep quiet?
2. Would you say “please close your shirt”?
3. Would you give him a mussar shmooze?
4. Would you send him away from the table ?

One of my kids does this. He obviously is pushing boundaries . I’m curious to know whether my approach is wrong or not. I keep quiet and never say anything . Nor does my DH. I don’t think DS appreciates Shabbos or feels like honoring Shabbos, so I feel like saying something would just make him angry and he would opt to leave the table , go to his room and not join us for the Shabbos Seuda at all. How would you approach this if you had this scenario play out? (Please don’t tell me to speak to someone in chinuch. I want to hear from the people here , how they approach such situations) .

My shabbos table is much more relaxed. After shul most of us change into something comfortable. PJ pants, undershirts, whatever. I have beautiful shabbos seudahs btw, divrei torah, singing, everyone participates.

My mother used to fight with my brother to put on socks at the shabbos table. He stopped coming to the meals.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 24 2023, 4:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

any progress at all has been made. But at least he has someone with a listening ear to talk to).
I am very happy he joins the Seuda and I’m grateful for that . I was only curious as to whether the way I was approaching things was too permissive or not. But based on what I read ,we are doing the best under the circumstances, I guess. It makes me sad that he’s so sad and feels so disconnected. Wish I had the magic answer to fix his sadness and anger towards the system and to anyone that hurt him. Even though we talk he feels misunderstood. Even when I validate he still feels unheard. Even if I tell him I’m totally with him and I stick up for him, he doesn’t feel it or see it that way.

Don't worry about being too permissive. Just welcome him. Telegraph you're happy he's with you, even without saying so much. Make sure there's lots of good food. Not just his favorites; you have other kids. But do what you can to make Shabbos a safe haven when the outside world seems so harsh. That includes getting reading material (don't know how far Zman will go), good food, fun games. Hugs!

little neshamala

Mon, Jul 24 2023, 5:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Honestly? I would probably smile at him and say sincerely "im so happy we got you those pants. You look so nice and comfortable".
What your son is going through is really rough. The only thing that can balance it and help him is him feeling very loved, LIKED, and supported by you and your husband. Now is really not the time for any religious preaching, however subtle. Find him a new yeshiva, with Rebbeim and a RY thay he can look up to, let him make headway through therapy, let him find himself and feel good about himself. His dresscode is a non issue at the moment

amother

Apricot

Mon, Jul 24 2023, 5:10 pm

Op, it seems it's a symptom. The question is if the problem is his rosh yeshiva and rabayim or if there's another problem that you're not aware of.

Does he have the same close connection with his father too?

Why does he hate his yeshiva and the staff there?

You mentioned he doesn't feel like you're on his side even if you say you are. It's very important that he should really feel it. If you elaborate on this, maybe some imas here would have ideas.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Jul 24 2023, 5:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'd say Good Shabbos and ask him if he wants to make his own kiddush or be yotzei my husband. And then get him a cup and grape juice, etc. accordingly. And then we'd just eat a meal. I wouldn't comment at all. I'd enjoy his presence. A teen could be going anywhere and doing almost anything. I'd be glad he's safe and enjoying a shabbos meal.