How would you react in this situation?

amother

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:11 pm

Ds age 11 came home and told me he volunteered to bring in a certain food for a Purim party his class decided to make together in school.

On one hand

- it will probably cost me $50-$60, we can afford that if needed , but it's not like we don't have where to put the money to good use elsewhere as well...
- more then the money it's something that will take me alot of time to make and can't be frozen in advance.... It's not like making a cake or salad which is quick or buying something in the store... probably take me at least 2 hours of actual physical work, make a bit of a mess....
- I will have to figure out how to get it to him in school the day of the party since it can't be left room temp for long and this is for the afternoon.... I can do it, just have to shift my schedule around, skip something I usually do that day.... definitely doable if needed I guess....
- I'll probably end up feeling a bit resentful in the moment although looking back probably will feel good about it...

On the other hand
- I'm happy he felt so confident that Id like to get involved (enough that he didn't ask first) and be happy to help out. I want him to feel loved and that I'm happy to do something that's very important to him. I want him to feel cared about, that I'll even change my schedule to make it work ....

What would your response be in this situation? Would you do it or not? How would you word your response either way?

amother

Pumpkin

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:15 pm

The first thing I would do is explain to my kid he's not allowed to volunteer my services before asking me!!!

Personally I would mind spending so much money because our finances are very tight but I would try to find something easier/cheaper that my son would be happy with (like a potato kugel for ex)

ittsamother

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:22 pm

Yeah, I think I also would tell my kid that I'm so happy to help him participate in the class party but it will need to be something else. He probably had no clue what he was asking you for when he volunteered that. Maybe he would be just as happy with something that would take less expense/time/effort/patchka?

amother

Cantaloupe

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:25 pm

For me it would depend on the situation.

Is my child super popular and easygoing and I can say "sorry buddy, lets do a cake instead" and no big deal?

Or is my child quieter, more shy, not as popular and this will be a big boost to his self esteen?

BatyaEsther

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:29 pm

I would start by saying how much I love him and am happy to participate in something important to him and his class. I would then say that he needs to speak with me before he offers such things and if I have to do something, I need to check my schedule and availability. I would also say the item is hard, is it possible to change the item. If so, I would change the item. If not, I would do it anyway if I could.
The real question, is, how will he feel if you do not do it? Yes, he should have asked you first but if you don’t do it, will he be embarrassed in front of his classmates? Will he feel like he’s not important enough to you? Or will he genuinely understand it as you do.

Bear in mind, the adage: I may not remember what you said, I may not remember what you did, but I will always remember how you made me feel.

amother

Cognac

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:44 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

This. Because my son is more reserved and doesn’t insert himself into the scene. I would be all for it and praise his confidence and eagerness to speak up to contribute , and pay whatever the $ cost.
After the event, I would have a conversation with him, again, praising and complimenting the desire to contribute to the group, but also explain, at that time , that if the contribution relies on someone else( his parents) , next time he needs to check with them first.

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 12:49 am

I'd prob say, wow I'm so excited to participate and make xyz for your class!!
I'd use this as a bonding and building experience.
A week or more later, I'd casually mention that going forward, I'd like if he'd check in with me before volunteering.

myname1

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 5:04 am

I agree with the one who said your ds probably had no clue how much he was volunteering for, in terms of time, money, and inconvenience. If he's generally a confident kid who does fine socially, I'd tell him you you're so excited to make something for him but need to make something else. Ask him how it worked. Did everyone blurt out something? Was there a list of things to choose from? What are the other kids bringing? I'm sure you can find something just as good for him that will be much more doable for you. (If he's generally a loner or has social issues and he's really excited about this particular thing, maybe I'd try to make it work. But it really does sound above and beyond in this case.)

amother

Babypink

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 6:33 am

I'd do it this time.

Then I'd have a casual talk with all school aged kids on "what Mommy wants to do when the school needs volunteers". Some moms will be happy spending $ on paper plates, soda, etc, what's important is that they can just buy it and don't need to spend time, other moms will be happy to bake a cake or brownies but will need it to be pretty inexpensive, other moms (and this is legit) don't have much time or money and don't volunteer them at all.

imasinger

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 6:54 am

It's important for DS to internalize that you can't buy friendship.

Spending a sum of money and an amount of time that is inappropriate for the occasion doesn't strike me as a worthwhile sacrifice in this case. It's not helpful chinuch.

That being said, if DS would feel humiliated to announce the change publicly, I think it might be nice for you to:

1) brainstorm with him to find a more reasonable alternative he'd like to bring, and

2) tell him you'll be the one to call his rebbe to explain the change, and make sure it's handled diplomatically.

I'm sure this is all much bigger in DS's mind than anyone else's. Be kind, informative, and matter of fact. Help him understand what's appropriate for this occasion and why, in a way that doesn't make him feel humiliated by his peers or by you. It might help to start by reading or telling a story about someone who bent over backwards to try to be part of a group. Let him think about someone else first, then talk to him about finding something else to bring in.

My 2 cents.

amother

Brass

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 7:14 am

ittsamother wrote:

I agree with this. Your kid has no clue ane might be happy w something else.

But, I also suspect no one really expects you to do something this expensive and involved.

So first I would call the rebbe and get the lay of the land. While your kid might be clueless the rebbe has some understanding of cost. Im be higjly surprised if hes relying on your 11 year old to volunteer something so expensive.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 7:52 am

Just want to add, if this is the amount of effort you say it is, there's a very high chance it might not come out as envisioned anyway. Kids can sometimes build up really grand visions of the end result and then not take it well when it doesn't materialize like that. I would not even do a "just this once". I'd let him down gently now. Yes, good idea to call the rebbi and get on the same page. It would make him backtracking less public.