Mil sleeps in | Imamother

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 4:15 am

Maybe I'm too blunt. But I am. "thank you for inviting us, but it's really hard for the kids to be out of their usual environment, especially while I'm busy with baby and dH is at shul. It will only work for us to come if I reliably have an extra hand in the morning, but I fully understand if you can't commit to that and would rather we wait to come till everyone is a bit more manageable"

Eta: conclusion is they come here instead and sleep in in peace.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 5:03 am

amother Hotpink wrote:

Lol. Saying no is not aways an option

mig100

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 5:31 pm

amother Hotpink wrote:

Ur conclusion only works if the in laws agree. Not all would

amother

Hyssop

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 6:28 pm

I too would feel put off if I was at my in laws with a few young kids, including a newborn, and had to keep them quiet for many hours while my MIL slept in.

That being said, if we were to change the situation and the MIL went to shul bright and early with FIL leaving DIL at home alone with the kids for hours and hours, would the DIL feel the same way, that the MIL did the wrong thing? The only practical difference is not having to keep the kids quiet, but doesn't change the lack of helpfulness or company.

I think ultimately it comes down to the vibes. If the vibes are "we are so glad you are here, we love you and the grandkids, I need my sleep in the morning/feel it's important to go to shul of shabbos but will be glad to play with and entertain and get to know the grandkids at other times during the day" that will feel very different than "we have our routine, we're glad you came so we can show you off to our friends/neighbors but we really don't care about spending quality time with you and/or won't go out of our way to make your life easier over shabbos (food, toys, childproofing, etc)", well that's what makes the difference.

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 6:54 pm

mig100 wrote:

Ur conclusion only works if the in laws agree. Not all would

Either they say "sure" and I send the kids in to wake them in the morning whether they meant it or not, or they say no and story's over. Or they ask if it's more helpful for them to come to us and I say yes.

amother

Lotus

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 8:11 pm

I will also be Blunt I think that the young kids are not respectful of their elders anymore. You are young and can manage like you always do when you go on vacations etc.
maybe if mil supports you than probably you don’t have a choice and you come to vent here.if you don’t come she will give more to dil who comes. If not you wil go to your mother only if your dh agrees. There is always problems with dil and mil so here it is!!!! You are feeling that she needs to do your work snd she owes you the world

amother

Blue

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 8:31 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

I too would feel put off if I was at my in laws with a few young kids, including a newborn, and had to keep them quiet for many hours while my MIL slept in.

I havent read the whole thread, but OP never mentioned that her MIL asked her to keep the kids quiet. That didnt seem to be a problem for the MIL.

Did I miss it?

I for one can sleep in a noisy place.

cbsp

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 8:34 pm

amother Blue wrote:

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I havent read the whole thread, but OP never mentioned that her MIL asked her to keep the kids quiet. That didnt seem to be a problem for the MIL.

Did I miss it?

I for one can sleep in a noisy place.

Yes, you missed it. It's in her OP

GOODMOM

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 8:50 pm

As a Mil myself, plus going through menopause, I definitely understand your Mil. We have a hard time falling asleep, even if we're dead tired. We make several bathroom visits per night. It takes at least an hr or so to fall back asleep. Usually the best part of sleep ends up being in the morning. Your bladder is empty from those nocturnal trips and you can stretch about 4 hrs of well deserved sleep. You will never understand it at your age.

amother

Blue

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 8:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

my mil didn't come downstairs until 11:15! I was by myself, ALL morning, taking care of my kids with zero help, having to keep them quiet so mil doesnt wake up. I thought maybe she didn't sleep well.. nope, she said she had a great night sleep. she didn't even recognize the fact that I was all alone all morning. no questioning if it was hard for me. I don't know why, but why wouldnt she want to help me? I hope never to be like that when I host my married children. I don't need her waking up at 8am. but at least 10? showing that she cares and wants to help me?

I dont see one word that tells us that MIL asked her to keep the kids quiet. OP may have decided that on her own.

tichellady

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 1:18 pm

GOODMOM wrote:

I understand it very well and I’m not your age. Plenty of people have sleep issues who have never been through menopause. I don’t think mother in law is evil or cruel here but I get why it was hard for the op and she wanted to vent

mommy3b2c

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 1:48 pm

amother Hotpink wrote:

This is exactly what should be said and done . And it’s not blunt , it’s communication .

I once told my mil that if she wants us to walk in on shavuos , the air conditioner has to be on. And then it was up to her .

amother

Blue

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

and yes she expects it to be quiet. it was raining on shabbos. kids couldn't play outside

I missed this earlier.

Only because of this. Nothing to do with your mother and how much she helps.

If MIL is sleeping upstairs, how noisy can it be?

If thats the case, OP, I switched sides.

YOU are nuts if you go.

The end.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:33 pm

amother PlumPink wrote:

How does this play out in practical terms? You graciously decline the invite.

Mil can't force you to come.

If you cant imagine consider yourself lucky.

guilt trips, begging, etc etc