Being stuck in one misbehavior no matter what I've tried

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 6:15 am

I'm wondering if anyone has advise. I have a high functioning autistic child 13 years old. We have dealt with many tough behaviors from him and seem some degree of improvement. There is however one thing that is not improving at all. He doesn't stop fighting with his younger sibling and making that sibling's life miserable. He is constantly telling him to go away, saying random mean things - you are so ugly so stupid etc.

If I tell you I've tried everything I've tried everything and for years. I started with the standard parenting courses, therapists, ABA, OT, speech, therapy for me, sports, you name of. I've ignored, given consequences, used nurtured heart and explosive child. I've empathized in a real way. No matter what I've done my son does not stop saying mean things, yelling at him to go away and generally making his life miserable. I've tried sending him to a calm spot after every single mean word (I'm extremely disciplined as a mother and have no trouble at all following through). I've tried sitting with him to calm him each time. Nothing nothing stops this behavior. It's going on for years. And I am at the end of my rope.

I've spoken to the younger child - explained the disability the older one has - his rigidness, lack of understanding of social cues, his inability to think about others- all in a calm age appropriate way. I've asked him to try to be understanding or give him a lot of space, to not do anything that will instigate a fight- and he does. He is a great kid and has no issues whatsoever with other siblings or friends.

I can't imagine what else I could try to stop the fighting.

I've spent tens of thousands on therapies of all kinds.

It's almost like he is OCD to be mean towards this sibling. I don't even know what else to call it.

Wise ima's help! I am interested in hearing all opinions and specifically from someone who has been in my situation.

amother

Tulip

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 7:14 am

I would think the sibling that keeps getting hurt should also be getting some sort of preferential treatment from you, to help validate their pain; I don’t know, maybe take him someplace special on his own, buy him something he really wants…I’m sure your other kids are aware, and would understand the reason for this.

oneofakind

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 7:52 am

I hesitate to even suggest this after you've tried everything but how about for every insult , he has to give sib from his Nash, money or whatever is precious to him.
Hatzlacha. You sound like an awesome mother.

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 8:28 am

amother Tulip wrote:

I do this. I give him a lot of extra attention, care and understanding. I validate him and acknowledge how hard it must be. I remind him that he doesn't deserve to be treated the way he is. I try to separate the two of them as much as possible, I spend private time at night alone with him for 10 minutes a day.

#BestBubby

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:13 am

oneofakind wrote:

Second this.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:19 am

You're right on the money that it's an ocd. I've realized with my own nd children that when they don't respond to interventions there's always a compulsive element to those behaviors. Would you be open to back - end interventions, ie addressing the brain inflammation that's causing the ocd? Homeopathy has helped us a lot with these types of things but there are other things you can do as well.

creditcards

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:51 am

If he is telling him to go away, is it possible for the younger sibling not to go next to him. Is there something about the younget sibling that's bothering the older one that he can't tolerate?

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:42 pm

Ty for all the replies. Checking for any other ideas

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 3:36 pm

I know there are some parenting coaches on here - Cheiny - can you chime in?

BrisketBoss

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 4:25 pm

Sounds like prime consult territory. If I were going to give advice, though I'm no expert myself, I would want a lot more information on the specific circumstances.

Giving the younger kid special treatment or having the older one give him stuff as a punishment sound like terrible ideas. Way to increase resentment all around.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 5:49 pm

I am having this last few years with my 13 year old ADHD (possibly on the spectrum) child.

Following

My son tells me that he can't control himself.

I have been doing craniosacral therapy and rhythmic movement and I do see improvement but not for sure anything.

I don't see that keeping him busy helps.

I do keep telling him off, though. He knows that it bothers me a lot. I think explaining how hurtful it is helps it not go over a certain line

Also if I could afford it I would reach out to an expert.