Siblings fighting | Imamother

amother

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 10:49 am

How can I get my youngest kids to stop fighting.
I have 2 toddlers. The older one started talking and walking late and the younger one early so they are basically twins. They are both the same size.

They tackle each other all the time.
Each morning the one who wakes up first finds the second one and wakes him up.
They have a hard time sleeping separately so I have them sleep in the same room .They babble to each other until they fall asleep.

They love each other and sometimes are kind to one another but they also keep fighting.
They are not fighting over toys. They have some system going in between then where they know who’s toys belong to who.
How can I get them to stop? All the talking doesn’t work.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 10:58 am

They sound completely adorable. Reminds me of my 2 oldests who are a year apart (they're both teens at this point). They don't know life without the other one but they've definitely fought. I don't have any good advice other than it's sooo good for them to have that sibling close in age. They really become good friends! Try to enjoy their cuteness and make sure they don't do anything dangerous to the other one

AlwaysGrateful

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 11:27 am

What are your main concerns?

Are you concerned that one of them is going to get seriously hurt? (More than just a small boo-boo?)
Are you concerned that one of them is stronger than the other and so the fights are unfair and can be emotionally damaging to the weaker one?
Is the crying after really hard for you to deal with emotionally? (This is totally a valid concern.)
Are you nervous that in the long run they're going to be physically abusive to each other? Or think that the answer to a disagreement is to resort to violence, rather than communicating their needs?

Or something else?

Depending on your main concern, the answer will be different. It is normal for siblings to fight with each other. That doesn't make it easier, and it doesn't mean that you just sit in a different room and ignore the fighting every time. But we can help if we can pinpoint what you're really worried about.

amother

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 11:56 am

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

What are your main concerns?

Are you concerned that one of them is stronger than the other and so the fights are unfair and can be emotionally damaging to the weaker one?
Is?
.

This is my main concern. I’m not concerned about them physically hurting the other one too much because there’s no bitting, scratching or anything too serious.
Watch a video of Brazilian jujitsu. That’s what it looks like.
I’m also worried if they’ll be bullies when they get older. My older kids (girls) never fought like this.

amother

Lightyellow

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 12:01 pm

My brothers used to wrestle for fun as kids. They are perfectly functional adults now. My girls wrestle for fun. As long as it's not one kid starting and the other getting hurt, but they both agree, let them get the physical play. Or introduce safe heavy sensory/physical play

BrisketBoss

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 12:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

Nah, fighting is normal and does not necessarily lead to bullying. And you know this is the stereotype, right? Boys are more likely to be this way than girls. Your girls might presently, or later, be fighting in a less physical but more devastating way.

The others are right--intervention usually isn't necessary where there isn't much of an age/power differential. We had a bad dynamic in my house but that was with a boy five years older than a girl. Over-intervention can actually increase the behavior, as the siblings begin to subconsciously use it as a way to get you involved with them.

In general I don't like the mindset of trying to figure out how to 'get' kids to do this and that. It's confrolling, and that's both disrespectful and ineffective. Instead, try to assess whether this is really your problem. Then, think about your role in it.

English3

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 12:58 pm

I have toddler twins they love fighting, I usually put the twin that hurts in the buggy for one minute to calm them down. I do this only when they are really dangerous such as biting, banging their head with a strong object etc. But the care they have for each other is amazing. I always make sure they say sorry when they come out.

AlwaysGrateful

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 4:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

My older kids (girls) never fought like this.

This is key. THat's why you don't think it's normal.

If they're not really hurting each other, just sparring, I'd leave it alone. I'd also watch the dynamic and make sure there isn't one kid crying and the other one still continuing, or one who does it all the time and the other one just sits there and takes it.

Barring that, no need to intercede.

ETA: Imagine a boy mom finally has a girl and starts telling you "I don't know what to do! My daughter keeps on wanting to choose her own clothes in the morning! I'm used to just dressing them in whatever I want, none of my boys ever minded..."

You'd tell her it's not a battle worth fighting, totally age appropriate. Same thing with this and boys, as long as it's not getting out of hand.